Man won't pay for, or attend daughter's wedding, if she invites his brother. AITA?
"AITA for not paying for my daughter's wedding because she invited my brother and his family?"
I'm 46M, my brother is 48M. When I was 20, my then girlfriend cheated with my brother. I was heartbroken and pissed. I told him he's no longer my brother. Despite my request, my family didn't cut him off, so I told them that I will never again be in the same place as he is. If they wish to invite us both, then they should just invite him as I am the one giving ultimatum.
My daughter is getting married in spring next year. In our culture both parents are paying for the wedding, 50/50. Unexpectedly, my daughter sat me down and told me that she will be inviting my brother and his family (he married my cheating ex).
Apparently, she was seeing them for the last 4 years and built a relationship behind my back. She even wants her cousin to be some kind of flower girl. I was pissed. I told her what my boundaries are and if my brother is invited then I will not pay my part of the wedding. She became angry and told me its time to let go of the past. I told her its not her call to make.
We argued some more and she told me I am making her wedding about myself. I told her I will probably not even attend so it will be all about her. She left crying. My ex-wife called me screaming and told me I'm huge AH and our daughter is crushed. Then my parents called, same thing. I told them off and now I'm ignoring their calls. My GF told me to reconsider and appologize.
That by not paying and attending I will break relationship with my daughter. I don't know. I think my boundaries should be respected. Am I asshole for that?
Q/A and Comments:
Wonderlustlost asked:
Does your daughter know why you cut him off?
father-of-the-bride OP replied:
My daughter has known all her life.
mmmbopdoombop asks:
Is your brother also your daughter's step-father? The timeframe, plus you still caring about this so much 26 years later, is really leading me to believe that your daughter's mother is your cheating ex. Is this correct? If so, you're intentionally leaving this key information out because you know it would swing things conclusively against you, so you know in your heart. YTA
father-of-the-bride OP replied:
No, my brothers wife (cheating ex) is different person than my ex-wife.
'Despite my request, my family didn’t cut him off.' I can’t get over the entitlement in this line. Like, really? Your brother messes up and you want him to be disowned ???
father-of-the-bride OP replied:
He cut my heart to pieces. I expected my parents to be on my side. They were on his. And now they are wondering why our relationship is very cold...I will shed little tears when they are gone.
Parents were so great that they even let them be in our house after. They were sleeping together next to my room for 2 months. I could hear them. I had to move out because I couldnt take it anymore.
wildfellsprings says:
YTA. You'd rather not attend your own daughter's wedding than be in the same location as 2 people who got on with their lives 26 years ago. If you want to end your relationship with your daughter go ahead but maybe start behaving like you aren't still 20 and just found out your gf was cheating with your brother.
Would anyone really not attend their child's wedding just because someone cheated 26 years before?
father-of-the-bride says:
I will never move on. That was the worst thing a brother can do to you. I dont even want to see their faces. And I know 100% my family will use the wedding to push us together. My parents already did this once, for Christmas. We came and he was there. I cut them off for 2 years. It seems all my family does is betrayal.
toadpuppy says:
My dad still hates my mother for leaving him 35 years ago. He’s angry, bitter, and alone (I am no contact with him and my brother is low contact). Even he managed to come to my wedding knowing my mom would be there.
This hatred isn’t helping you or hurting your brother. Punishing your daughter for not bending to your will guarantees you won’t have a relationship with her. Therapy might be a good choice for you.
father-of-the-bride OP replied:
Let me guess, you have awesome relationship with your mother, who destroyed your father. And now his children are finishing her job. Way to go.
EnvironmentalPhase21 says:
Y’all are wild in these comments. If this is real I’d love to see some of you play happy family with your cheating brother and ex