Bride offers to help future SIL and BIL find accommodations for wedding, now SIL is packing her bags, threatening to leave BIL.
"I (the bride) offered to help my future SIL and BIL find accommodations for my wedding and now she packed her luggage and is threatening to leave him."
This is a long one, so buckle up. The first text was to our group chat including me, my future husband, his brother, and his brother's wife. The part she did not disclose to me is that the brothers' parents already told them they would pay for their room.
For me personally, I've been trying to make this wedding as accessible to everyone as possible. Meaning I kept the wedding closer to the BIL and SIL since I knew with the BIL's work they could only take a day to travel.
I am not having a bridal party since I don't want anyone to feel they need to buy extra dresses, and I've completely covered the bachelorette party costs and made it the night before the wedding so that it wouldn't mean an extra trip or anyone, that I invited her to and she declined.
I didn't love how she responded to the price of the hotel rooms, but wanted to figure out a way that might work for them. I wanted a week, talked to my therapist, and let it marinate so that I wasn't reactive. I went in clear headed and only intending to make this as easy for them as possible.
I decided to text her off of the chat to gauge if she wanted to stay there at all. She hasn't been clear about planning to attend the wedding, and her first text didn't make it seem like she wanted the hotel block. I really have been giving her the benefit of the doubt that maybe this is just how she texts, and not taking it personally.
An hour or so after texting the SIL, the BIL texts me about how she felt rushed and not a priority. This was confusing for a few reasons. Last month we had a four-way phone call that the SIL insisted on, where she asked that we not have "back channels" of the brothers talking and instead be direct with each other.
I didn't understand why she didn't talk to me directly if she was feeling a type of way. But knowing the BIL, he is very chill and I could tell this was not his feeling or his voice, so could my fiancee. I texted him as if the SIL was reading over his shoulder, and as if I was talking to both of them.
I slept on it, and the next morning the brothers had a phone call. I asked if it would make sense for me to just talk to the SIL on the phone since texting wasn't lending itself to my tone and the BIL said that would be a great idea.
I send her a similar kind of "can we talk later?" text that she's sent me before, and thought that would be the end of it (months before this, she flipped out at me over text, apologized, and we went months without talking.
She had then asked for all of us to talk, and I wasn't in a place to for other family reasons but I did anyway and told her its all fine). Then I got all of these texts in the middle of the day while I was at the office.
The OP then provided screenshots of the conversation.
When I got home I got this paragraph from my BIL, and my fiancee immediately called him to ask what in the world was happening. My fiancee was livid.
Based on the SIL's texts alone, he didn't want her going to the wedding or for me to even talk on the phone with her, and I spent the early evening talking him down and telling him not to make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling.
I wasn't mad or upset, but I also was in a position where I needed to make it clear that I have boundaries about how I'm talked to. I'm not precious about this, but I'm also not a doormat. The last blue text is what I had in my notes app written down that I worked with my therapist on in order to de-escalate, and word for word what I said on the phone.
The phone call started with hearing the SIL in the background say to my BIL "put her on F'ing speakerphone." I ignored having heard that to work on de-escalation. After all of the "nothing to say" texts, I then had to ask if I could not be talked over and just speak directly, so she could hear my tone and intention.
I made it to the last paragraph of what I planned to say, and she starts yelling at full volume at me about how I as disrespectful to her. I told her I would love if she could explain what was disrespectful and she began reading my texts at full screaming.
Even at that point, I didn't hear anything disrespectful about what I said. I cannot stress enough that I remained completely calm, cool, and collected, throughout how she was treating me, repeating that we wanted them there.
I asked her to lower her voice so we could have a respectful conversation and she told me she is not talking to me and I could talk to her husband and walked away from the call. I talked to him a little and he and I felt like the voices of reason throughout this. We texted after that we were both going to try to put out fires for our respective partners.
An hour or so later my fiancee heard from the BIL that the SIL has packed her bags and is saying how she is leaving him for not standing up for her enough. This is probably the first time I felt upset.
Beyond it seeming incredibly manipulative, the BIL did stand up for the SIL. He is a good guy and was being a good husband, even though it wasn't his battle to fight for her. Now my fiancee is worried the SIL is going to make him choose between him and her. I honestly thought I was offering something generous to them as a kind gesture.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Your SIL is an ass BUT….if your room block closes on a specific date and you have more people wanting rooms than are in your block, you needed to set an earlier time block for your priority guests so that those who are back-up have time to make other arrangements. You created an awful lot of unnecessary confusion by not managing dates/deadline better. Good luck!
Yeah SIL definitely took this way too far but OP also could have been more clear. Especially since they are willing to cover costs (and it seems like so are her in laws), she only really needs to get a yes or no if they want to be in the block and what dates. I feel like the softness and overaccommodating just creates confusion.
If she's leaving him, something else is going on.
But you do want them to decide sooner than 9/17; own that.
To be honest, I find what you are saying in these texts to be extremely confusing. But, I also thought you were very nice (though again confusing and it seemed like you were making things go in circles instead of just being clear about when stuff needed to be done when). You certainly weren't being rude. She was being agitated and by the end she was clearly frustrated and her tone was not nice at all.
As for the rest, that's totally crazy! Like I said, I don't think you were being rude or anything, I think your texts were confusing and your suggestion to talk on the phone would have been a great solution. Your SIL sounds like a nightmare.
What in the world. How did this escalate like this. Your sil is a major drama queen.
She wanted to leave him, created this drama so she'd have a half assed reason, and none of it has anything to do with you. SIL didn't want to make firm plans when she had a foot out the door, nor spend $700 a night when she'll need that for part of a security deposit on her new digs, nor celebrate anyone else's marriage when she's planning the end of hers. Save a plate for BIL. He sounds like a good guy.