Bride refuses to wait for mom's cancer diagnosis; 'my wedding is more important!' + Update
"SIL (38f) insisted on immediate commitment for our (42f, 45m) and kids (15f, 12m, 10m, 8f) 'jobs' at her wedding, and wouldn’t wait for 3 days for my dying mother’s cancer test results."
Familiar-kinfolk629
My (42f) sister in law(38f) is getting married, and has had very little contact with us before the wedding. Any Contact initiated has been us visiting my husband‘s (45m) family, which is out of state and is a 14 to 16 Hour drive each way.
I have always gotten along with my sister-in-law, but this was a whole side of her that my husband has told me about, but I had never actually seen. My mother has been diagnosed with cancer, and has had to have many treatments, including surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation.
Before all of these treatments, we had to wait on a test to determine which stage of cancer she was in. When we were waiting on my mother‘s cancer test results, we would know in three days, and the cancer test results could be absolutely devastating and could let us know how long my mother had to live. Every day seemed like an eternity.
During this time, my sister-in-law called my husband and I to ask us exactly which role we and our children would have in her wedding. She knew exactly what position we were in, and we told her on the phone call repeatedly what was happening.
At this point, how long we could stay and what we could do would be determined by my mother‘s test results, since we still had many months left before my sister-in-law‘s wedding. We did not know if we would have to be planning my mother‘s funeral at this point. We only had three days before we would know a lot more to give her an accurate answer.
This was also the first and only time she’s ever called us in 15 years of our marriage. she began asking us exactly what we would be doing at her wedding, what day we would be there, and how long we could stay.
My husband and I repeatedly told her that there’s no way we could know during this phone call what we would be capable of doing seven months from then, and we’d have a better idea once we got the test results.
We repeatedly told her that that would take three days. During this phone call, she began getting upset and angry with us, using her sassiest and grainiest valley girl voice, to tell us that she needed to know, (by tomorrow), what we could do during the reception, and what our children could do during the reception.
I do not know how to go forward with this woman after this interaction. She insisted on knowing by the next day, and began getting very angry with us. We were really calm, and kept trying to calmly explain again the position we were in, as I couldn’t fathom that she would have such an attitude of insistence in the situation we were in.
She began insisting that she needed our children and us to help her set up chairs, serve peoples’ food, and clean up after the reception. Overall, she wanted to know immediately what roles we could play in giving her free, labor-intensive roles at her discretion, so she could save money on their wedding.
Mind you, we would be driving 16 hours to come serve her, while my mother needed me for help after having being diagnosed with cancer. I still would have gone to her wedding before this phone call and figured out how to help my mother as well, if my mother’s stage of cancer wasn’t as severe. It turned out my mother’s cancer has since spread to her bones, and she is not in good shape.
After the interaction, I do not want to see her or be around her at all. I am not even sure that I want my children around her either. My husband began getting angry with her, and eventually raised his voice a bit, and told her that my mother could die, which brought me to tears during this phone call.
My children and I have all been traumatized by my mother‘s diagnosis, and now this. Having sheer mental exhaustion, I cannot even gather my thoughts to think of what to do in this situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and I ask that you please be kind since this is very traumatic for my family and I. Thank you.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this OP's initial post:
emr830
Good god, she sounds self centered and awful. If you even go to this wedding(which who could blame you if you didn’t) your kids aren’t free labor for her.
The OP responded here:
Familiar-kinfolk629
Okay, so I am not alone in my feelings of shock at her behavior. This is good to know. My children will not be serving guests, or used as free labor. I am sure of that. I do not want to go to the monster in law’s wedding at all.
Primary-Criticism929
At this point, I'd sent her a text or an email like this :
SIL, I have had a few days to think about it, and I've decided I'm not coming to your wedding. Your behaviour and lack of compassion towards my mother's health issues and her dying made me realize that I don't like you and I don't actually want to see you or support you. I'd wish you the best, but I'd be lying. I'm going to block you because I don't want your selfishness to make my mother dying harder on me or my kids.
