'I have been told by my friend that I'll need to dye my hair to be in her bridal party.' UPDATED
"I have been told by my friend that I'll need to dye my hair to be in her bridal party."
So I’ve known my friend, who I’ll refer to as Ella, since I was a child as she’s the daughter of family friends but we’ve only become close in the past 2 or 3 years. She recently became engaged, and I readily accepted her offer to be part of her bridal party.
Yesterday morning I received an email from Ella. It seemed pretty standard but then when she got into the look she wants for her bridesmaids she wrote: “Bridehairthrowaway, you’ll need to dye your hair for the day, I’ll take you to my hairdresser and cover the cost :)”.
This had never been mentioned to me. I’m a natural ginger, so it’s not like I have an outrageous hair colour, although Ella and her other bridesmaids are all brunettes.
I texted Ella about it, she told me my hair would clash with the wedding colours and that brides get a veto over pretty much every aspect of her bridesmaids’ appearances.
She also mentioned my hair is quite “attention-grabbing” and I’d take away from the cohesiveness of the group. I told her I wasn’t comfortable dying my hair. She said she’d get back to me but hoped I’d reconsider.
Am I being reasonable here? I’ve never been involved in a wedding before so I’m not quite sure what’s expected of me. I’ve gotten some messages from the other bridesmaids who are telling me I should just do it.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
Long story short, I am not going to be involved in Ella’s wedding in any way. I didn’t hear anything from Ella regarding the hair dying so I spoke to my parents who in turn spoke to Ella’s parents (all in their 50s) who then must have spoken to Ella’s older brother (27M), who I will call Charles, who I’ve also grown close to over the past few years.
A little bit of background, Ella has been with her fiancé Pete (27ish?) since she was 15, he was (and I assume still is) a friend of Charles, which is how Ella and Pete met. Charles called me and informed me that Pete has a redhead obsession.
It’s something they always joked about in their teens (although that joking stopped when Pete began dating his younger sister). Ella actually dyed her hair red (something I sort of remember) for several years in her teens but it basically became too damaged and costly to continue doing and she returned to her natural hair colour.
Charles would bet this is why she’s requesting I dye my hair. This all kind of made sense. I’ve met Pete a couple of times and Ella always seemed to be in a rush to leave the conversation and move on. He also stared a lot.
Why was I even asked to be a bridesmaid? Her parents “strongly encouraged” it, and are footing the entire bill. I’m generally fairly quiet and accommodating person so I guess she figured I’d just go with it.
I emailed Ella to tell her I’m no longer able to be a bridesmaid, I haven’t heard anything back although I know she’s seen the message. I will probably not be going to the wedding at all. The whole situation is just too weird and uncomfortable, I’m assuming there’s no coming back from this.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
This seems like a really odd response. I mean, he's an adult, right? Not a robot incapable of controlling his inner programming. A functioning adult that will most likely interact with redheads, possibly even gasp working with them.
If you are uncomfortable being in the wedding, I understand your hesitancy to be involved in it. But the pushback from your friend is completely crazy. I cannot believe this marriage will last if any female of the 2-6% of people in Western civilization with red hair will set his loins into overdrive irrevocably.
My husband has a obsession so I'd like to ask you to change your appearance for my wedding because my husband has a obsession. Crazy.
It's stories like this that make me very glad I (straight man) will likely never be a bridesmaid. My sister has been one 3 or 4 times and each time it costs her $1000+ and weeks of her time. Asking people to change their hair colour is next level bonkers.
Wild that this had never, ever come up through literal decades of acquaintanceship. Not even when OP and Ella started getting close those last few years. If that was what started off the marriage, I kind of doubt they're still married.
I honestly don't get this relatively new trend of brides considering their bridal parties and sometimes even their guests being part of the decor. I dye my hair unnatural colours, so if the bride came to me in time and asked me to colour to match their decor, like a pastel pink, I'd probably do it even if I despise pink and pastels even more (pastels do nothing for my complexion I look anaemic).
But if they asked me to cover up my tattoos, or dye my hair a natural colour, the most they could hope for is me wearing a wig. Why wouldn't you want your loved ones looking like themselves on the biggest day of your life? You surely don't want to look back at your wedding photos in 20 years and see your friends and family dolled up in ways that make them look nothing like themselves.
Fully agree with the commenter who said he's a grown man who should be able to control himself when he encounters redheads. Big ick on the staring, and sucky that her "friend" tried to get her to change for her own insecurity, instead of protecting her from her weirdo fiancé.