Woman refuses to invite siblings to wedding after being annihilated at her sister's. + Update
"AITA for not inviting my siblings to my wedding?"
Choice_Evidence1983
My sister (34F) and her husband (36M) just got married 3 months ago. I (30F) was appointed MOH. I was so excited to help her plan her wedding and I took on most of the work since i was unemployed at the time and she's a doctor. I won't get into details but take note she didn't have a wedding planner. It was all me.
The time leading up to the wedding, I was miserable because of how my sister treated me. I felt like her own personal slave that she felt she could kick around because "she's the bride".
Just because you're a bride doesn't mean you get a free pass to be a beetch. Many times I wanted to just step out of the wedding party but i kept telling myself to just bite my tongue and keep the peace because she's probably just stressed.
After doing SO MUCH for her, she refused to invite my fiance even if we've been together for 12 years but invited my siblings' partners who have been around for only 2-3yrs. My sister and her guy dated for a year before they got engaged so we don't really know him too well.
She said she didn't want my fiance around because people would be asking about my own wedding since they've all been wanting us to get married for a while. I refused to do any more work for her wedding until she apologised to me and invited my fiance, which she did.
Not exactly sincerely but whatever. I was hurt she wasn't even grateful for anything that I had done for her and her dream wedding because it was EXPECTED OF ME to help. Cut to the day of the wedding and everything was fine. The ceremony was beautiful and the couple was happy. I was happy for my sister.
By the time we got to the reception venue, I noticed that my fiance and I were on a separate table from my family. They were at the vip table and I was cast aside to sit at the furthest table right beside the kitchen.
I figured there was a mistake and i calmly asked the bride about it since she handled the seating plan. She looked me dead in the eye and said there's no mistake, that's where we belong. At the kids table and far away. (We were seated with 7-14yr olds).
The groom overheard us and agreed with me but kept quiet when my sister gave him this 'don't you dare disagree with me' look. (At the end of the night, the groom apologised to my parents for what happened to me and said he had no clue his bride did that.
But he didn't say a word to me as his bride told him not to) Because of this, I decided to not make an issue and just try to enjoy the remainder of the night with my partner but I wouldn't make a MOH speech.
My parents noticed where I was and got upset at the situation as well. My siblings knew very well I wasn't at their table but didn't bother looking for me or wondering why I wasn't seated there.
When they heard I wasn't making a speech, my 2 brothers walked to my table to tell me off saying I had to understand my sister and the stress of being a bride, be nice to her because it's her special day and you're only a bride once.
Yeah right I bet they'll divorce, that I'm a disgrace and a disgusting disappointment for not doing a speech for my sister, that I would make my sister sad and I was being selfish making the night about me (when I was literally quiet in our corner).
Needless to say, I wasn't having the best time. So we got up and left. We ended up in McDonald's for dinner and I posted a story of us getting burgers saying "post wedding meal". I made sure I posted it after the reception ended to not make it look like I ditched but my siblings saw this as an attack to my sister somehow.
Up to this day, the bride says she did nothing wrong and her reasoning for putting me there was (1) I didn't plan her wedding exactly like she envisioned during the process so I deserved to sit there (when i was doing everything she told me she wanted), (2) she didn't like that I looked pretty in my gown and (3) I needed to be punished for insisting on bringing my fiance...
I didn't plan for my own wedding yet as I wanted to be 100% focused on hers (plus she banned me from getting married before her since she's older...again because i didn't want the drama, i agreed.)
But now I just don't want anyone there except my parents and a few close friends. My parents agree with me but my siblings are upset calling me childish but to be completely honest, I just don't feel like paying for shit people.
Mine is a destination wedding and my fiance and i are paying for everything. These are our savings and I don't feel like splurging on these people. They along with my grandparents and cousins are all saying i'm wrong. But hey if I was excluded from being a sibling at my sister's wedding and no one cared, then why would you be upset if I excluded you in return?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Junglerumble19
NTA. You can't choose your family but you can choose who you spend time with. Your sister, and your siblings are AH. The fact that an educated doctor can state that you 'need to be punished' and not realize how middle school she's being really shows her garbage person character.
She also outsourced the entire wedding planning to you - for free - and then thought it was OK to use you as a punching bag. Good for you for standing up to her about your fiance, what an absolutely ridiculous reason to exclude him (again how anyone with any basic self awareness can say these things is just beyond).
I personally would be going NC with all but your parents and then build your own family from friends who actually appreciate you and treat you with respect.
Educational-Split372
Yup. NTA. No contact is definitely something to consider. Your wedding is YOURS. Do it the way YOU want. Everyone else can suck eggs. They just want a reason to take advantage of you. Oh, your wedding, so you have pay for a dress for me, oh, and tux for so n so and don't forget the kids have to be included so they all need outfits...
P!ss on that. Take that destination wedding you want, bring the people you want, and be happy. Post beautiful pictures of your happy day and time. Then, go home to a happy life that limits the people who don't make you happy or cuts them out completely.
someperson717
NTA. Your sister was a megabeeech to you, and your siblings supported her acting horribly to you. You have the right to invite only people who you want to be at your wedding and that are supportive of you and your partner. Your siblings clearly don't meet this criteria.
A little over a month later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE"
Choice_Evidence1983
Hi again. So I'll answer a few questions and leave a quick update. I (30F) come from a family of 5 kids. I failed to mention this because I didn't think it was all that relevant but I actually have 2 sisters (34 and 32) and 2 brothers (26 and 22).
