Sister boycotts brother's wedding; 'you're ignoring me;' readers call her a selfish brat.
"AITA for not attending brother’s wedding"
Fantastic_Break3235
I (27F) was asked to be in my brother’s (30M) wedding last year. He and his fiancée said I could wear a tuxedo and I agreed. A month after they got engaged (January), they’d booked a venue for November. My sister told me the bridesmaids were looking at dresses, so I asked about my tux and they didn’t respond at all.
In March, she went back to America to pick out her dress, sent me photos, and started talking about the tux again. I’m NC with my mother, father, and oldest brother so I asked if I could bring a plus one.
After about 30 minutes, I told her that her silence spoke volumes and obviously it was a no to the plus one, but at least answer me about the tux. She said that she didn’t respond bc she was driving to Men’s Wearhouse and she never saw the previous messages bc her notifications don’t go through on Discord.
We don’t talk on any other platforms bc she says she can’t text in Europe. They both asked me to use Messenger or What’s App, but I refuse bc of the privacy issues. So Discord it is. I patiently explained to her how to turn on her notifications and check server messages.
She said yes to the plus one and told me that she hadn’t started with tuxes yet because apparently she can’t access Men’s Wearhouse abroad. I told her that this is exactly why I was trying to have this conversation early on:
I’m a large breasted woman who can’t just order a tux from anywhere (she says she didn’t know this so I sent her about 5 different articles explaining this) and I suffer from gender dysmorphia. Plus, it takes time for a custom tux.
She made more excuses - none of the bridesmaids had bought anything and she wasn’t making final decisions until her dress was picked out. Anyway, she asked if I still wanted to wear a tux or if I wanted to be in a dress. I said yes to the tux so we picked one out together. I planned to purchase in July.
Later, I started a new chat and explained to them again how notifications worked. She said that she doesn’t like how I spoke to them and that I needed to have some grace when she was planning a wedding from abroad, finishing a Ph.D., and my brother was going through cancer treatment.
Eventually, she told me it was best that I not be in the wedding and to just come as a guest since it’s “just causing more issues”. I accidentally blocked her, but then unblocked her a minute later, but instead of speaking to me like an adult, she deleted her Discord account.
My brother didn’t stand up for me when she went off on me AND he put me in the same group chat as our brother (the one I’m NC with), his best man. All I asked was that they keep my mother away from me during the wedding and allow me to have a support system since I’d be surrounded by the three people I’m NC with.
And I don't want them to treat me like the token lesbian they can just show off at their wedding. I have bent over backwards to be accommodating. When I told my brother I wasn’t coming to their wedding, he yelled at me. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
coastalkid92
YTA. It sounds like you're not reading the room very well and looking at bigger picture here. I can appreciate that you wanted to get the tux sorted, but if you're using a texting platform that people aren't super familiar with and expecting prompt replies, you're going to be SOL.
It also sounds like your FSIL was trying to keep you in the loop as best she could about what would be happening and in what order, as well as everything that was on her plate as a priority. You honestly sound exhausting.
cat-lover76
If you're using a texting platform that people aren't super familiar with and expecting prompt replies, you're going to be SOL. I don't use Discord at all because I had to turn off e-mail notifications for a while and then found out that they cannot be turned back on. Discord is also a huge, huge amount of work if you need to selectively mute channels/chats.
I've got a life and other things I need to do, and there is just no way I was willing to devote that sort of time and effort to something that I don't actually need and which I find so hugely disruptive and annoying to begin with.
I didn't want to use Messenger or WhatsApp either, but I ended up installing the former a couple of years ago, and the latter a couple of months ago, because they're both much better than Discord and it is important to me to maintain contact with the family members I love who are in other countries.
OP, you need to make some value decisions here, instead of just demanding that everyone do things your way. And OMG, being upset because someone doesn't respond within 30 minutes??? OP, you need to get over this expectation, because it is absolutely undreasonable.
I get the youngsters who have grown up on modern messaging systems having such an unjustified sense of entitlement -- but OP, you are old enough to know better than to demand and expect instant responses.
"I have bent over backwards to be accommodating."
No, OP, you did exactly the opposite. Based on your post, you've done nothing but constantly make demands, and have not been accommodating about anything.
DogsReadingBooks
YTA. Oh my gosh. You went off because you didn’t get a reply in 30 minutes? What the heck is that? 30 minutes is nothing. She could’ve been taking a giant shit, for all you knew. Or a shower. Or anything. You get mad having to wait for 30 minutes? Jesus.
And then she explains she doesn’t get notifications on discord. I totally get her. I also don’t get notifications from there. I don’t want to. But you get mad when you’re the one that’s difficult to reach. You’re the one who refuses messenger etc. You have to live with the fact that you’re the one being difficult.
finlay_mignon
YTA. Transmasc here, so I get what you mean about the tux because I myself just had one done last year for my aunt's wedding, but the way you just went about this is not it. It doesn't sound like you were very "accommodating" either, what with your refusal of a more convenient mode of communication with your FSIL.
You were also impatient about those replies, and if you were going to demand it get done earlier because yeah, custom tuxes are hard, we get it, but do it yourself at this point. Going as a guest probably would have worked out better, that way you could have attended if you still actually wanted to before these problems, and you could have worn something you actually liked.
I mean this in the nicest way possible but you actually were causing trouble for wedding planning, and wedding planning is hard enough as it is, let alone planning it from outside the country. You could have been a bit more empathetic going about this.
Cannabis-aficionado
YTA and one with a huge victim complex. The audacity you have to to be in your feels over a suit while your brother goes through cancer treatment is astounding. You say you "accidentally" blocked them. Does any involved in the chat believe that?
Or is that more of the same from everyone's favorite victim? Then you tell them to speak to you like an adult while you've acted like a child throughout the process. Do them all a favor and go NC with the rest of the people who for whatever reason still speak to you.