'My mom said my wedding was 'just okay' at my twin’s wedding — and she still doesn’t know she’s no longer welcome in our home.' UPDATED
"My mom said my wedding was 'just okay' at my twin’s wedding — and she still doesn’t know she’s no longer welcome in our home."
I (27F) got married in Oct 2024 to my now-husband (28M), a military reservist. We had a small mountain wedding after surviving a long deployment, and it was everything we hoped for.
Leading up to it, my mom (61F) emotionally blew up on us — crying, saying we didn’t include her, and even told my husband he ruined our relationship. She apologized to me, but never to him like she promised. Still, we let her come. She even brought her sister (not invited) and I didn’t have the energy to say no.
Fast forward to my twin sister’s destination wedding this spring (I was the maid of honor). My mom was drinking, and at the rehearsal dinner, she told my sister (in front of my husband), “Their wedding was okay… but this is beautiful.”
He didn’t tell me until later that night because he didn’t want to ruin the day. That comment crushed him. When we got home, we made the hard decision: she’s no longer welcome to stay in our home. That was in April. It’s now July. She has no idea.
Since then, we’ve only had vague phone calls, and now she’s saying she wants to come visit “to change up her scenery.” She can’t drive anymore, so if she visits, she’d be fully dependent on us to get around and would definitely expect to stay with us.
I’m frozen. I don’t know how to say, “you can come to dinner, but you’re not staying here.” I feel like I’ve been protecting everyone else’s feelings for years while mine get ignored. I love her, but I’m drained. Has anyone ever had to say something like this to a parent? How do you set this kind of boundary without feeling like a terrible daughter?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Stop beating around the bush and talk to your mom.
Boundaries only matter if you're willing to enforce them. She treated your husband like crap, refused to apologize, and insults you both when she thinks you're not listening.
At some point, you need to decide, are your mom's feelings more valid and important than your husband's? Are they more important than yours? If you keep putting your mom first, your husband is going to realize that when push comes to shove, you bend over.
"You realise we're upset with you, right? You trash talked my wedding to people at *twins' wedding, and that really sucked. You've not only disrespected me but you've disrespected my husband, and honestly, I don't want to see you for a while, so until I'm ready, the answer is going to be no."
I'd go no contact, but it doesn't sound like you're gonna go for that.
NTA.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
I finally called my mom to talk about it. She immediately denied saying anything hurtful and essentially called my husband a liar. We went back and forth, and she eventually agreed to call and apologize to him directly. She asked for his work schedule, I gave it to her, and she said she’d call.
Then, instead of following through, she texted saying she wanted a three-way call instead — reframing the situation as a “misunderstanding” or “relay of communication.” I told her clearly this wasn’t about miscommunication — it was about words that were said and how they made us feel. What we needed first was ownership and an apology.
Her reply was that she’s “been accused of speaking without thinking” and now wants to talk with her sister (my aunt) before speaking with us again. She said she’ll let us know when she’s ready.
The unexpected twist:
The day after my mom said she wanted to talk with my aunt before speaking to us again, my aunt texted me out of the blue:
“Call me when you have a minute to talk. No one knows I am reaching out to you so please don’t mention it.”
I called her, and we had an incredibly validating conversation.
She’s been through almost the exact same dynamic with their mom and with my mom — constant comparisons, disapproval of her spouse, judgment about her life choices. She told me my mom has never taken genuine accountability or given a real apology, and likely never will.
She encouraged me to stop chasing approval, keep my focus on my marriage, and keep any interactions with my mom surface-level and drama-free. Later in the call, I told her that my mom had said she wanted to speak with her before reaching out to us again.
The very next morning, my aunt texted me:
“Your mom talked to me when we were having coffee this morning. I will call you later today to let you know what we discussed. I didn’t tell her that you and I talked yesterday nor did I start the conversation — she did.”
When she called later, she gave my husband the lowdown on what we’d discussed the day before and shared what my mom had said. At one point, my mom apparently asked my aunt if she should apologize to us — and my aunt told her no, because she believed it wouldn’t be genuine anyway.
Where Things Stand Now:
Despite my aunt’s advice, my mom still texted both my husband and me in a group chat asking when my husband had time this week to talk—after putting us off with excuses multiple times.
At that point, my husband (28M) was fully done. He doesn’t want to keep going in circles, and I don’t blame him. For me, it’s sad to accept that my mom may never be the type to take real accountability or give a genuine apology.
I know it’s going to take me some time to heal and move forward, but I also know that low contact (at least for now) is best for my mental health and for my marriage. I’ll be focusing on my life with my husband, keeping boundaries in place, and leaning on my aunt and of course my husband for support when I need it.
If anything changes, I’ll update again.
Thanks to everyone who encouraged me through this—it’s been hard, but I finally feel like I’m putting us first.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Hugs. One thing I have learned both through therapy and Reddit groups is that chasing my mom for a change just stressed me out. The minute I learned to say: she was the best mother she could be vs. She is a good mother to me or that I needed, did my thinking change.
You need to work in that she loves you, but she doesn't know what you need and quite possibly can't give it to you. She will not change, but you don't need to change either. Your expectations need to change.
I understand your aunts reasoning in her head as to why she told your mom not to apologize, but I worry your aunt telling your mom not to apologize may be taken wrong. I see your mom using that as validating she did nothing wrong and doesn't owe you an apology.
The fact that your aunt suddenly texted you after your mom mentioned wanting to talk to her really shows how your mom is trying to triangulate instead of apologizing directly. That must be exhausting to deal with.
Sometimes letting go of the rope is the only solution. Don't chase love from someone who has no love to give. Do what you need to keep your peace not your mother's. Your husband is your family now. No need to have a confrontation.
No yelling, no arguing just let everything fade away. Realize the one losing is your mother. You have so much more in common with your aunt then mom. Surround your self with people that love you and don't see you as less. Life is better without the stress.