"My parents won’t attend my wedding."
My parents won't attend my wedding, and here's why: SHORT STORY: At 24(f), I find myself in a heartbreaking situation – my parents won't be at my wedding. The reason? I refused to invite their friends, (I’ll call them the Scotts,) who made my life a living hell during the year I lived in their guest house.
From false accusations to disrespecting my fiancé, things reached a breaking point. Fast forward to wedding planning, and the Scotts became a point of contention. When I stood firm on not inviting them, it led to a family fallout. Despite my attempts to mend things, my parents are boycotting the wedding.
LONG STORY: In 2021, fresh out of college, I moved to a new state for a job. Facing high rent, the Scotts, family friends of my parents, offered me their guest house for a mere $300 a month. Little did I know, this seemingly sweet deal would lead to a year of turmoil.
The Scotts, long-time friends and business partners of my parents, had three kids. As soon as I settled in, the Scott’s became excessively involved in my personal life, particularly my relationship.
The situation took a dark turn as they fabricated scenarios to my parents, accusing me of promiscuity, rarely being home, and even planning to secretly move in with my boyfriend. Their disdain for my boyfriend was palpable – treating him with passive-aggression, condescension, and even making derogatory comments about him being adopted.
The interference escalated with "family meetings" where they labeled me as a poor influence on their teenage daughter, criticizing my boyfriend (whom they had met only three times). And I have to add, my bf and I don’t drink or smoke and both have careers - my bf is a perfectly good man and was always respectful to them despite their poor treatment.
The "dad" of the Scott family went to the extent of sharing his marriage problems and lack of a love life, blurring the boundaries of landlord-tenant/inappropriate relationships.
The breaking point came when the fridge in the guest house broke, and they insisted I foot the bill for a $900 replacement. Their influence over my parents was significant, as my parents rarely had my back and sided with the Scotts, constantly belittling my boyfriend without reason.
By the end of 2022, I decided to move out with some girlfriends of mine, leaving without saying goodbye to avoid further confrontation. Fast forward to the summer of 2023, my boyfriend and I were living together in a new state, and he proposed.
To my surprise, when he asked my parents for their blessings, they were supportive and enthusiastic. My parents were even flown out to witness our engagement.
As we delved into wedding planning in the fall of 2023, my fiancé's parents generously offered to finance the wedding. Strangely, my mother declined involvement in the planning, claiming she hated it.
Despite repeated invitations from myself and my future mother-in-law, she insisted we handle everything on our own, a departure from the typical involvement of the mother of the bride. My MIL did fly my mom out to NY for wedding dress shopping which was fun, but my mother insisted on the trip that this was all she wanted to do.
Winter 2023 brought a text from my dad, urging me to invite the Scotts. I respectfully declined, citing the distress it would cause me on our special day. This refusal triggered a nuclear war within the family.
My parents, adamant about the Scotts' inclusion, declared they wouldn't attend the wedding. My dad accused me of starting my happy life by destroying his, and my mother uninvited me to Christmas.
In attempts to salvage the situation, I apologized and tried to explain my decision. However, my parents were unreceptive, hurling insults and baseless accusations claiming my side of the family has been “cancelled”. My mother then flipped the scripted and threatened to expose details on social media of my disrespect to the family if I didn’t show up for Christmas.
Despite exchanging Christmas and birthday greetings via text, I’ve not spoken to them about the situation. The pain of their absence and the harsh words lingers as I approach my wedding day. I’m confused, I’m guilty, I’m in pain. The fallout, all because I refused to invite the Scotts.
EDIT: we are having a destination wedding and the festivities will begin 3 days prior to the wedding. So if caved in and invited the Scotts, I would have to endure up to 4 days of them.
I don’t want to walk around the resort and turn around and have to see them and instantly get into a bad mood. Also, I am afraid if my parents decide to show up without the Scott’s that they will cause drama. ;(
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Silent-Basis7870
Girl, drop the rope, marry the guy and live happily ever after without these terrible people from who you got your DNA. Narc will do anything for an outsider at the expense of their family. They've shown you who they are, they suck.
SecretaryDazzling246
200%. It is important to keep up appearances with the Scott’s. Nothing else matters but their reputation with these people. Drop that rope!
greedprincess OP:
I forgot to add in that my mother went on a rant about how my future MIL and I purposefully cut her out of any wedding planning participation and that we manipulated her.
butterfly-garden
Really, Sweetie, this is your wedding gift, and you won't get a nicer one. Your wedding will be stress-free because your lousy parents and their wretched friends won't be there to cause any drama. You and your husband are now free to live your best lives. Blessings going forward!
