'AITA for suggesting we call off our wedding over a prenup and wedding planning?' UPDATED
"AITA for suggesting we call off our wedding over a prenup and wedding planning?"
prethrowaway9
My girlfriend (26F) and myself (M24) have just found out that she is pregnant. She is adamant about not wanting to have a child out of wedlock, so we have been discussing getting married. We’ve been together for 3 and a half years.
Prior to finding out about the baby, we had only talked about marriage a little bit. I know she wants to get married badly, but I’m kind of on the otherwise of the fence. I’m not 100% against it, but definitely not eager/desperate to get married for multiple reasons.
For one, my brother just recently got taken to the cleaners by his ex-wife (he pays her like 10k a month in addition to losing some of his properties!!) and that whole situation terrifies me and I’ve never really seen what a marriage provides that makes that risk worth it.
To me, it’s just the same thing as being together how we are currently, but giving the state permission to be in our relationship. However, now that she’s pregnant, I’ve been more open to it just because I know how much it means to her.
So, we’ve started this process and I’m slowly realizing that I may have bitten off more than I want to chew. While me and my girlfriend love each other very much and are compatible in pretty much every way. Our ideas about marriage, the wedding, ect seem to be a little different.
For starters, for the wedding I was thinking we each pick some of our closest people (maybe 10 or so each idk the number can be a little flexible) and go get married on an island/beach, stay for a week or 2, or something cool like that, so we can have fun and enjoy it.
She pretty much wants the exact opposite… ect massive wedding in a big venue. Now I don’t see anything wrong with that type of wedding, it just seems like such a colossal waste of resources to invite every person we know when we could instead have fun for a week or 2 then get married on the beach with our closest people.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be the beach (I’m flexible), but I think you get the idea I’m going for vs the idea she’s going for are completely 2 different schools of thought.
She basically wants to invite every single person she knows like I’ve looked at her list and she’s got friends she hasn’t seen in years, third cousins, literally everyone. To me, if I’m gonna spend a boatload of money, we should do it for ourselves, not people we barely know.
We’ve been talking about compromises and making slow progress on that end, but we were getting there. She knew prior to getting married I would require a prenup. I make about 4x her salary and own property and plan to acquire more.
I had my lawyer draft up a prenup and she has her own lawyer reviewing it. This is where we came to an impasse. Her lawyer believed the prenup was unfair and we’ve been going back and forth making changes.
I’ve made some concessions, but I’m kind of at a point where I don’t want to make anymore. While I admit, the prenup is definitely ironclad, I think it’s fair considering the situation. I’m taking all the risk, why would I continue to concede on things me and my lawyer both believe are fair?
So, recently we got into a minor argument over wedding stuff in general regarding the prenup/wedding and I was just like maybe we should just keep things how they are? Of course, she flipped.
We’ve cooled down since, and she says she still wants to make this happen, but that I need to be more open to compromise. I feel like given the situation, I’ve compromised more than I already should have.
I talked to my brother about it and he told me I’ve compromised more than enough and to hold firm and worst case, you stay gf/bf, which is realistically probably better anyways. My sister disagrees and says I’m being a jerk for not working with her more.
The way I see it, why would I risk everything I’ve worked for when I’m not even getting the wedding I want nor the financial protection I want, just so I can say I’m married? There’s just very few tangible benefits I’d be getting in relation to the risk. So, AITA?
Edit: ok I feel like I made her look bad in the original post. The price of the wedding isn’t the problem. The cost of the wedding I want vs what I want are damn near the same amount. It’s just the things we want to use that amount for.
I don’t think she’s maliciously going after me and I do see her as the person I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We were planning on moving in together regardless. However like I mentioned, prenup is ironclad. I’m not gonna go into the details of the prenup for obvious reasons, but I will say it probably favors me.
The language she wants in the prenup leaves more interpretation to judge, it’s nothing necessarily crazy and from my understanding somewhat common in prenups vs the language I want is very precise with things I have specifically outlined regardless of the circumstance.
She wouldn’t be screwed or anything and would still probably be doing better financially speaking than she is now, (she already does ok for herself) but the prenup is about as strong as it can while still being reliably enforceable.
