Worried sibling looks for help; 'I think my mum is going to ruin my sister’s wedding.'
"I think my mum is going to ruin my sister’s wedding"
Abooks0305
My (22F) sister (30F) is about to get married to her high school sweetheart and I am so stressed that our mum is going to ruin the day.
A little backstory, my mum is an undiagnosed narcissist.
The trauma her and my dad caused us kids throughout our entire childhood is too much to put in one post, but think huge arguments all the time, using us kids as the middle man in arguments, having police called to our house, etc. we’ve lived like this our entire lives. The worst part is neither, especially my mother, can rain themselves in while in public.
At my sisters university graduation, they had a huge argument on the campus, yelling and screaming and then continued that into her dorm room. We had to kick them out before security was called.
They ruined the day that was supposed to celebrate my sisters hard work and dedication to earn a degree. The worst part, they didn’t care and still to this day do not acknowledge or speak or apologised for doing that.
While my dad is bad, my mum is worse. Once she starts, she won’t stop. I think it stems from anxiety in big events. Since we were kids she’s always compared herself to others and will just be a nasty person when she’s stressed or upset about something.
Over the years we’ve had enough but she is a huge guilt tripper. Also, our entire lives, a couple of days after an argument, everyone is expected to just go back to being normal and not talk about it, because talking about it just continues the situation and they get angry again.
I’ve never heard an apology from either of my parents for anything they did and the ways they made us feel unsafe. So I think that’s why a lot of things continue to just be brushed off and the relationship continues.
However, my sisters wedding is coming up and our mum has been stressful and rude from the very start. She does not let things go. For instance, it’s a small wedding, so some family they we are not close with we’re not invited but mum has continued to harp on about them coming, even now, a week before the wedding.
She has also been taking over the show by making us all help her for months to pick out her dress for the wedding and her being in deceive and mean if we can’t find the right kind of dress for her.
She is the opposite of helpful and cannot keep her unwanted opinions to herself. My sister is very stressed about the wedding and how our mum might act. Now that the wedding is a week away, I cannot deal with her if she tries to make the day about her or starts an argument because she’s stressed or something.
I’m the maid of honour and I want my sister to have her fairytale. I have tried to reason with mum but it’s like nothing will get through. She’s like a ticking bomb, you really never know when she’ll go off and she can’t see reason.
I just need the day to go smoothly, for my sister to have the best day and my mum to just take a step back and be normal for once. My sister has also said if they ruin it, she’ll never talk to them again. I completely understand but I’ll be in the middle of it as I am still currently living at home with them while at university.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Fancy-Conversation42
Get your glasses of red wine ready for Mom’s white outfit…
Dlraetz1
Talk to the venue and warn the manager. Hav3 a security person on standby. If your parents act up security will escort them out and keep them from returning.
AllFunAndGames0329
Hire a “babysitter”, for lack of a better term. Find someone to follow her around and when she starts her crap (and you know that she will), have the sitter escort her out. Make sure the sitter knows where all of the exits are located so she doesn’t have to be paraded through the crowd and can be taken to the nearest exit.
It doesn’t have to be loud. Come up with something ahead of time… “oh mom, we are so excited to show you this thing over here….” And just lead her right out of there. Your mom is going to be your mom. At least you are aware of it ahead of time and have a few days to plan ahead….
avickysayswhat
Let the venue manager know asap, so security is on hand to remove them if they start. Send them photos of your parents if needed, and tell them not to be lenient if they try to complain they're parents of the bride.
Tell the DJ or whoever is in charge of the sound/microphone know, in case they try to do an impromptu speech. DJ will be able to switch off sound so they can't be heard.
The thing about the above is it should be handled by the venue most of all, because they want everything to go well and not escalate. And if it comes from them it hopefully won't blow back on you.
I sincerely hope the wedding goes well and there's no need for any of this, it must be exhausting. ETA: the sub raisedbynarcissists may have other helpful ideas for you to combat their behaviour.
Flat_Fennel_1517
If she starts a tantrum FILM HER and tell her you will upload so all the family will know. One thing about narcissist is they do care what the outside hates. Personally I would go LC as it sounds that she causes more trouble. Also have extra security and be prepared to kick her out.
foffl
Unfortunately for your sister, it sounds like the train has left the station and is going to crash into her wedding. Fortunately for you, if you ever have your own wedding, this can be the easy and obvious reason why your parents aren't invited.