'I got kicked out of my brother's wedding party. And that's just the beginning.' UPDATED 2X

"I Got Kicked Out of My Brother’s Wedding Party."

I (f30) got engaged three years ago. I’m the middle child with two brothers on either side (28 & 33). A few months after getting engaged I asked all of the people I wanted to be in my bridal party.

It was all family because family is extremely important to me (SIL on fiancé’s side, both my brothers as co-men of honour, and my both of my brothers girlfriends). I’m very close with all of them and spent a lot of time with all of them.

Fast forward to about a year later, in May, and my brother proposed to his girlfriend. I was very happy for them and was asked to be a bridesmaid in my SIL’s party a few months later.

Shortly after their engagement shit started to hit the fan. My brother started talking about getting married the same month as myself and my fiancé (this past October), literally two weeks after or two weeks before. Immediately my mom said that would be unfair and a lot on the family. They ended up deciding to get married this upcoming August instead.

My fiancé and I have also been discussing starting a family the year after we get married. We’re older and our lives have been on hold for about 2.5 years as I’ve been finishing my Master’s degree. I officially graduate August and I’m currently on a work placement that’s unpaid since last January.

I had to cut back on work hours and my fiancé has been picking up the slack with our bills as we struggle to scrape together money to finish paying off our wedding. While discussing our plans around starting a family my SIL got very upset stating that I could not be pregnant at her wedding.

My brother swooped in and started cracking jokes to try and diffuse her anger, which worked, but you could still tell she was upset.

I’ve been telling my family for about a year now that the summer of this past year would be a really busy time for me and financially a struggle so not to expect from me. We scheduled my bachelorette party for September to ensure I was done school and had more free time. WELL my SIL decided she wanted to do her bachelorette party in August a year on advance.

I had to tell her I wouldn’t be able to make the whole thing because I have to be at practicum on the weekends and I can’t book it off. If I don’t get all of my hours in time I have to extend my placement and I really don’t want to do that. As far as I was aware she was understanding and assured me I could come the Friday and she’d be happy with that.

A few months later, the group chat with the bridesmaids start. I first tell the maid of honour I can’t make the whole weekend and I got a lot of push back. Things like “can’t you just book it off?”, “why can’t you stay the night Friday and drive back early Saturday morning?” (Keep in mind it’s a 2 hour drive and I have to be there for 8:30am.

My practicum is as a therapist so I have to be able to be present with my clients and support them emotionally. Something that’s hard to do when you’re tired or hungover. I politely explained why I couldn’t do these things and that I had already spoken to the bride about this. The MOH continued to push back and I called my brother who immediately launched to solve the problem. The MOH finally laid off.

A few weeks later we start discussing budget for the bachelorette and I explained that I couldn’t afford to help pay for the whole weekend, which my brother and SIL were aware of. I offered to pay for SIL’s drinks and food on the Friday while I was there (that’s what credit cards are for).

The bridesmaids got upset and comments were maid like “if you really loved her, you’d pay the money”, “why can’t you just pay 25$ instead?”, “I have to drop down work hours to go to school and I don’t have a partner to pick up the slack but I’m still making it work”.

They were all very rude until one of the bridesmaids who happens to be the sister of the bride commented that she spoke to their mom who offered to cover all of the brides costs so it didn’t stress anyone out. All of a sudden all of the bridesmaids were fine to pay for everything.

I spoke privately to the MOH explaining that I didn’t appreciate her constantly pushing back at my boundaries. The MOH blew up and started sending me screenshots of our conversation demanding to know at one point she didn’t respect my boundaries and all of her comments were in regards to ensuring I was having a good time.

A few months later I had a bridesmaid dress picked out but not purchased yet because I couldn’t afford it until after my own wedding. I had to explain this several times to my SIL who kept asking me about it. She also approved the dress btw. Shortly after this the bride stated she didn’t like the dress I picked out and wanted me to wear spaghetti straps like the other brides.

I’ve got a very large chest and can’t wear things with tiny straps because I need more support. The other bridesmaids are all tiny with small chests. I tried to express my concerns and the bride thought I was arguing the colour of the dress (which I was not). I started sending other dress options, all of which she turned down.

She started sending me dresses with very small skinny straps and deep neckline cuts. I got frustrated and just said fine to the last dress she sent. After this I met with my brother and we talked it all over. I was able to communicate my frustrations and struggles over how everything was playing out. I left that conversation feeling really good.

A few days later SIL sent me a letter indicating she wanted me to step down because I couldn’t offer them my undivided time and attention that they needed right now. This was in April, over a year away from their wedding.

I was hurt because I felt like I was very honest about what this time frame would look like for me and they had stated they were okay with it. Keep in mind I also spent money I didn’t have and time I didn’t have to help throw them a surprise engagement party that none of the bridesmaids helped with, and some didn’t even come to.

When I met with my SIL and brother I was told by SIL I owed the bridesmaids an apology. What for? I couldn’t tell you she never specified. She also told me that they have high expectations of their wedding party and the time and money that gets devoted to their wedding. Saying this while also not putting on the time and effort she should be to my own wedding btw.

