OP banned from siblings' weddings; 'they've made it clear they never wanted me.' + Update
"My family wouldn't let me attend my siblings weddings so now I will cut contact with them."
Scared_Search_9029
I think it would be easy to mention that I was never the family's favorite. I know there's a stereotype that the youngest sibling gets the most affection from the parents. Maybe it only applies to my family, but that's a complete lie. And I also know why my family treats me like that. They make no secret of it.
I wasn't a wanted child for the simple reason that my parents only wanted a boy and a girl. So two children and no more. The fact that I was then born as a second son didn't fit into their family's predetermined picture. For this reason, I was always ignored at birthdays.
I wasn't even allowed to be in family photos because they wanted to give the impression that their picture-book family was the way they had imagined it. They never let go of this image.
And just as an aside, compared to my siblings, my parents punished me much more severely for little things. My sister once stole money and was grounded for a week, while I was beaten up for leaving my room at night.
I put up with it over the years because even though my parents didn't really pay attention to me, I always had a good relationship with my siblings. When my eldest brother got married a few years ago, I was still a minor and even though I was offended, I wasn't allowed to attend the wedding on the grounds that it would be a child-free wedding.
I was 15 at the time and no doubt there would have been no reason not to let me attend. Even though I was hurt that I was the only one not allowed to attend, I accepted it. I'm now 19 and my sister wants to get married.
She gave birth to a daughter last fall and she and her partner wanted to get married. I was really looking forward to the wedding and bought myself a nice suit. At some point, however, I received a message from my sister that I couldn't come to the wedding because they also wanted to have a child-free wedding and they needed someone to look after their daughter, my niece.
I knew that wasn't true as they had a babysitter. Said babysitter was a friend of hers who wanted to earn some extra money while she studied. When I pointed this out to her, she explained that the babysitter didn't have time because she had to study.
Which was also a lie, by the way, as I had previously sent the babysitter a friend request on Facebook and she even wrote a post on the day of the wedding saying that she was enjoying her day off. I asked her if she had anyone else who could look after the child as I really wanted to be there after missing my brother's wedding.
Suddenly she got angry and told me I was being selfish and if I was a good brother I would say yes without argument and if I didn't say yes I wouldn't be allowed to come to the wedding under any circumstances.
It felt like a punch in the stomach. I couldn't understand why she didn't want me at the wedding. In the end I agreed, but still contacted my parents again. They also told me not to be so selfish, as the day wasn't about me and my sister was deciding the guest list anyway.
Then I also realized for the first time that my attendance was never planned from the beginning because I was the only one who didn't get an invitation. Yesterday was the wedding and I cried when I saw all the photos posted in the WhatsApp family group. Everyone had a great time.
Even when my sister dropped her daughter off at my place and I wanted to give her my wedding present, she didn't even give me a glance. She didn't even say thank you. Neither for the present nor for babysitting.
I want out of this family. I love them but I can't stand being treated like this any longer. I'm about to be promoted at my home office job and when that happens I'm going to move far away and break off contact. They'll have the image of their perfect family back that I ruined and I'll have my peace. A win-win situation for both sides.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Tom_A_F
Just keep looking forward to the day you'll be rid of them and never look back. Maybe change your last name, too.
The OP saw this and asked:
Scared_Search_9029
I thought about that. Do you think I should leave a message?
The reader responded:
Tom_A_F
Nope.
Comments continued:
jospangel
That family is not perfect in any way. You are not the problem, you are the scapegoat. Been there and it sucks.
KeaAware
Fly and be free, friend. Leave them behind. And don't let them back into your life when things become awesome (you deserve awesome).
AlannaAdvice
It’s depressing that you agreed to do it. Not receiving an invite should have told you everything. I would have told your sister to get lost and not done it.
I realize that you have probably been beaten down mentally by your family for years so maybe you think the way they treat you is normal. It’s not. It’s as far from a normal, loving and supporting family as you can get.
