'AITA for uninviting my mother to my wedding after she invited my FIL?' UPDATED
"AITA for uninviting my mother to my wedding after she invited my FIL?"
My fiancee (29f) and I (34m) are getting married in two weeks after 13 years of friendship, and four years of dating. She's fantastic and our relationship has been so good for the both of us. Planning the wedding has been uncomplicated and fun. We included my mother a lot, for example, my fiancee took her dress shopping.
My fiancee has always had a good relationship with my parents, and it grew much closer over the past year, after her mother died. They kind of see her as another child and I know that my fiancee appreciates that immensely. As for my fiancee's father, she went NC with him when she was 15.
Even before that he hadn't played an important role in her life. His behavior was one cause in her having depression and low self-esteem, it took her years to heal. She's happy with the way things are now. I never met the man, so neither of us considered inviting him to the wedding.
My mother however won't understand why we won't invite him. Mum is a retired psychologist. She's had some experience with child-parent reunification, and she thinks my fiancee needs that, even more after fiancee's mom's death.
Fiancee and mI both have shut my mum down plenty of times. We both made it clear that this man was not to know anything about my fiancee's life nor would be welcome anywhere near the wedding. For a while, my mum shut up. My mum doesn't know fiancee's father.
The other night we had dinner with my family. My mum had an announcement. Apparently she looked my fiancee's father up and went to see him. Then she invited him to our wedding. She seemed so pleased. My family was appalled and angry, they all know what has happened.
My fiancee somehow remained calm and told mum how inappropriate that was, how mum hurt my fiancee terribly by stepping over the one boundary she ever had. How my fiancee had lost all her trust in mum after this. I then uninvited my mom and we left. Fiancee only broke down at home.
My mother's also been inconsolable since, and has called me dozens of times, but I haven't picked up yet. Fiancee feels unsafe to have the wedding if there is a chance that her father might show up. We might just cancel the whole thing.
My father, who's not condoning any of my mother's actions, thinks I should talk to mum, hear her out. My siblings agree that uninviting her was too drastic. I just see the distress my mother caused my fiancee and get angry all over again. So AITA/AWTA for sticking to our decision?
Edits: Thank you all for your advice and perspective. It's truly heartbreaking how many of you have estranged relatives and can relate to this. I'm sorry!
I met my dad earlier. He's really sorry for what my mom did and how he'd pushed me to listen to her at first. I told him that my fiancee was the person hurt in this, that it was really up to her.
Dad did offer to cover additional costs we might have now. Both siblings called individually to apologize to fiancee as well. Idk what to make of it just now, it's a good start I think. Haven't talked to mum though.
Comments:
imhere4blkpeople asked:
So at 21 you had a friendship with a 16 year old?
Independent_Foot8485 OP says:
We met in scouts, more specifically when a friend of hers started dating a guy from my group. We (a group of around 15 people) became friends and still hang out today.
CrazyCatLadyForEva says:
You are of course NTA. Someone who does hurtful things like that loses the right to participate in joyful moments until the hurt parties decide they’re ready to reconcile.
Instead of canceling the wedding, would hiring bouncers be an option? Or having 2-3 friends be designated bouncers should FIL show up?
Independent_Foot8485 OP responded:
I don't really know what we'll do yet, just that my fiancee has the lead.
ElleArr26 says:
Just a shout out to you and how you love and protect your fiancée. So many times here we don’t see that support. Best wishes to the two of you.
Independent_Foot8485 OP says:
Thank you!
BumkneeTrixie says:
I was shocked when OP revealed that his mother was a retired physiologist specializing in family reunification. Even I know that an emotional day like a wedding isn't the time to start getting reacquainted.
Independent_Foot8485 OP says:
She specialized in child psychology. My fiancee has said once that maybe my mother doesn't realize how much situations might change with age. Fiancee said, she'd been open to reconciliation when she was younger but that it's too late now. Still no excuse imo.
Passing_Throu says:
There is a saying, 'The cobbler's children are always the worst shod'. It means that parents with a profession utterly suck when it comes to applying their expertise to their family.
Independent_Foot8485 OP responded:
Oh yes, 100%
justwaitingforgodot says:
Your fiancée sounds extra awesome. That’s such a reasonable and nuanced take on your mother’s hang-up. As an estranged daughter, your post made me sick to my stomach. I hope you two can find a way ahead that makes you both joyful and at peace.
Independent_Foot8485 OP says:
She is extra extra awesome. She's always this reflected, maybe due to all the therapy she did. I'm sorry that you can relate to her experience, nobody should be able to.
StrongBlueberry5432 says:
NTA. Cancel the wedding and go and elope instead. That kind of betrayal would be enough for me to consider going no contact with my mum. It wasn't just a small mistake or an oversight. It was a deliberate action to trample boundaries and to push an agenda you had made very clear you and your fiancee had no desire to pursue.
Later OP came back with this update:
This is the update repost to my first post, since a bunch of people asked for one. First, thanks for all the helpful comments, insights, and awards. We were very overwhelmed and grateful. And thanks to the mods for helping with this update. I've never had a post get this much attention and didn't know how to do this.
The biggest thing is, we are married. In the end, my wife’s sister and BIL saved the day. Originally, the wedding was on the 18th at BIL’s restaurant, that was the date and place where we went from friends to dating five years ago.
On the day of the OP, wife went to see her sister, they suggested having the wedding a week earlier, on the 11th. It felt like the best option, BIL was willing to do the work, because wife is like a sister to him. His team and him got a generous tip from my dad.
Wife, SIL, BIL and I told all the guests save my family of the date change. Wife didn’t want to tell people why. Amazingly, everyone made it work except for three people. My family was told the morning of the wedding, just to make sure wife’s father would not have time to come to the wedding, as he lives 15 hours away from us.
My family didn’t complain because they knew that they messed up. It was all a bit stressful, but my wife felt like a spy on a mission and had fun with it. I was glad to see her get excited again. And there was no sign of her father at the wedding, so I guess mom finally listened.
In the week before the wedding, we met my family to talk several times. These were long long talks. Why my mom did it? She just thought she knew better. No excuse other than arrogance. They all apologized. My wife said, one family torn apart by her father’s actions was enough. She insisted that they were invited.
So that was that. However, we made it clear, that contact with her father would be punished much harder in the future, especially when it comes to children. It’s forgiven but not forgotten, I guess.
As to what wife’s father found out from my mom, apparently not much. He knew a bunch already, from my wife’s eldest brother. Mom filled in gaps. That brother is the only of my wife’s siblings that was still in touch with their father. Brother and wife were on thin ice before that already for many but different reasons.
Yes, we let that brother attend the wedding, mostly because we didn’t want more drama. But we’ll tackle that when wife feels ready to do so. We did have a honeymoon to get to first.
All in all, I think we are fine. Wife is very hurt still, more so by her brother’s actions now. With my family, we’ll work on it. The imminent threat is dealt with, now we start fixing the damage. Through it all, my wife was amazingly calm and reflected. It made me much more grateful that I get to be with her.