"MIL turned son’s wedding into her own grief parade."
I attended a wedding that was as intimate and meaningful as it gets with no more than 20 people. The bride is an only child, incredibly close to her father, who had died about 10 years earlier in a sudden and tragic way.
He had been her best friend and her only immediate family. One of the many reasons the couple kept the wedding small was because, while it was a joyful day, the absence of her dad was profound. She had always imagined him walking her down the aisle.
Her dad had been a fun loving, tender-hearted guy, and everyone agreed the groom (who never got to meet him) shared the same kind of compassion and kindness. We all knew the two of them would have gotten along really well. Sadly, the groom’s father had passed away <10 or 11> months before the wedding as well.
The couple honored both of their dads in thoughtful, subtle ways. The bride had tiny photo charms of her father, grandparents, and the groom’s father tied to her bouquet (so they could symbolically walk with her down the aisle).
During the ceremony, the officiant spoke about the fathers who weren’t able to be there. It was elegant and heartfelt. Enter the groom’s mom. She’s… one of those people. The kind who has to be the center of attention, whose pain and suffering is always bigger than anyone else’s.
At this tiny wedding, she showed up with an 8x10 framed photo of her late husband. Then she slow-marched down the aisle to her seat, holding it in front of her like the Pope carrying a holy relic. Sobbing.
During the ceremony, she propped the framed photo on the church pew in front of her, facing everyone (her and the guests; not the couple). It was the opposite of subtle. This wasn’t a quiet remembrance.
It was a bit of a spectacle. Especially since half of the 20 person guest list consisted of her, her children, their spouses and the FOG’s best friend, his spouse and their children. The bride’s side consisted of a few close childhood friends who became mutual friends of the couple (me being one of them).
Every time I see this couple, I think of their day. They handled it with grace, but it was such a clear preview of the MIL the bride was going to get. And sure enough the MOG/MIL is always making sure she takes center stage at every time she’s around.
*edited words to clarify the amount of time between the father’s death and the wedding. Also the direction of the framed photo (she had the picture of her husband looking at her and facing the guests. Not the couple.)
MOG also brought some of the ashes to the wedding weekend and had the groom’s side gather to spread them so FOG was “present.” She also turned the night before wedding toast into a tribute to her husband.
I absolutely agree that grief is deeply personal and that everyone processes loss in their own way. Losing a spouse is devastating, and no one should minimize the weight of that pain.
The couple had been engaged while the father was still alive, and they moved forward with their plans with the full encouragement of the groom’s mother. She even framed it as something “to look forward to,” which made her later actions feel contradictory.
We all deserve space to grieve. But we’re also responsible for how we show up in the lives of others. There’s a balance between honoring someone’s memory and making someone else's special moment an extension of what you’re going through.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Respectfully, I would of thwacked her over the head with that picture.
My soon to be BIL’s Dad passed 3 days before my sisters and his wedding. My sister was the oldest of our seven siblings. Her MIL and his entire family showed nothing but quiet dignity and elegance that whole day. I was only 11 when they got married but I still remember her MIL’s dignity and grace.
Yeah, someone who has just lost a spouse may be unhinged.
Luckily most people are able to understand that.
As someone who's attended many weddings, I can say that it's a day meant to celebrate the couple and their love. It is absolutely okay to honor the memory of loved ones, but it should be done in a way that doesn't detract from the couple's joy.
It's unfortunate that the groom's mom used this special occasion to draw attention to herself rather than focusing on the happiness of her son and his new wife. Hopefully, the couple was able to enjoy their day despite her antics. They sure handled the situation with grace!
I’d have a little more compassion for the grooms mom - she’s still learning how to live without the love of her own life. If the couple was gracious - the guests should be as well.
The grooms father passed away only a month before the wedding - in many cultures, a family death that close to the wedding would have completely cancelled all festivities. The bride's side may have had 10 years to grieve and accept the loss of that father - and even then kept it small because of how large that loss loomed over them.
But the grooms side had done all the planning for the wedding assuming the father was going to be there and part of it. It's a monumental loss and the fact that the groom's mother was able to show up at all is a testament.
I find OP's dripping judgement and lack of compassion (and projection that somehow this MIL is attention seeking and dramatic?) much more disturbing than a reckoning of grief during a moment that all parents have envisioning since their child was born.
Yeah in my culture the wedding would have to be cancelled. We are not allowed any celebration for many months after the death of a loved one. We wear only black for 45 days, we are not supposed to drink, dance, or listen to music.
We cannot attend any events and we aren't supposed to smile for that 45 days. Then for the year following you're still supposed to skip any type of celebratory event. The death of a parent would in my culture delay an upcoming wedding over a year out.
DCSubi (OP)
I absolutely agree that grief is deeply personal and that everyone processes loss in their own way. Losing a spouse is devastating, and no one should minimize the weight of that pain.
The groom's father passed away 10 months before the wedding not one month, not a week. The couple had been engaged while he was still alive, and they moved forward with their plans with the full encouragement of the groom’s mother. She even framed it as something “to look forward to,” which made her later actions feel contradictory.
If you read my other response you’ll see that the MOG also brought ashes to spread and turned the rehearsal dinner toast into another tribute. We all deserve space to grieve.
But we’re also responsible for how we show up in the lives of others, especially during their most meaningful moments. There’s a balance between honoring someone’s memory and making someone else's moment an extension of your own grief.
I dont think anyone on this thread who support OP was saying the MIL shouldn't grieve in her own way, maybe just take it down a notch on a happy yet solemn occasion as both the bride and groom were also missing their fathers. You canvrieve and wish for your spouse, child, or parent to be there, you can cry that they aren't.
Carrying an 8 x 10 pic of husband as if it is the body of Christ down the aisle is extreme. Of cours, she misses her husband, its only been a few months, and no one is expecting backflips. Life goes on, especially when your most beloved grandfather dies on your birthday.