And another thing I want to make clear. It’s not that I don’t wanna get married. The idea of marriage and being married to someone you love is cool. I’m not against it like I may have made it sound.
If anything, I may be the paranoid one. My parents are divorced, both my brothers got divorced, my cousins ect. I just know how we feel now about each other may not be the case forever as sad as that may be.
In the case, that something I happens I don’t want to give up a large portion of my assets. I would always support the kid and make sure he/she needs. It’s my child. This isn’t a problem with the relationship. If we don’t get married, we’ll stay together and raise the kid. It’s not totally unexpected.
I was pulling out, but shit happens. We both acknowledged the risk of getting pregnant and were ok with the possibility. I never promised her marriage if that was the case. In fact, in the first year of dating I told her I didn’t plan on getting married at all back when we weren’t that serious.
I say all this to say this isn’t something that Ive been expecting and she had never made this much of a fuss about getting married before now. Another thing I noticed a lot of comments are assuming she would be pregnant at the wedding.
We would wait till after the birth. When I said she doesn’t want to have a baby out of wedlock, I didn’t mean it that literate. Like if we got married a couple months/year after, it wouldn’t be a big deal to her. My mistake.
We are in the process of moving in together and are going to raise the baby together regardless of the outcome of this dispute. Now I know this is where a bunch of people call me naive, but this possibility has already been discussed.
We do not have any intention of raising in the baby in a dual household and if we did I would have no problem paying child support. More details about the prenup. Yes, it’s ironclad but it’s not unfair.
To answer some of the questions people are asking, yes it guarantees she will have a place to live if we were to get a divorce and she is guaranteed alimony for a certain period as well.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Eve-3
The stupidest thing you can do is get married if you don't want to.
No_Individual_672
The stupidest was OP saying “I was pulling out, but shit happens”.
Dapper-Guest-5161
It’s impossible to say who’s T A without information on the prenup and relationship dynamic. A good prenup should protect the interests of both parties.
aboveyardley
Keep going with the pull-out method and the baby will have a sibling in a year or two.
Successful_Moment_91
There’s a name for people who use this method: they’re called Parents.
NewDriverStew
"Her lawyer believed the prenup was unfair and we’ve been going back and forth making changes. I’ve made some concessions, but I’m kind of at a point where I don’t want to make anymore. While I admit, the prenup is definitely ironclad, I think it’s fair considering the situation."
You all can sign a prenup but if a judge agrees that it's unfair while you two are splitting up you'll very quickly find out just how un-ironclad they are. Prenups get tossed out alllllll the time.
A little under four months later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: Wedding postponed due to prenup disagreement"
prethrowaway9
So, my last post ended up getting way more attention than I anticipated and a lot of you guys dm’ed me with advice and asking for an update. Thanks to everyone who reached out with advice.
A couple of your stories and pieces of advice are what ended up helping me stand firm on the decision. I tried to respond to some of you, but apologies if i didn’t get to you. Also, not sure about the rules about updates so if this isn’t allowed, sorry mods just delete it.
First, I’ll answer some of the common questions I saw throughout the thread. I realized if I don’t specify something everyone will just fill in the blanks themselves, which I guess I can’t be too mad at.
Yes, we are both aware of what birth control is and how to use it. For the first 2 years of our relationship, she was on the pill, but told me she wanted to get off of it because it was messing with her hormones. She said I could use condoms if I wanted too, but that didn’t last for too long. We both knew and accepted this could potentially happen.
Yes, I said she doesn’t live with me, but I should have provided more context. Yes, she doesn’t technically live with me but she primarily stays at my place. She has her own apartment, but sleeps at my place minimum 4-5 nights a week. Sometimes even more. Most of her clothes are over here, the food she makes is over here ect. I think you get my point.
For everyone that keeps saying I was controlling about children, she’s had the option for that the entire time. I’ve made that clear to her the whole time. She is choosing this. We live in California, so it’s not like it’s illegal or anything. When she asked my opinion, I told her I preferred she keep it, but if she didn't want to, I would get support her decision regardless. She chose to keep it.
I think those were peoples' main questions, so onto the update. We ended up having a discussion about the whole marriage thing where we both were able to get our opinions/concerns out there. Just me and her, no lawyers, no anything.