Much-Delivery-7224
I honestly wouldn't go. Save yourself and your family the stress. If she isn't understanding about your situation, she does not deserve your time and help. Use the time you have with your mom and make memories for you and your family. At the end of the day, those memories will make the grief better once she's gone, and none can take those away from you.
Looking back, I wish I had made more memories with my family members who passed away. Regret is ugly and doesn't go away. I'm honestly sorry about your mom. I hope you find peace and time with your mom.
sangria66
Do not participate in the wedding. Do not attend the wedding. Simple.
The OP then returned to answer some questions.
"Edit:"
Familiar-kinfolk629
Thank you ALL so much for all the support and advice. It has helped me to feel so much more level-headed and sure of my decision going forward. I will not be attending the wedding, and neither will my kids.
Thinking about the issues at hand, I recently remembered not being able to go to her college graduation ceremony due to medical issues for my mom, and she sent a card to my husband thanking him for all his “support” because he was able to make it, just barely. She’s never sent him or I anything in the mail -ever before. It seemed to be an underhanded remark.
Thinking back on things even more, there have been times she has allowed her niece and nephew she was “ babysitting ” throw things at our family when we had just came to in laws house after a long trip… and allowed them to say some things things to us that I’ve never heard come out a kid’s mouth before. I have obviously overlooked many things now I think about it.
Twelve days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update on SIL (38f) who couldn’t wait two more days for my mother’s cancer test results before getting definitive answers regarding her wedding, now blocked my entire family on social media with no explanation."
Familiar-kinfolk629
After finding out that my sister-in-law was not going to wait two more days for my mother’s cancer results, I decided not to go to her wedding with my children. My husband is welcome to go if he would like to. He is also going to buy her a present.
Well, my mother is dying and going downhill very quickly. I have now found out that my sister-in-law and her future husband has blocked not only my husband and I, but also our children (15m,12f) on social media.
There was no explanation for this, and my main concern at this point is her desire to come visit us across state lines. She has invited herself and her family (extremely unruly children included) to our home repeatedly, and my husband has so far been pretty agreeable at least temporarily, so as to avoid any arguments.
Not only will I never have this woman in my home, I am worried she’s going to try to come to my mother’s funeral when my mother dies soon. I do not want to see her, her family, and I do not want her to have any contact with my children. I am very exhausted right now and could just use some tips on next steps. Thank you so much in advance.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update from the OP:
Wild_Butterscotch977
The sheer, entitled audacity.
Ashamed-Cat-3068
A trusted family member or person from the funeral home that has a picture of SIL and whoever else you don't want there to remove them. Good luck!
The OP responded:
Familiar-kinfolk629
That is a great idea. Thank you very much.
Owencrewroad
Question: Was there a substantial amount of money deposited for the wedding, and I'm assuming the date was already established.
Is it possible that people had already made plans involving travel and maybe hotel reservations and changing the date 2 days ahead wasn't possible due to other events scheduled already booked for the new dates. Could the place for the weeding and reception be unavailable as well.
The OP responded here:
Familiar-kinfolk629
No, nothing that had been booked… would be affected. We asked several times what she needed the quick response for. There wasn’t anything…she had months…literally nothing we were planning could affect her wedding plans in any way. A lot of the wedding would be done by their church, including free venue.
It seemed to be more of a control thing. Her attitude was extremely alarming to everyone. The only thing I could think of, is that she needed to know exactly what we would be DOING at the wedding and finding people to do those things would take effort or money. Or manipulation. 🤷♀️🤦🏼♀️
Critical_Aspect
"She began insisting that she needed our children and us to help her set up chairs, serve peoples’ food, and clean up after the reception."
Anyone, and I mean anyone, inviting me and my family to a wedding for the express purpose of using us as unpaid help is receiving nothing but our absence.