Woman called 'spoiled and coddled,' has 'nervous breakdown' after sister's engagement.
It's never nice to flaunt your unbridled happiness in front of someone going through a hard time... but how long are we expected to hide it?
When a newly engaged woman felt that her thunder wasn't only being stolen, but crushed, she came to Reddit to ask:
'AITA for refusing to 'keep a low profile' of my recent engagement and refuse to come without him to mother's birthday to accommodate jealous sister?'
Yes that's a lot, but Worldly-Working-2683 explains:
I (36f) just got engaged to my better half (43m) two weeks ago.
My sister (28f) who has always been spoiled and coddled by my parents was dumped by her long term boyfriend (of 10 years!) for another woman after he graduated from medical school this past summer (she was looking forward to being a 'doctor's wife' thinking she'd be bathing in rubies and pearls) and proposed to her after only a few months.
My sister is insanely jealous and competitive, she always has to be 'first' and always has to 'win.'
I expected she'd be jealous but grossly underestimated it, she was apparently so overcome with grief she had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized and then move back home with my parents.
My parents have asked me to 'keep a low profile', have cancelled my engagement party that was their idea 'until further notice' (probably forever) and to come alone to my mother's birthday in a few weeks and leave my ring at home. (They love my fiance so it's not that they don't approve of the relationship, this is to accommodate my sister).
I said we are now a package deal, and if he's not welcome I'm not coming and I absolutely will not take off and hide my ring like some dirty little secret. And I told them they are uninvited from my wedding and we are going no contact until they tender a sincere apology and revoke this ridiculous rule of 'keeping a low profile.'
I also said if this standoff goes through the wedding we are going no contact for good. I've never missed a parents birthday so my dad is pissed at me, and I called him a hypocrite because he went no contact with his parents for excluding my mother (over religious differences).
He insists 'this is different' and I said no it's not because he's expecting me to do something to my fiance that he'd never do to his wife. AITA (Am I the a-hole)?
Well, who is the actual jerk in this scenario?
Reddit was all over the board with this one, but was mostly on OP's side... sort of.
Creepy_Addict asks:
Info - did your sister have the breakdown when her ex got engaged or when you got engaged?
And OP answered:
When I got engaged.
And lapochita rules in her favor:
NTA (Not the a-hole). He had a breakdown because her competitive behavior towards you, and your parents keep enabling this, making sure you are never in a 'better position' (being engaged) than her.
Also, I'm sure that people AND your sister KNOW you are engaged and will ask you things during the party even if your fiance is not there and you are not using your ring, so what's the point?
SebrinePastePlaydoh agrees:
NTA (not the a-hole)... are your parents moving into separate homes and taking off their rings? Ya know, since the presence of couples is SO hard on their golden child? (Yes, I feel for her mental health, but why does she ONLY need to be shielded from YOUR happiness?)
But Normal-Height-8577 has more sympathy for the sister:
Sister was apparently going out with her boyfriend for ten years. They were highschool sweethearts, and she supported him through med school - and then he dumped her for another woman right after he graduated. I don't think you need 'unaddressed mental issues for a while' to be deeply distressed by that situation. Her entire f**king life and future fell apart in one blow.
And she's only home - as of a week ago - because OP's mom is a nurse, and her parents promised to be act as her carers. That's why she's out of hospital, and why OP's mom is wanting to take things slowly and carefully right now.
peony_161 says:
ESH (Everyone sucks here) - except maybe your sister, who’s going through a serious mental health crisis. Your parents such for trying to exclude your fiancé from family events and asking you to take your ring off. If they’d simply asked you not to enthusiastically discuss wedding plans in front of your sister, I’d get where they’re coming from, but they are going overboard and not considering your feelings at all.
But you’re also an a-hole because you so obviously lack any and all empathy for your sister. It’s not like you actually accomplished something that you then had to hide for your sister’s benefit. Honestly, it reads like you are just as jealous as you claim your sister is.
throw05282021 writes:
At the moment, YTA (you're the a-hole). We all get that you're upset with her. She's been hyper-competitive and cruel to you forever. But correlation does not equal causation. Your assumption that her breakdown and hospitalization was due to coddling by your parents is unfounded.
And, even if your guess is right, that doesn't change the fact that your sister is recovering from a breakdown that was severe enough to warrant hospitalization. You ratcheting things up to nuclear level - threatening to go NC with your parents if they don't do what you demand - makes you an AH.
Your dad is right that his circumstances and yours are different. He went NC with his family because they were bigoted. You're threatening to go NC because of a disagreement over how to handle a bona fide mental health crisis situation. The two are worlds apart.
That said, I do think you're justified to decline to visit your parents if your fiancé is excluded. I just don't think you're justified in giving them an ultimatum in an attempt to force them to knowingly harm your sister's mental health.
aubaub just about sums it all up:
NTA but you did go from zero to a hundred pretty quick. I’m guessing there’s more history we haven’t heard...