'I found a text thread where my fiancé told a friend he is worried about our wedding photos.' UPDATED
"I found a text thread where my fiancé told a friend he is worried about our wedding photos."
My fiancé Dave and I have been dating two years and live together. Earlier today I was using his iPad to watch a show in our room because I wasn’t feeling well and we don’t have a TV in our room. We don’t use the iPad much, maybe a couple times a month.
While I was watching he was getting texts from a friend of his Mike. The banner just said “text message” so I kept swiping up but they were coming on so fast. At one point I accidentally opened the text convo. So to start I’m not a beauty. It doesn’t mean I’m not confident though. There’s rarely a day that goes by where I look in the mirror and am unsatisfied with my appearance.
How people treat women who do not fit any mold of “attractiveness” is a story for a different day but, I’ve often been referred to as a “starter girlfriend” or “stepping stone” and that my exes had no confidence since they chose to date me, or were closeted, and every guy I’ve ever asked out has always said no.
I’m not someone to date just to date, I don’t chase guys anymore, generally I’ve stayed away from dating. It took some time to trust that someone was interested in me and wasn’t going to drop me when someone “better” came along.
So the texts were Dave sending pictures of me to his friend trying to figure out what my “best angle” is. Mike said that my left side is “tolerable I guess, if anything you should tell the photographer to focus on that side.”
Dave expressed his frustration like “I think I do want to marry her but maybe you’re right just ask the photographer to edit some things here and there.” And Mike said, “it would make you both feel better. Maybe just have photos of her straight on since she looks best that way.”
I was more offended than hurt, and I’m still more offended than hurt. I know I’m not attractive but to say I need editing in my own wedding pictures is so rude and demeaning. I took screenshots with my phone and handed the iPad back to Dave so the first thing you see when you open it is the conversation.
He asked me how the movie was and I told him it was great, then we had lunch. I wear my heart on my sleeve and he knew immediately something was up and kept pestering me about it.
I kept saying I was still feeling off but he kept asking. So I told him he should talk to Mike about his concerns, since he and Mike have so many opinions about me. He kinda turned white for a second before asking me what I meant.
I handed him his iPad and I went to our bedroom and shut the door. He hasn’t come to talk to me for a few hours which is killing me. We usually talk things through but I don’t know what to do. I know he hasn’t left the apartment.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
There’s a lot of messed up stuff posted here but this is one of the saddest I’ve ever read. I got nothing.
Oh man. My heart broke for you reading this. You don't need to settle for someone who doesn't love you completely, and unconditionally. It's true when they say love is blind.
Someone who truly loves you wouldn't be worrying about how you will look in your wedding photos, and he absolutely wouldn't be allowing his friend to put you down for your looks. I know the thought of spending your life alone is scary and depressing, but trust me, it is way better than spending your life in a bad relationship. You deserve so much better.
Wow, you deserve so much better. A lot of the replies say to talk to him, but I feel that his opinion is clear and that talking is just asking him to pretend to be someone he’s not for long enough that you forget what he actually is. He just showed you his true self. You don’t need that in your life.
One month later, the OP returned with an update.
There were a lot of comments, but more often than not the comments told me to leave and how I don't deserve him. And all that. We had a civil conversation (our first for a while) and he told me he had been wanting to break up for a while but didn't think it was right.
Apparently he cares about me but had been wanting to break up for a while, but he felt bad. And said he doesn't know how to handle criticism about our relationship from other people. So I took that advice and left.
It only took a few days, and I hired movers to take my things. We talked a few times but I was really busy with work and packing that we stayed away from each other. I found an apartment for rent and here I am. It's a really nice place, and I'm happy it is. But I can't say that I'm much happier. If anything I might be a little worse off, I guess.
Like in my original post, I mentioned how I'm aware of how I look. And now that I'm alone it's all I can really think about. Talking about it with my family just leads to things like, "oh you're great, you're too beautiful to deal with someone so ugly," just kinda of made it worse.
All my friends are pretty and the way we are treated in public is just a reminder. Going out in a group to a club is a photographer getting shots of them, and one asked me to take a picture of him with everyone else.
I've generally paid for more than half of everything (I'm not saying guys should pay for anything, but my friends are always getting things from their boyfriends or husbands, even cars). And I'm definitely excited for them but it is just a reminder.
I've been trying to work out more because I gained about 20lbs since we started dating, so I work out some but more often I snooze my alarm. There is a novel I am trying to write and I've gotten some written but I am having trouble staying motivated.
I read and then I get inspiration and write like 200 - 400 words once or twice a day which is good so far. I found my 360 and have been playing Oblivion again lol. And I draw a little. But my apartment is an absolute mess. And like I don't miss him or anything, it's actually quite nice being on my own. But I am just so... sad? I don't have a distraction maybe? I can't really put my finger on it.
But overall I am doing well. Everyone was right about leaving him, because we'd both grown pretty agitated with one another and it was reaching a breaking point. Living alone has helped a lot.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Look all your feelings are valid, so feel those feelings and I hope you get better regarding being depressed. I will just say this then let you get back to slaying monsters and kicking ass. I was my wifes first actual boyfriend. She is disabled and she doesn't think she is pretty (I think she is gorgeous). She was 36 when we met.
You are never too old, you never don't have enough "Experience" lifes just an unfair BS game that we all have to play. Enjoy this time to yourself, use it to remember why you do kick ass, so that when you meet the right person, you love yourself, which is the only way you will be capable of fully loving someone else. Cheers. Oblivion is an awesome game.
Glad you left. I know you don’t think you’re beautiful, but it sounds like this break up was the first step to self acceptance and self love. Whether you find someone who truly appreciates all of you, or you just find love in yourself, I wish you luck on your personal journey.
"He had wanted to break up for a while" but then went ahead with the proposal and the wedding planning? What kind of time wasting-????
Poor girl. I can’t imagine how much that would wreck your self esteem. Being talked about like that by the person you’re supposed to marry is brutal.
This is such a case of sunk cost fallacy. It’s just easier to go along and get married because you’ve invested into the relationship than it is to break up and declare all that time and effort for naught. I’m glad OP questioned him and they broke up - it would be terrible to be married to someone who thinks you look ugly.