'My future MIL is attempting to take over my wedding.' UPDATED 3X and CONCLUDED

"I'm [25F] getting married in September and my fiancée's mom [50sF] is trying to get us to change details. My fiancée [26F] does whatever her mom says without consulting me."

These are petty details that don't really matter, like flowers and centerpieces. The order of the bridal processions, where people will sit at the reception, that kind of thing. None of these things are things that I have always dreamed of having a certain way, and my fiancée knows that and thinks that it means that the person who "cares more" should get more say. I disagree and wish she would butt out.

My fiancées mom has never been that nice to me. She isn't mean, but she is thoughtless. She does stuff like forget that I'm coming to dinner, and I end up eating a frozen dinner that she microwaved while everyone else has a nice meal.

I can't help but feel that she thinks that we are just silly little girls. She treated her other daughter like she was becoming a real adult when she got married (to a man) and to us she keeps saying that we're just so young and we should reconsider. My fiancées sister was younger than us when she got married by two years. She thinks we can't handle planning on our own.

I did almost everything myself and she has decided that I did it all wrong. We wanted a certain flower. She insisted that this type of flower wouldn't hold up in the heat (it's a late September evening wedding and it won't be that hot) and she tried to have it changed. The entire color scheme is based on this flower so I said no. My fiancée and I fought about the stupid flowers for a whole weekend.

The latest thing is that she disagrees with the bridal processions. Obviously there are two brides so things won't be 100% traditional. We found a way that we like. My future mother in law hates it and thinks it will confuse the guests. She's been calling her family members that are involved in the bridal parties to try to get them on her side.

I just want her to stop and accept that the plans have been made. My fiancée loves her mom and thinks she's the best at everything. She thinks that because her mom was an event planner for a couple of years in the 90s that she knows more and should be given the reins. I'm sick of it and I fantasize about pulling a Lorelei Gilmore on my own wedding. Help?

UPDATE #1:

My fiancée and I have a date to get married in September. Anyone who has planned a wedding knows that changing things at this stage is difficult and expensive.

It's not stopping my future mother-in-law. She loves to say "nothing is written in stone." I started keeping a journal of what she's tried to change. From memory without consulting it-- the flowers, the bridespeople, the order of the procession, the layout of the seats at the ceremony, my dress, the photographer, and some rules we decided to implement for the ceremony (long story there.)

I should mention that we are both women. My future mother in law hasn't been overtly homophobic but I suspect that it affects how she views us whether she realizes it or not. It's nothing concrete. I just sense it based on a lifetime of developing instincts for this stuff. She is dismissive of us and treats it like it's not a real wedding. I think she thinks of us as silly little girls who are playing house.

She didn't treat her straight daughter this way when she was married to a man, and my future sister-in-law was younger than us when she married her husband. That wedding was regarded as the event that ushered her into adulthood. For us though, the wedding is proof that we're silly and not ready for adulthood. She had told us both many times that we don't need to get married to validate our relationship.

My fiancée thinks her mother is just lending us her expertise because we're party planning amateurs. Her mom was an event planner for a couple of years in the 90s. They were corporate events, not weddings. She also has a philosophy of "whoever cares more and will be most upset if they don't get their way should have it their way." She says I don't care that much about flowers so I should let her have it.

I remind her 50 times a day that I'm getting married, not her mom. My fiancée is not girly and her only request was "please don't make me choose between 50 shades of ivory tablecloths." She has been more hands-off so she isn't as emotionally invested. She doesn't get that I have been putting a lot into this and to have someone wreck it all is depressing.

This isn't usually my thing but I've been surprised at how much I enjoyed the planning. However, her mom is known by everyone as "the planner" and everyone lets her have events because they know she enjoys it. A lot of her relatives have told me I must be so relieved to have her because everything she does ends up perfect. They assume two butch looking women are allergic to this kind of thing, i guess.

I don't know what to say and I won't lie so I just say "she certainly loves planning stuff." To get my fiancée on board I've compared the wedding to a garden. How would she feel if she spent a year planting a garden, paying a lot of money for it, and when it's almost done the next door neighbor comes in and demands that you rip out some flowers?

Would you do it if the neighbor said "I used to work at a plant nursery for two years in the 90s" and seemed emotionally invested in your garden, or would you think they're a nutcase and tell them to leave because it's not theirs? She seemed to get it and apologized, but then the next time her mom called her she sat me down and asked me to consider changing another wedding detail.

I'm feeling unsupported by my fiancée and my friends are really concerned. I'm writing this at 4am and watching Gilmore Girls on low volume while my fiancée sleeps upstairs. I used to curse at the screen when Lorelei ran out on her wedding but now I find myself identifying with how panicked she gets about the wedding.

UPDATE #2:

After some tough love the other day, I had a discussion with my fiancée(?). She dismissed my concerns, told me things such as "I get why my mom cares, but I don't get why you care. It's not even your thing." I don't understand how she can't see that my wedding should be my thing. She is disgusted that I want to do all of this "girly sh!t."

I tend to shut down and get quiet when I'm upset, so I went upstairs and tried to sleep. I texted a friend that I trust and he convinced me to get away for a couple of days. I packed a bag and told her I need some space for a while and that we both have a lot to think about. She seemed really shocked even though we had just been talking for hours about how she's letting me down...

I think she needs me to scream and cry for her to understand that I'm upset. I was still in the car to my friend's house when I got a call from my fiancées mom. She called her and I guess she said that things were serious because of her interference. She said "don't worry, fiancée's not making me call you on her behalf."

