Son boycotts father's wedding after learning he had affair while mom was dying. + Update
"AITA for not going to the wedding of my dad and his affair partner?"
Top-Travel-7135
When I was 17, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. 2 years later she passed away During these 2 years my dad was not around much. He was always working and going on business trips. My aunt and grandma took care of mom. About 5 months after my mother's passing my dad introduced me to his new girlfriend. I was pi$$ed.
I yelled at him how quickly he moved on from mom when they decided to tell me they had been in a relationship for 3 years. My dad had been cheating on my mom while she was dying. His business trips were to meet his affair partner. I was so angry I packed my stuff and left his house. I haven't spoken to him since that day.
Currently I am 25. The only family I speak to is an aunt who helped me when I left my dad's house. A few days ago my aunt called me, asked me how I was and then asked me if I heard from dad. I said why would I hear from him again.
My aunt said dad is getting married to his affair partner and by going to his wedding it would help us mend our relationship. I said why would I do that. He is dead to me. There was a silence on the phone for a bit before my dad replied asking if that was what I felt about him. I immediately cut the call when I heard his voice.
I realized he was with my aunt when she made the call to me. I texted my aunt telling her I asked her not tell dad anything about me and she agreed back then. She texted me back saying I was an ahole for saying what I said and my dad is crushed hearing that and that I should move on by now. I did not want to argue with someone who helped me so I blocked her.
Over the next 2 days, I got sent a wedding invitation to my mail box. The only person in the family who knew my address was my aunt. And she gave my number to various members of the family.
I am being bombarded with calls and texts from dad, uncles, cousins, aunts saying I should give him a chance and come to the wedding. Some calling me names for saying what I said. I got a text from the affair partner saying my dad is thinking of postponing the wedding and I should just talk to him.
For context, the affair partner was a friend of my mom and knew she had cancer. I said its not my fault if he postpones the wedding. I don't want to have relationship with dad or her. They are trying to force it. It got quiet after that but being told by so many people from my dad's side I am an asshole did leave me conflicted but I am sticking to my guns. So AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
lizger59
Nta get a new phone an move far away.
ResponseMountain6580
NTA get a new phone number and move on with your life.
lovinglifeatmyage
Your dad and your mum’s best friend cheated on her with each other whilst she was dying of cancer, reflect on that then ask yourself again whether you’re in the wrong for cutting him out of your life.
Your horrible dad and his terrible family want to pretend it didn’t happen and everything is normal now. To be able to do that, they need you on board with their pretence. NTA OP and good for you, you’re obviously the only one still thinking about what your poor mother went through.
armchair-judge
NTA. You are now being harassed and it may be worth seeking legal advice about where you stand. Meanwhile change your number and get security camera or doorbell with a camera in case of unwanted visitors.
marriedabeeonce
NTA Its not wrong of your other family members to be open to a relationship with your dad BUT it is wrong of them to force you to have one with him. You have every right to have no contact with him and I think your reasoning is totally understandable. Sending you love, it sounds like a terrible situation.
effie-sue
This is succinct and to the point. OP, you experienced legitimate trauma in the last few years. Not only was your father absent during your mother’s final days, but he was absent from you. YOU NEEDED COMFORT AND SUPPORT.
You are well within your rights to be low or no contact with your father indefinitely. It is not up to other people to decide what is best for you. You and only you can choose to reunite with your father. NTA. Kind thoughts to you, OP ❤️
mmmexperimental
NTA Your life your choices. Not sure how holding onto a grudge this long is really healthy for you, have you had therapy? You get to choose who's in your life!
DontAskMeChit
NTA. Tell your father you are treating him like he treated your dying mother. Block everyone who tries to tell you how to feel. Move on and don't look back.
ChildofObama
NTA. Your dad cheated on your mom while she was dying, and now the whole family is upset you’ve calmly expressed how you feel about it by: a) cutting your dad out, and b) not attending the wedding. Your aunt also violated your trust by giving your contact information out without your consent. I’d say cut the whole family out at this point.
Born-This-Gay
You're NTA but your father and his whole family is. Block their numbers, block their email address, social media, change your address if you can. 6 years isn't enough to get over the man who literally betrayed your mother when she needed him the most and was out fraternizing with another woman who was supposed to be your mother's friend.