It was really helpful because it let both of us get our concerns out there. We ended up agreeing that the whole marriage / prenup situation was too stressful right now while we were dealing with so many things.
Pregnancy, moving in, ect. So, we agreed that we would focus on the baby and pend the marriage conversation for now. I agreed I would be open to discussing it again in a couple years once everything has settled down and she ended up being satisfied with that.
That was last week and, as of a couple days ago, we finished moving the rest of her stuff to my place. Her lease ends at the end of this month and all that is left in the apartment is some furniture she plans to give to her family.
And since this is my last post about this situation I’ll provide some clarity about why I didn’t want to compromise any further on the prenup. The language that my lawyer and I chose to use was very definitive about what would happen in the event of a divorce. On the other hand, hers was not.
Again, still not going into details but I’ll say what my lawyer told me. He basically said that if I were to concede the language any further, he could no longer give me a guarantee on what I stand to lose.
He said at that point, I would pretty much be at the mercy of the judges interpretation meaning anything could happen especially considering the fact that we live in CA.
For me, that would defeat the entire purpose of the prenup, which is why I wasn’t willing to concede on it. I actually was willing to concede on the actual wedding plans, but I just couldn’t imagine letting a court system that is historically pretty unfair to men have the final say over my assets.
I assured my girlfriend that in the event that we separated, I would make sure she was still taken care of which made her feel better about the whole situation as well. I don’t think my problem was necessarily the commitment to her.
It was more the fact that someone else would have the final say over everything in the scenario where things go wrong vs myself having the final say, which as many of you pointed out, means I’m just not ready for marriage.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update from the OP:
Drunkendonkeytail
Sure. Okay. So long as you understand what your stance will engender. Your GF/baby mama will understand that she is largely on her own. Certainly if she has any sense she will understand that she must be very prudent with her finances.
This means that she needs to work continuously to protect herself. I do hope that you’ve considered what lump sum to transfer to gf to reimburse her for the career hit this pregnancy will cause (due to diminished energy, having to take on less challenging assignments, distrust by superiors).
If the baby is born with special needs she knows that she cannot be the one to sacrifice her work to take them to medical care. Despite it being the most healthy option, this baby cannot be breastfed since the time and energy would eat away at gf’s work energies,unless you plan to reimburse her.
You need to prepare to be the parent who stays home whenever the child is ill. You need to prepare to attend the various appointments, meetings, school events, play dates, shop for the birthday presents, throw the parties. Your gf cannot afford to jeopardize her financial security since her resources are less than yours.
Men feel they’ve been screwed by women out to take their money. I just don’t think they’ve calculated all the innumerable small financial hits those “opportunistic women” took during the course of rearing their children. Certainly, if no children or joint efforts to build a business are involved then you support you, I support myself is perfectly equitable.
LadyLazarus2021
Yes!!! The times I’ve had to leave work, get kids to doctors, stay home … Of course no prenup. No wonder women don’t want kids. I don’t have a prenuptial. I am not against them but they have to be fair.
Witty_Jackfruit6777
YTA and she’s dumb. And in for a wake up call in a few years. Oh, you’re going to make sure she’s taken care of if you separate? Sure, everyone says that in the beginning. Good luck to her.
Latter-Cost-1331
You will take care of her but you won’t put it in the prenup. Lol.
DeepFudge9235
NTA, especially if you are in a one sided relationship in terms of assets before marriage. Since almost 50% marriages end in divorce it makes sense to keep what you had before marriage separate in the event of a divorce. Create a new savings/ checking for joint stuff.
AffectionateWheel386
Let’s see how generous you are when the baby cries all night you’re not having sex for a few months and you’re completely stressed out. The whole entire purpose of the prenup is so that in this case she’s protected. As she gives up her career for a little while she gives up her body.
She incubates a baby for nine months, and really is most of the caregiver for the beginning of this. I’m all for prenups. In fact, I would, rather you guys got married, and had a prenup and put it to bed. As opposed to what’s possibly going to happen to her now.
People promised things all the time and then break those promises some 20-year-old girl comes along and thinks you’re the bees knees your girl isn’t sleeping with you cause she had a baby goodness knows what could happen. This platform is full of stories that end badly like that but good luck to you and congratulations on the baby.