NormalBerryButt
It seems like the Scott's are still meddling as well. You shouldn't feel guilty after they tried to control and lie to your family. That's insane! I hope they see them for what they are.
11 days later, the OP returned with an update:
Context from my original post: At 24(f), I find myself in a heartbreaking situation – my parents won't be at my wedding. The reason? I refused to invite their friends.
Update: I woke up this morning to a bunch of texts from my mother. She demanded that i end my engagement, cancel the wedding, quit my job, and move back to their home.
She started saying things like “I know you’re unhappy. It’s okay, you tried. Now it’s time to come home. You have some maturing you need to do.” This irks me so much.
My parents literally gave their blessings for my marriage 6 months ago. Now they want me to change my entire life because they’re mad they didn’t get their way. I responded and said this is my life and if they don’t want to respect my decisions, that’s on them. But I am in utter shock. I am financially independent of my family…I have a great job, loving partner. How do parents come up with this nonsense?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update from the OP:
WarehouseEmpty
Personally, I think I’m at the point in life where I would reply. Thank you for the perspective, you’re right, I am unhappy, and I have tried. I really thought you had the potential to be better parents but I guess not. I do not see how moving back in with you, the problem, would fix anything except cause me even more distress.
Thank you for the insight and I’m sorry that you won’t be at my wedding, but actually it’s probably for the best, you are causing me the most unhappiness right now and I am done trying to please you, I know after trying that it is a futile endeavour. Partner and I will have a great time celebrating with people who chose to support us and love us unconditionally. Good night.
TurbulentError4
Narcissists often have a strong need for control and validation. When they perceive a loss of control or if things don't go their way, they may react with manipulation, guilt-tripping, or attempting to assert dominance.
In this case, your mother's demands may stem from a desire to control your life choices and maintain a sense of authority. It's essential to establish and maintain boundaries for your well-being.
knittedjedi
"Update: I woke up this morning to a bunch of texts from my mother. She demanded that i end my engagement, cancel the wedding, quit my job, and move back to their home." Do none of these parents have hobbies?
opositeOpposum
They do, its called controlling their children to their graves :D mfs will live to 110 just to be sure they can bury their children, or at least drain the offspring of their money because they won't go to a retirement home. "I changed your diapers you will change MINE!"
istara
Waiting for the plot twist where OP's parents are in some kind of polygamous ménage with the Scotts.
CharlotteLucasOP
With the way Mr Scott overshared about his troubled marriage and lack of a sex life I wonder if OP’s parents cut a “deal” with Mr. Scott for exclusive, uhhhh rights to their daughter…
CharlotteLucasOP
Did OP’s parents secretly sell her to Mr. Scott? All the control and creepy vibes and attempts to break up her relationship and keep her at the house and under their eyes…
About 2 months later OP came back with this update:
Long story: Three months have passed since my parents declined attending my wedding. Initially, I found peace in acceptance, looking forward to celebrating with those who would be present and knowing my parents wouldn't be there to ruin it.
However, a text from my younger brother (19M) shattered that peace, revealing that our parents threatened to kick him out of the house and abandon him financially if he attends my wedding. This utterly crushed me, I am so close with my brothers and I love them DEARLY.
I have three brothers aged, 19, 22, and 27. While my older brother lives independently, my two younger siblings still live with our parents. Despite my parents decision to not come to the wedding, I told my brothers how badly I want them to attend, assuring them of my support. After their shared support, I booked their travel, optimistic about their participation.
I was naive to believe our parents would accept this decision. Their subsequent outburst targeted my brothers, leveraging financial threats to dissuade them from attending, claiming they are betraying the family by supporting me. I offered to financially assist my brothers if they still want to attend knowing they’d get kicked out, but I realize the difficulty of abandoning familiarity.
In response to this outburst, my brothers called me & proposed an intervention, aiming to address broader familial issues, aka the bigger picture of my parents being a^%$#ve.
I tried my best to explain this was a BAD idea…I pleaded. Despite my reservations, I supported them via phone call, I felt I was bound by sibling loyalty.
Yesterday's call confirmed my fears. Amidst vile accusations, I endured personal attacks, ranging from insults against my fiancé to baseless critiques of our life choices. My father's tirade, marked by verbal a^%$e, culminated in a cruel dismissal of my feelings.
Here are a few notes I took during the 2 hour “intervention:
1. My fiancé is not an intellectual because he likes to snowboard and doesn’t know how to have intellectual conversations.
