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Man asks grandparents to do traditional wedding dance with him instead of his dad and stepmom. AITA?

Man asks grandparents to do traditional wedding dance with him instead of his dad and stepmom. AITA?


'AITA for saying no to a mother/son dance at my wedding with my dad's wife?'


I (28m) will be marrying my fiancée Skye (28f) in November. Skye is dancing with her mom and her granddad, the two people who raised her. Skye wanted to know if I had any plans to dance with anyone. I told her I would likely ask my grandparents on my mom's side. They're the people I would be closest to.

I asked my grandparents and they were over the moon. Grandpa even started practicing for it. My grandma was a little more emotional about it because my mom died when I was only seven and for my grandma, it was a reminder that she and grandpa had to step in for some stuff so it could feel as close to having mom there as possible.

The reason I asked my grandparents is I am not close to my dad or his wife. My dad is a cold man. He was always that way. After our mom died it was my grandparents who were there for my younger brother and I. Dad would tell us to stop trying to make him something he wasn't. The only time he wanted emotion from us was his second wedding to his wife.

She dreamed of stepping in and becoming our mom and filling in the gaps mom left behind. We never wanted her to do that. In fact for years my brother and I hated her for trying to fill in for mom. She was a stranger, some woman our dad chose, who was nothing to us.

She went too far at times and because of that in my heart she never became my stepmom and instead remained my dad's wife. My brother feels the same way. She's not a terrible person. Some would say we should have welcomed her efforts and appreciated them. But she was stepping all over our mom in our eyes. When she'd put her name down under mom instead of legal guardian.

When she'd buy herself Mother's Day cards and put our names on a card that said best mom. When she cut my brothers hair against his wishes because it bothered her that it was almost exactly like mom's hair and she hated it being pointed out.

When she tried to guilt us into watching her give birth when we didn't want to. When she tried to force me to bring her to some mother/son dance and cried because I refused. Today I have a minimal, more low contact relationship with them. So she was never going to be someone I asked.

But she heard through my dad's parents that I was planning the dance with my grandparents and she asked me to do a mother/son dance with her. I said no. I didn't give a reason or make a discussion. Just no. She started crying again and told me that we loved crushing her and putting her in her place when all she ever wanted was to love us.

She's mad and so are my dad and his parents. They said my brother and I always treated her unfairly and I should have agreed to the dance after all these years of her trying. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers:


NTA. It's clear from your post that you have deep-seated emotional reasons for not wanting to share a mother/son dance with your dad's wife. The wounds from your mother's passing and the way your dad's wife tried to insert herself into your lives are still very raw for you and your brother.

You're entitled to your feelings and boundaries, especially during such a personal and important event as your wedding. It's understandable that your dad's wife may have genuinely wanted to bridge the gap and create a loving relationship, but her actions, as you've described them, seemed to have overstepped and caused distress for both of you.

While some may argue that you should have extended an olive branch, your decision to prioritize your own emotional well-being and comfort on your wedding day is valid. It's essential to consider your own feelings and healing process first and foremost.

It's unfortunate that this decision has caused hurt feelings, but your boundaries and emotional health should be respected. It's a complicated situation, and it's okay to prioritize your own emotional healing over trying to accommodate others who might not understand the depth of your experiences.

The OP responded here:


Thank you for taking the time to respond. It's true that we have both been told, my brother and I, that we should have tried to bridge the gap or attempted to figure out a way to love our dad's wife and let her be more to us than we did.

They say we should have seen her mistakes as good intentioned and allowed her to be a second mother to us. But it's not like we had such a good relationship with our dad that it would make sense to try for his sake.


NTA 'She's mad and so are my dad and his parents.' That's their problem, not yours. Congrats on your wedding.

The OP again responded:


Thank you!


'When she cut my brothers hair against his wishes because it bothered her that it was almost exactly like mom's hair and she hated it being pointed out.'

This really stuck out for me. She forcefully cut your brother's hair because he looked like your mom. If her over reach wasn't difficult enough this alone pretty much torpedoed you and your brother ever considering her to be a material figure in your life. NTA.


You’re absolutely NTA here. She has made you deeply uncomfortable on many occasions and has tried to make everyone stop referencing your actual mom in conversation. That’s incredibly insensitive and she’s definitely not deserving of a dance with you. Plus, you can do whatever you want on YOUR wedding day. Hell, you could dance with a pet if you want.

So, do you think the OP is being insensitive or are they making and effort to honor the person who made them who they are today?

Sources: Reddit
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