I (26F) married my now husband “Jay” (25M) this past weekend. We had a fairly small wedding party that consisted of 2 bridesmaids and my best friend who we will call Kate. She was supposed to be my maid of honor.
When Jay and I first got together, Kate would constantly project her toxic relationship into us and would tell me how careful I needed to be, men are sneaky, etc. A couple of times her comments have made me get into my head about Jay, so I shut that down relatively fast. We were good until the morning of my wedding.
I changed my mind on how I wanted to do my hair. I wanted an updo at first. But I have dreadlocks and my husband loves when my dreadlocks are curly so I got two strands and Kate walked in while I was taking them out the morning of.
She instantly said “why are you taking your hair down?" I explained I wanted my dreadlocks to be down and curly and I was going to add floral charms to my hair afterwords. She raved about how cute it sounded and asked why I changed my mind.
I said Jay likes my hair like this, so I want to surprise him. Her face twisted in disappointment, so I asked what was wrong and she let out a huge rant about how up Jay’s butt I am. And how everything I’m doing is for him, she said I was changing my big day to accommodate him constantly. I said it was both of our days and if she had a problem with that, she could leave.
She said “but I’m your maid of honor” and I said she wasn’t being a good one nor a good friend. She set her bouquet down and left. I didn’t have time to chase her, so I finished getting ready and I didn’t see her the rest of the night.
The next morning, as I was leaving my hotel room, I bumped into Kate leaving her room which was across the hall. I didnt think she’d stay, but the wedding was an hour away from where we live.
She said she didn’t want to talk to me anymore because she wasted a lot money to be apart of my big day just to be kicked out the morning of. I told her she didn’t have to leave. I just wanted her to respect the choices I make and respect my now husband as well.
She said that I did actually tell her to leave. My wedding party is on my side. But we have some mutual friends who think what I did was wrong, especially considering the money she put into the bachelorette party and some of my center pieces.
Kate is asking for some of her money back now and I think it’s getting a bit out of hand. I really don’t think I was wrong here. But if I was, I’m more than willing to pay her some of her money back. At least for my center pieces.
It sounds like her past relationship really colored her views on everyone, including your husband. Truly, I think she behaved that way out of concern. Many people don't realize that manipulation begins at a very small thing and balloons up. She thinks you are changing for him, and changing who you are.
To you, this is something small that will please you both and make you both happy. To her, this is him trying to change you. Neither of you are exactly right or wrong. She should have just shut up and supported you on your day.
Your relationship isn't hers. You aren't changing FOR your husband, but because you wanted something and it was for you both. She doesn't see it that way. See if you can get together and talk.
While I agree with you on everything the friend must have been feeling, I had to hard stop agreeing with you when you said, "Neither of you are exactly right or wrong."
The MoH was wrong. Flat out wrong. I agree where she was coming from might look like a control thing, but it wasn't. So she was wrong and attacked (yes, verbally attacked) the bride on her wedding day over how the bride wanted to do her hair.
That’s a really good point. I want to talk to her about this for sure.
Imma dissent here because once it became apparent that he is not abusing her, disrespecting her, or mistreating her, she needed to change her narrative. MOH has a relationship issue and she needs to be mature enough to recognize it's HER issue. Not everyone else's.
Not everyone has crappy relationshps; some hit the jackpot, some work to make it work. Changing and evolving in your partnership is natural and NORMAL. Wearing a hairstyle your husband likes is not close to 'changing for someone.' Most women like dressing up and looking cute for our partners. We like that positive safe attention.
Why shouldn't she wear it in a way they BOTH like? Her going off on such a negative rant, over HAIR, on the wedding day was out of line. No one wants to have someone there who is going to be so outwardly negative about their love.
Plus she had the option of keeping her opinions to herself OR leaving. By leaving she declared she was going to actively sow discord at the event just because she could.
Yes exactly!! And I’ve tried having this conversation with her a few times, my husband treats me like a queen. Him and his family welcomed my daughter, who was just 4 at the time when I introduced them, with open arms and he treats us both in ways I dreamed of when I was very used to toxicity.
I almost self sabotaged the (at the time) prospective relationship because even I had a moment where I projected my past onto him and questioned every good thing he did before I actually gave him a chance.
NTA. You didn’t ask her to leave. You gave her a choice. She chose to leave rather than respect your choices. She also chose the morning of your wedding to launch into a pretty nasty tirade of abuse about your husband. That’s unacceptable behavior.
You’re right about it getting out of hand. She’s parsing your words to make herself the victim in order to get a payday out of you. You need to make it clear that she’s twisted the narrative. She chose to leave and there will be be reimbursement. Good luck OP.