The call was weird. She made me promise I was still going to a family dinner that was planned for Saturday. I had forgotten about it, but I said I still plan on it for now. She begged and said we need to see each other and work on this. So I said fine, I'll do it. Based on how she's behaved before, i think she will try to approach me with a "compromise" that gives her 80% and gives me 20%.

I don't expect an apology. Maybe I'm being defeatist. Anyway, I'm on a couch at my friend's place for a couple of days. I get a text message every few hours from future-MIL. An example: "you have chosen very tasteful flowers! I think they'll be beautiful and you were right to ignore me!" with rainbow heart emojis added. I think she's worried the wedding might not happen and she's freaking out.

I haven't responded to any of her texts. I have thirteen right now. Future-MIL has been horrible to me at family dinners before. She has "forgotten" that I'm coming and had nothing for me to eat (I'm a vegetarian.) She pulled a vegetarian frozen meal out and I ate that while everyone else had homemade food because everything had meat or animal fat in it. This has happened twice.

Other times I've had to eat side dishes, which was fine, but they didn't have a place setting for me and dragged a rickety old chair from another part of the house to the table while I stood there awkwardly. If either of those things happen on Saturday, I'm leaving. Since she made me promise over the phone I don't think she has an excuse to "forget."

UPDATE #3:

"I called off the wedding. My ex-fiancée's mom is begging us to keep it a secret and 'think on it.'​​​​​"

I told my ex-fiancée that she needs to call her guests within 24 hours or I'll do it for her. She told me she wasn't doing it at all so I may as well just do it for her and start now. That's the last straw. I'm calling the guests and telling them as soon as I'm done typing this. I was putting up with enough disrespect from her myself but to see her disrespect all of the wedding guests in her family disgusts me.

She has some elderly relatives who were going to come despite poor health. They deserve as much warning as possible. I'm moving out as soon as I can. Thanks for everything everyone, hopefully this is the last you will hear from me.

As a reminder, my ex-fiancée and I are both women. Last time I posted I said I was going to a dinner with my then future inlaws. You guys were right to convince me not to go. I'm just going to call my ex-fiancées mom FMIL to keep things simple, but I have no idea if I'll get married to her or if our relationship will survive this.

I cancelled dinner and FMIL was very upset about it. I didn't feel right playing happy family while I wasn't even sleeping at my own place because things were so bad. I think she knew about all of it based on how frantic she was about the cancellation. She sent a lot of texts and started calling me about five times a day, which I ignored.

Ex-F and I had Monday off so I decided Sunday would be a good time to talk. I arranged a time to talk and went back home. I said that I am calling off the wedding because I don't feel ready. I said "I'm not saying never, just not now. We have some work to do if we ever want to get married."

I won't go into the whole conversation because it took place over many hours, but she first got nasty and sarcastic and mean before suddenly bursting into tears and telling me she knew she had been horrible to me and she didn't know why. She said an ugly side of her was coming out lately and she was ashamed of herself.

We spoke about that for a long time and I said I'm willing to work with you on that as long as your work on yourself. She even agreed that we are nowhere near ready to be married. I ended up spending the night and things seemed like they were on the mend.

I woke up and she'd gotten up early to make crepes. She was singing in the kitchen and had a huge smile on her face when I walked in. I hadn't seen her look so happy in months. We talked and laughed and ate crepes, but halfway through breakfast she snapped at me and threw a spoon across the kitchen. I was stunned and looked at her and said "this can't continue.

If you ever throw something in anger again, I'm OUT. That's not okay." She looked pretty horrified that she'd done it and said she was so sorry and she'd ruined our whole day off together. I said no, it doesn't have to be ruined. Just show me that the rest of the day can be better than that. She seemed to take that to heart and she hasn't even teased me or said anything sarcastic since then.

In a nutshell, we found that the source of the nastiness and dismissiveness was that she was scared of getting married and didn't know how to tell me because I seemed so excited. She thought I would dump her if she asked for the wedding to be pushed back or cancelled. She was pushing me away emotionally because she didn't want the wedding to happen.

What she did wasn't okay, but at least I understand the motivation behind it better now. We decided that the first people to find out should be the vendors because we want to forfeit as little money as possible, and then the parents. I called my dad and he was pretty nice about it.

Ex-F called her own parents and they were not happy. FMIL made her promise that she would take three weeks to "think about it" and keep this a secret. I disagree. I think guests should be told as soon as possible because some of them might not have paid for hotels, wedding outfits, or airline tickets yet. I would rather save them the money if possible.

FMIL has called and texted me dozens of times asking me to say nothing. She has also offered to send us both on a vacation to reconnect and get away from wedding stress. I think she will be really embarrassed if the wedding is called off and she's becoming desperate.

I am under no "promise" to FMIL and I told all of the guests in my family. All of my friends know because they've been helping me through this, and so that just leaves family members on Ex-F's side. I have all of the guest's information because I handled STDs/invitations. I am thinking of just calling them because I think it's the right thing to do, but it will start a war with FMIL.

FINAL UPDATE/CONCLUSION:

I told my ex-fiancée that she needs to call her guests within 24 hours or I'll do it for her. She told me she wasn't doing it at all so I may as well just do it for her and start now. That's the last straw. I'm calling the guests and telling them as soon as I'm done typing this. I was putting up with enough disrespect from her myself but to see her disrespect all of the wedding guests in her family disgusts me.

She has some elderly relatives who were going to come despite poor health. They deserve as much warning as possible. I'm moving out as soon as I can. Thanks for everything everyone, hopefully this is the last you will hear from me.