A little more on my sisters... they're the best of friends. They're the picture perfect model of sisterly love. While I'm the middle child with 2 younger brothers. So why did I agree to be MOH?
Well,because i thought it would bring us closer. In my mind, i believed that this was her trying to be more of a sister to me. You always hear stories of that sisterly bond around weddings and I tried to nurture that because that's what they had.
And that sibling bond is what my brothers had with each other as well. Any chance I'd get to connect with my sisters, I'd jump at the opportunity. Its more me just feeling left out than being a doormat.
I was a very sickly child and that is why I was mostly with just my parents growing up while my siblings would be going out, meeting friends, etc. Which is what my siblings envied apparently. They aren't close to my parents.
Bride had both of us as MOH because she "couldn't choose just 1". I later found out that i was always the second option and i was just appointed MOH so I'd do all the work while other MOH got all the praise. Which in hindsight, I should've seen coming.
While my brothers were busy harassing me about giving my MOH speech, sister 2 was giving her own MOH speech about how she absolutely loves the bride and will do anything for her, all that cr*p.
She then conveniently calls all the siblings to the stage to toast the bride and groom when I was crying and rushing out/walking away from my brothers. So to the other relatives in attendance, I was "making a scene" and "making it about me".
No, it's not the first time she hurt me, (fat shamed me as a child calling me a potato, saying things like i was a burden to the family because of my epilepsy, throwing all my make up in the sink and wetting it because i moved her bath towel in the bathroom.
Calling me the stupid low IQ sister even if I'm a licensed Architect with a masters degree when her guy friends wanted to ask for my number, taking my dream church from me which is why fiance said we could do a destination wedding at my dream country instead).
It's just the worst she's done to spite me in front of my entire family. And no, we still haven't spoken since then and she still maintains that I was the one who "ruined everything" by getting upset about the seating.
Now for the update. We will elope. Just us 2 and a handful of close friends that were there for us since the beginning of our relationship. We'll have a small church wedding and a little celebration on the beach with the people we love -our chosen family, followed by island hopping with our entire party around the Philippines!
All paid by us. Because I WILL spend on memories and experiences for people that love and appreciate us. The budget we set aside for a wedding in Italy will be put to an intimate 5 day wedding celebration on an island in the Philippines.
2. We will have our "reception" with the family when we get back home. The plan is to invite both our big families to a luncheon the weekend after. Collectively, this would mean about 80 guests max. Both our parents wanted to help pay for the engagement party and rehearsal dinner.
They agreed to pay for this luncheon/reception instead meaning they could invite whomever they please. They handle the guest list so if my siblings are invited, I couldn't care less because I'll be too busy with my husband of 1-2 weeks by then.
Here we can still have the father daughter dance and a few other things like cake slicing, etc. We'll have piñatas, a brick oven pizza cart, coffee and pretzels, and an amazing Italian buffet with a pasta bar, lots of fresh fruit and CHEESE (because who doesn't like cheese??)
As for seating plan, ever watched mama mia 1? Yup. Think that. A long winding table where my siblings can be as far away from me as possible, and as close to the service area as possible without it being obvious because they'll all be together at their own 'siblings table'.
We'll be in the center with my fiance, his 2 brothers and our parents will be next to us, while my wonderful siblings are by the end of the table, by the restrooms, where they belong. I don't care at all if they're invited to this lunch because I really have nothing left for them.
Not even anger. I'm just so done with them that I'd feel more for a stranger on the street than I would for these people. It's indifference. They've hurt me so many times that I'm numb to their existence.
3. No bridezilla allowed. My sister expects to be my MOH in return. Definitely not going to happen since my siblings won't be present in the ceremony. I do not need her around, I do not want her around.
Yes, she will be invited out of courtesy to the reception most likely but i will make sure she's set aside like i was. How so? We recently found out she's pregnant so I'm planning my wedding around her due date.
(OH WELL) luckily, she's due around June which really was the month we wanted. So if she does decide to attend with a newborn and her huz, well then, she's going to be at the kiddie table and told to step out when baby starts to cry.
In the end, our wedding day is for us. And eloping is the only way I feel like we could just sit and enjoy our special day together away from all my siblings and family issues. Then we get back, have a get together lunch with some good food and good fun. Which is really all it is to me - a lunch. Luckily, fiancé's fam isn't as insane as mine is.
So there you have it! Thank you all for your messages and comments and insights. I really was going a bit loco back then thinking I was overreacting but thank you so much for the clarity. Cheers to the end of this emotionally draining year! xx
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
knittedjedi
It's always fascinating how often weddings bring out the worst in absolutely everyone.
itsluxsky
Yeah this ain’t close to over. Brothers are gonna be mad for not being invited on trip and shit, sisters gonna be mad for not being MOH when “she did it for her” and other sister is gonna be mad bc original sister bridezilla is mad. Just cut the siblings off.
peter095837
I commend OP handling the situation pretty well. Keeping it simple and having a small wedding is a good option for no drama and all. OP's sister is a mega asshole and the siblings are just as bad as her.
I personally think cutting them off is a good choice cause wasting air with these people are useless. I do feel bad for the sister's husband cause he seems reasonable.
LoveAnimals735
That sounds perfect!! I love it. Small weddings are so much fun instead of the headache of a big wedding. No drama no stress easy and fun and loving like it should be!! Congratulations and I want an update on how your wedding trip went!! Definitely do an update!!
The OP responded:
vic_ticious
Will let you all know how it goes! Right now we're deep into planning mode and we're simply enjoying the process!