They were enjoying themselves while your mother was dying, and didn't even have a lick of decency or care for you and your pain - by the fact that merely 5 months after your mother's death your father thought it was prime time to reveal his cheating partner to you. They care for nothing but themselves. In fact even if you don't forgive this man and woman for as long as you live, it's still understandable.
And honestly I'm smelling a catch from this - either they're too old to have children or they find out they're infertile. Why now? Why does it take him 6 years to suddenly, desperately want to "meld the relationship"? Either way it's not your problem and I hope you ditch this whole nasty family. You deserve better.
About a month later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: AITA for not going to the wedding of my dad and his affair partner?"
Top-Travel-7135
Hello! First I want to thank all who commented on the first post and all who messaged me. It really helped me stick with my decision to not go to the wedding. I wanted to update earlier but its been pretty hectic with work.
So, after the many texts and calls from multiple family members, I sent a text to all the numbers detailing what dad did and why I choose to be no contact with him. I then blocked all the numbers. I have changed my number but kept the old number in a separate phone to collect evidence if they start to harass me from random numbers. But luckily nothing happened and I thought that was that.
A week or so after that, my aunt's fiancé came to my apartment. He knows what time I get off work and was waiting for me in the parking lot. I was apprehensive but he assured me he only wanted to talk.
And according to him the text I sent has caused a shitstorm in that family. He told me that some of the cousins who did not know what happened in the past started to question dad and affair partner and they started to get defensive and deny it but someone revealed that it was true.
This has caused a massive argument within the family with some cousins pulling out of the wedding. Dad wanted to postpone the wedding so he can talk to me but the affair partner threatened to leave him if he did that. The news of what dad and affair partner did also reached some of their friends who were at one point friends of my mom as well.
Some of them has also pulled out of the wedding and this caused the affair partner to have a breakdown and started banning anyone who brings it up, family members included from the wedding. According to aunt's fiancé she is blaming this all on me, says I did this intentionally. I laughed at that.
The wedding is still somehow happening. I asked him about my aunt and how all this started and he said all he knows is that there was a conversation of how bad the family would look if I wasn't at the wedding and that my aunt offered to call me. He said that he disagreed but she did it anyway.
He said that he is only here because he felt I needed to know what happened. I thanked him but said I will be going completely no contact with her and by extension him as well. He agreed, wished me well and left.
I am not going to lie and say I am completely ok. I miss my aunt. I miss my mom. But I know what I did was the right thing. I am currently staying with my girlfriend and she has been cheering me up by coming up with absurd ways to ruin the wedding.
As a lot of you said, I should try therapy and I am going to take that advice. Some of the comments has made me realize that I have bottled up a lot of grief and anger. I am super nervous about it but I also feel it'll do me good. So, once again, thank you for all your comments and advice. Ciao.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
Individual_Ad_9213
NTA "...she has been cheering me up by coming up with absurd ways to ruin the wedding." I can't think of anything that has been more effective than your going public in the way that you did.
Eventually, things will calm down. You might consider reaching out to the family, once they knew what had happened, defended your choice of not going to the wedding. They're the ones who sought out the truth and remained loyal to you.
Ok-Ebb4485
Honestly, I want to know what some of these ideas are. One last nail in the coffin would be nice. Here’s an idea. OP could show up to the wedding and object to it. Use the nasty details of the affair to make the case. It’d be perfect!
ConfectionExtra7869
Your father cheated on your mother with one of her friends, during a most vulnerable time when she really needed him to be there. He could have waited and done the standup thing by her, instead, he went off to dip his stick. You handled your aunt's betrayal as gracefully as one could under the circumstances.
I'm glad the family knows what he did. If they had just left you alone, they would not have to worry about everyone knowing and talking. The girlfriend is a rockstar here and glad you have her in your life. Take care and go live your best life. That marriage is not going to last and if it does, it'll probably be filled with doubts and suspicion since they both are cheaters.
ImpactBeneficial1989
Lmfao it is ironic how she blames this on you. Lol honey if you didn‘t want people to find out you shouldn‘t have had an affair with a married man. It is as simple as that. But people like her are just dumb and delusional. I hope you have a nice life with your gf.
pengygirl1633
NTA. They literally f*ck3d around and found out. Your Aunt put you in a no win situation and that's on her, not you. Of course you're not completely ok. your family seem like they are all AH's. i'm so pleased you have a great supportive girlfriend and that you are seeking therapy. You will get through this and then you hold your head high and live your best life!