Nobody is 'owed' an expensive diamond, but if you can afford it--what's preventing you from getting the engagement ring that your loyal and generous future wife wants? So, when a conflicted soon-to-be groom decided to consult the moral compass of the internet otherwise known as Reddit's 'Am I the As*hole' about his girlfriend's desire for an expensive diamond engagement ring, people were ready to help deem a verdict.
I’ve (26M) been with my girlfriend (26F) for 4 years and we’ve recently been talking more and more about marriage. Although my GF grew up relatively well off, for the time I’ve known her she’s been pretty low maintenance. She’s never cared about designer brands, rarely buys new clothes, and the jewelery she owns was gifted to her.
I have a decent job now (80k a year) and I’ve been saving for awhile, but growing up my family didn’t have a lot of money. My GF and I have always seemed to be on the same page when it comes to saving money.
I assumed she would be fine with a more affordable ring. When I started looking into rings, I discovered moissanite rings, which look similar to diamond rings but are much more affordable. I was looking at rings in the 1500 -1800 range.
When I mentioned this to her she insisted she wanted a real diamond ring and sent me links to a bunch of diamond rings that she liked. The prices ranged from 6,500-10,000. I told her that I wasn’t willing to spend that much. She seemed genuinely mad and said it wasn’t “that expensive.” We got in a pretty big argument over it.
I told her that it was ridiculous to ask me to spend that much and that I thought she was more reasonable than that. She said I was being cheap and that I could afford it and that I was basically saying she wasn’t worth it. I told her no one is worth a 10,000 ring...
Eventually my GF said she didn’t care and that I should get whatever ring I want but she’s clearly still mad and I know this is going to be a an ongoing argument. I’m a bit frustrated because this seems out of left field. I’ve always known marriage is super important to her but I didn’t realize she’d insist on a diamond ring.
So I talked to my older sister about it, who despite agreeing diamond rings were stupidly priced, sided with my GF and said if I could afford it, she didn’t see the big deal. She added that my GF has done “so much” for me and I was being an as*hole about this.
What my sister means by my GF “doing so much for me' is that she was really supportive when I was in a serious car accident 4 years ago. I broke multiple bones and required a few surgeries. Although where I live most healthcare is covered, I was unable to work for awhile and had expenses I wasn’t able to pay.
I had been dating my GF for only 6 months at the time and she was really there for me. I couldn’t pay my rent so she let me move in with her for free and helped pay for a few expenses and for physical therapy I needed.
She also helped me get a job with her uncle who was the VP of an insurance company (It was an entry level position and I had a business degree so it’s not like I was unqualified).
Obviously I’ve thanked her for all she did for me but it’s not something we talk about much. I don't think I’m obligated to buy an expensive ring because she helped me out a few years ago. But if my own sister said this I’m guessing my GF must feel the way as well. AITA here?
YTA (You're the As*hole). She is typically low maintenance and agreeable. She supported you and stepped up when you needed her without complaint. She had asked for this one thing you find unreasonable, but can afford...it's something she is going to wear every day for the rest of her life.
Talk with her about it. Ask her to explain why it's so important to her, without interrupting or arguing (that part is important!) When it's your turn, tell her why you think is too much (focus on how you could use that money together, not just on it being 'wasteful.'
Why you find it wasteful even though you can afford it is what matters. 'No one is worth $10,000' sounds a lot like 'I don't love you that much' in the heat of the moment.)
Once you have both given real, understandable, calm reasons, try to find a compromise if you still disagree. A diamond is important to her, so can you give her a budget you feel is responsible? Can you nudge that budget into an area that feels slightly uncomfortable to you? Neither of you may love the feeling of compromise, but that's what a healthy marriage takes.
She's already shown you the 'richer/poorer, sickness and health part. Now show her you can work with her to find solutions when you disagree.
YTA - 'I don't think I’m obligated to buy an expensive ring because she helped me out a few years ago.' My man, your GF isn't obligated to marry you.
YTA. This is a ring she’s going to be wearing 24/7 for the rest of her life. that is a HUGE deal. by your own admission she’s not a materialistic person, this is just the one thing she wants. $6000 spread out over the next 60+ years is absolutely a worthy investment for your future wife.
It’s not about you owing her for her helping you. she did that because she loves you. this girl never asks for anything, you should be doing this because you love her. it would be different if you straight up couldn’t afford it, but clearly you can.
YTA a bit. Your thoughts seemed reasonable until you told the part of the story where you lived off her for months and she covered your expenses. Get the ring she wants and apologize for not seeing it sooner.
Ok I’m sorry but YTA. You are asking this woman who did all that for you to spend the rest of her life with you. But you are not willing to grant her this one wish she has even though you can afford it? Bro if you really want her buy her the damn diamond!
Everyone agreed unanimously here that this man is completely wrong about this one. If he couldn't afford the ring she wanted, it'd obviously be a different situation, but choosing to deny his future wife the ring she wants is a pretty petty way to begin a marriage. Good luck to the potential newlyweds!