I was told it was better for me to step down because of the tension in the party because of me with the other bridesmaid and that this would create too much stress for SIL day of the wedding. My brother made a comment that indicated he was not part of this decision and disagreed with it, but had to have his future wife’s back.

My fiancé who was a groomsmen respectfully backed down to have my back, which you can imagine very much upset my SIL. Best part of all of this is SIL’s mom now wants to wear a white dress to their wedding, sister is getting a divorce and doesn’t want SIL talking about her wedding right now, and her friend wants to celebrate her birthday at the bachelorette.

My family is angry about what happened and none of them are talking about their wedding with her anymore. This wedding sounds like it’s going to be a dumpster fire, and although I’m hurt being kicked out, I’m glad I can sit back and watch it without having to deal with it directly.

This is what people had to say to OP:

[deleted] said:

Be glad you just dodge a big bullet. It was obvious your SIL to be was in competition with you to have a better wedding. Let her have her way. You are not at fault. Now you can sit back and watch the circus unfold. Make share you have plenty of popcorn and patience.

Silverstorm007 said:

I wouldn’t be too upset OP. Firstly, it means you don’t have to spend another cent on them. Secondly, you can wear whatever style dress you’d like to now without feeling forced to wear something that doesn’t make you feel comfy. Honestly sounds like SIL is a bridezilla and I’d be avoiding that mess.

And ComprehensivePut5569 said:

Based on SIL’s antics there may not be a wedding next year. 🤞🏽😏

Five months later, OP shared this update:

So, I just had my wedding and my SIL was pretty great. She was supportive, helpful, and kind to everyone. I started to wonder if maybe we had come to a better place until a few days ago when we were at a family event.

My aunt asked her about her wedding party and the summary of what she shared was that it was a ‘mutual’ decision and implied I had never been asked to be in the wedding party because I was too busy.

My aunt pushed a little more and her story shifted to that I may be pregnant and could be nauseous or tired. She didn’t want me to be uncomfortable but was planning to ask me to be a “blue person” which is someone who still participates in all the wedding related events but is not able to commit to being a bridesmaid.

This means I would be asked to come get ready the morning of, go to the rehearsal dinner, etc. Now where I’m confused is I was told back in March one of the reasons she was kicking me out was because of conflict between me and the bridesmaids and she wanted a calm relaxing morning not people uncomfortable around each other.

Now I’m hearing she does want me there which tells me that was never actually one of the reasons she kicked me out. I haven’t been asked to be a blue person yet but I have been asked to wear blue to the wedding. I personally want to directly ask her about all the changing stories and say no to being a blue person when she asks me.

I also want to actively not wear blue. I think it’s unfair she did this really shitty thing and is now acting like it never happened, but if I do anything to stand up for myself I know I’ll be painted as the villain in this situation.

Three months later, OP shared this second update:

Recently, one of the bridesmaids from the wedding party reached out to me via text and apologized to me for how she reacted in the group chat. It was over a year ago at this point and I was genuinely shocked to see the message but also not surprised. More recently are paths have crossed in a role where I hold a little more power than her (I won't say exactly what just to protect people's privacy).

Despite me holding a little more power her apology was very sincere, respectful, and kind. She acknowledged how her words could have hurt me and how she should have had more empathy for my situation.

Shortly after our text exchange clearing the air, the MOH reached out and also apologized prompted by the other bridesmaid. Her apology was less sincere feeling. It came across more like focused on how it was a hard time for her and she did her best, her actions were not reflective of who she is and she knows she's better than that. It briefly acknowledged the hurt she caused but barely.

It felt more like I should clear the air because my friend did not because she thought she did anything wrong. I acknowledged her apology but didn't offer one of my own like I did for the bridesmaid (my apology was focused on how I could have been more assertive versus aggressive around setting my boundaries.

I wanted to make it clear that I did nothing wrong with setting the boundary, but could have been a bit nicer in how I did it and even then I think I did it pretty nicely).

At this point I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole situation. I was debating not attending the rehearsal dinner later this year before the wedding as one of the reasons my SIL cited for kicking me out was that the 'beef' between me and the bridesmaids would make her feel uncomfortable day of the wedding if we were all in the same room.

She didn't want to feel uncomfortable on or around her wedding day. For this logic I was debating not attending the rehearsal dinner citing her reasoning back to her. Now I obviously can't use that given they will tell her we cleared the air. SIL is still behaving like a bit of a spoiled child. At Christmas I was handing out thank you cards to family from my own wedding with photos I printed for them all.

She was handing out their wedding invites. I will say she was polite and waited her turn patiently as they looked through my stuff. Later in the evening my brother made a joke about her shoving invites at people (just playful teasing). She said in a whiney voice "It's my turn!". As if girl had even let me and my husband have ours when it was our wedding...

I'm trying not to read into everything she does, but honestly it's hard not to. I barely speak to her and my brother anymore and the divide between them and the rest of the family is slowly growing quite large.

That's it for the update for now! Stay tuned to find out more as we get closer to the wedding (August). If anyone has thoughts on the rehearsal dinner I'd love to hear what you think. I'm still unsure how I feel about attending.