2. My fiancé doesn’t have royal or noble blood and therefore cannot have intelligent children.
3. It was rude for my fiancé to not bring flowers or wine when he flew from another state for the day to ask for my hand in marriage.
4. My decision to change my job and move to a new state with my fiancé is a manipulation tactic.
5. My dad said calling people names and insults is the right thing to do when you’re mad.
6. My dad said by my decision to change my career path is stupid and I am cutting him out of his life.
7. Thinks my fiancé’s job as a salesman makes him a loser.
8. My parents are mad I never offered to invite my uncle that I haven’t seen in 13 years who lives in Russia. (literal WTF moment for me).
9. My dad says my relationship is wrong, and he’s not happy about it. Says it would be smart to break up.
10. My dad says he regrets not punching my fiancé in the face when he asked for his blessings and says it will haunt him for the rest of his life that he didn’t punch him. Says the only reason he gave his blessings was to not hurt my feelings.
11. Says my fiancé’s parents are mean for not responding to their texts.
12. Called my fiancé’s mom a b%*&^.
13. Said everyone at my engagement party is unintellectual and a redneck, and that they were shocked at the crowd I’ve decided to live around.
14. The last minute of the call consisted of my dad screaming at the top of his lungs that I am stupid, an idiot, dumb, and a b^@#$. (I started hysterically crying at this point, I felt like a little girl again).
15. He called me a liar when I explained all the horrible things his friends did to me and why I didn't want to invite them to the wedding. He even called me a liar when I explained that his friend(70m) would try to talk about his sex life with me. :(
16. Crying I explained to my dad: “I just wish you cared about my feelings too because I am also really hurt and just want you to understand my perspective.” He said…”Why the f*$% should I care about your feelings? You don’t respect me, my friends, or my values. F&%$ your feelings you stupid b%$%^.” I ended the call right there.
After the call my brothers said they will still be attending my wedding because this has become an issue of standing up to my fathers unacceptable behavior.
Despite my brothers' attempts at defense, we were OUTMATCHED by our father's narcissism.
Enduring the call was agonizing, yet crucial for my siblings to witness his true nature.
Gaslit and invalidated, I
feltFEEL so dehumanized. I never thought I would someday block my parents. Today marks day 1 of going no contact.
About a month and a half later OP came back with this update:
I got married on Friday, a day filled with joy, yet marked by the absence of my parents and two of my brothers. I made the decision to cut off contact with my parents last month, a choice that has since been affirmed, as you'll soon understand...
Despite the absence of my two younger brothers, my older brother stood by me, walking me down the aisle. This unexpected turn of events brought us closer than ever, a silver lining among all the drama and heartbreak.
My wedding day was pure magic—absolutely no drama or stress. It was truly the best day of my life and I have never felt so much love for my husband!!! My husband literally makes all my anxiety disappear!
Of course, there were fleeting moments of vulnerability, tears shed in private to my husband as emotions overwhelmed me. Yet, despite the ache of my brothers' absence and lapses of guilt over my parents, the week was nothing short of perfection. I am truly blessed!!!
The day after the ceremony, over breakfast with my husband and older brother, I learned that my parents had been incessantly trying to reach out to my brother. My bro and husband shielded this information from me to not upset me during the week. However, my curiosity got the better of me, and I insisted on asking my brother to see what my parents said to him.
What I read shook me to the core.
My brother texted, “She will never forgive you for this and our entire family will never be the same.”
Her response: “Forgive us? She betrayed the family! She has gone completely insane. This sinister family has completely changed her values and they have been grooming her for 3 years. She is making a huge mistake by marrying. Glad you guys are so close again.” (*sinister family being my in laws)
My mother's venomous words confirmed what I had been grappling with: their belief in their distorted reality. The guilt I had been carrying evaporated in an instant. I realized that my overwhelming happiness with my husband would never be enough for them. I refuse to be held hostage by their misery any longer. You cannot change someone who just wants to be f&^$%^g miserable for the rest of their lives.
Here’s where things become laughable…I blocked The Scott’s wife on Instagram so she wouldn’t see my wedding photos. Mr. Scott in response sent a giant text accusing me of being abusive to his wife and children, despite not having seen or spoken to them in over a year.
He then said that he will no longer support me and if I get a divorce, he won’t be there for me. I promptly blocked him, refusing to entertain such a stupid message. (PS I thought he was blocked already)
I am excited to start this new chapter in my life and I am thankful for the support and courage this community has given me. Here's to a future free from the toxic grip of my past!!!