My advice is to get therapy so you can break away from this awful cycle and realize your own self worth. I do hope you move away and cut contact. I’d be petty and not say a word. Just ghost them bc it will drive them crazy. Good luck to you friend ? I hope you find your real family wherever you end up ?
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: My family wouldn't let me attend my siblings weddings so now I will cut contact with them."
Scared_Search_9029
I didn't plan to make an update but so many people asked me to so here we are. My original post is now three days old and a few things happened in that time span. Lets start by saying that I followed your advice.
I contacted the local police and told them about the situation just in case anyone was looking for me. One day after I posted it I packed my things and drove to a friend of mine who lives far away.
I haven't seen him in a while but he agreed to let me stay with him until I have an apartment. And before you ask, I decided not to wait for my promotion. I wanted to get out of there immediately.
That's when I started to read all of your comments. Thank you for your support. I appreciate it. Apparently my story made it to TikTok as well. But you probably wanna know whats up with my family right now. Well I blocked their numbers.
Even though you guys told me not to leave a message I left one but not the way you think. My family has a spare key for my apartment. If for some reason they care enough to check on me they find a message in my apartment. I wrote this because I wanted to tell them everything I felt and let them know about their wrongdoings towards me.
And to my surprise my friend got a call from my mom yesterday. I don't know if she found the message or just noticed that I was gone like that. But I assume she did. She said she was worrying about me and that she had called everyone of my friends because she wanted to know where I was and if he knew where I am.
He lied to her and told her he didn't know and then she hung up. While some could see this as an effort I know my mum better than anyone else. She is not worried about me. She is worried about her own image and how people would react if they saw how she failed as a parent.
However she was the only one who I know tried to reach out so far. To be fair I blocked their numbers so I'm not saying its entirely impossible they tried but still. My friends mom had invited me for dinner this Sunday.
His family was always very welcoming towards me and I'm just glad I'm not alone. I would also be lying if i said this situation left me cold because the truth is that i cried for most of the first two nights. I want to leave all of this behind me and start a new life. Thank you for your support. If anything essential happens I will try to update you.
EDIT: Because so many people are confused I'm gonna mention this once. I reposted a story similar to mine to the Two Hot Takes subreddit eight months ago. This story in particular however is NOT mine. Like i said its just a repost. This right here is MY story. The other one isn't.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
Bonnm42
Personally, if it was me, and I knew my Mother only cared about her image. I would blow them up on social media. They spent years hurting you because of their “image.” I am glad you got away though. Your family sounds horrible.
Mytuucents8819
With parents like these… who needs enemies!!! I’m so glad OP cut contact. OP deserves better than shit parents! As a mum… this triggers me! I cannot imagine dismissing any child of mine.
TabithaMorning
First of all sorry you’re dealing with this. I know I don’t know you but I just read both posts and I just want to say that I’m proud of you. I also grew up the youngest of three - the unwanted one - in an abusive home, and while I left that home as soon as I was able I didn’t cut contact til I was 30.
So I think it’s commendable that you’ve taken these steps to stand up for yourself and remove yourself from their harm. My mother is similarly defensive of her image, and when you said she’d called your friends I understood that as PR so all your friends can hear her “worrying” about you.
Some posters have suggested blowing them up on social media but my advice is to just let go and keep moving forward. With the caveat that it will be tremendously difficult. It’s hard to know the long lasting effects of neglect and abuse, but it can obviously make you angry, upset and affect your self worth.
It sounds like you know it’s not your fault, and that’s great, but losing your family can still be traumatic and take time to heal. I know it’s annoying how everyone tells everyone to go to therapy but it will help.
What they did was wrong, hurtful and selfish. Your family’s treatment of you is not a reflection on your worth, and you deserve all the good things in life. Like a big lavish wedding they’re not invited to.
QueenMother81
Change your name and keep it moving. These people have proven not to be your family.