Woman insults grandma by not allowing family member she 'barely knows' to bring a plus one to wedding. AITA?
"AITA for uninviting my cousin to my wedding after she threw a fit about not getting a plus one"
khalizard
I am getting married in 6 weeks and it is important to me that my grandmother feels special and loved on my wedding day as we have always been extremely close and she struggles with inclusion at times.
We invited 300 people to our wedding as I have a huge family. So, although that is a large number of guests, I still needed to choose very carefully who to invite/not. My grandma is particularly close with one of her sisters whom she lives with.
I know my great aunt but not her children very well and haven’t seen them in a few years. But, since they are my grandma's closest people I felt it was important to include my great aunt and her 5 children.
Two of her kids are married so I invited those four as couples. Three of her children are divorced and have been single for years - these three did not get a plus one which their invite clearly states.
Turns out, my oldest cousin (40y/o) asked my grandma if she could bring her boyfriend of two months to the wedding in place of her brother who wouldn’t be attending. My grandma thought that would be fine and brought it up to me on a recent phone call.
I thought of it as a bit rude to ask but I get shooting your shot just to see. I explained to my grandma that my fiancé has never even met my cousin in the 7 years we’ve been together, let alone her new boyfriend. The wedding is expensive and I didn’t feel comfortable paying for a stranger to attend and figured my cousin would understand.
Turns out my cousin freaked out at my grandma and was sobbing over how rude it was that I won’t let her boyfriend attend as her plus one. She’s recently divorced and it’s the first time she’s felt happy in years.
So my grandma calls my mom to ask if cousin can bring him as “she hates to make people cry.” Without knowing I had already given a firm no, my mom says, “sure, why not.”
My grandma then calls me and starts off the phone call with, “please don’t be mad at me but…” and explains the situation. My grandma always tries to please everyone and she struggles with boundaries. I’m used to this. I explained I wasn’t mad at her but annoyed.
I asked why my 40-year-old cousin, whom I barely know would throw a tantrum over not having a plus one to my wedding, somebody she hardly knows. Grandma tried to explain that it’s the first family function she gets to bring him to... but Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner so that’s silly.
Ultimately, I told my grandma that I already made a decision and my cousin doesn’t get to have a plus one. But now I don’t even want my cousin to attend as this seems like very rude and childish behavior. I have since removed her name from the online RSVP that she hadn’t yet responded to.
I know this will cause problems and drama for my sweet grandma which is what I was trying to avoid by inviting my great aunt and her kids in the first place.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Nirw99
NTA who tf insist on bringing the boyfriend OF TWO MONTHS to a relative wedding??? anyhow, it's your wedding so you can invite and uninvite whoever you want, just be clear and explain your side to your grandma since you care so much (; congrats!
Elegant_Panic7858
NTA. She didn't respond to the RSVP, so obviously you removed her from the list. No one can blame you for her not responding.
The OP responded here:
khalizard
She technically had until September 23 to respond. When her family goes on to respond to the RVSP her name will no longer show up as an option to accept or decline for. Edit: this was petty. Her name is back on the RSVP list ready for her to accept or decline. No plus one.
freetheblossom
ESH. You’ve made it clear that what your grandma thinks matters so much to you that you’re willing to invite people you are not close to for her sake (the great aunt and her kids). You said you want to make her feel special.
She decided that she was happy to allow the boyfriend to go in place of the brother (i.e it was a guest that was ALREADY part of the original 300 so you didn’t have to pay extra) and you went back on your word. Grandma sucks for giving permission to someone to come to your wedding without talking to you.
The OP again responded:
khalizard
I like this stance. From a wedding planning perspective, we get excited anytime a distant relative declines their RSVP - it’s less money for food and alcohol. So replacing somebody we would have been excited about a decline for somebody we don’t know at all would feel like spending extra. If that makes sense.
The OP also provided a small edit after reading all the comments.
"Edit"
khalizard
My cousin still invited but no plus one. I thought about saying, “I’m sorry grandma but that won’t work, I’m not comfortable with her inviting strangers without my permission” would have been the end of it. It’s just silly from there.
Maybe if she had come to me from the start, it would have been different. Lesson learned. If she shows up with him, she shows up with him 🤷🏼♀️. It’s been fun hearing everyone’s opinions. Obviously I know where I’m coming from but it’s interesting to hear how she may be perceiving my actions. Thanks to everyone for participating!