'AITA for taking back the shawl my wife made for a bride?' UPDATED
"AITA for taking back the shawl my wife made for a bride after she was uninvited from the wedding?"
My wife, Lena, crochets a lot and often gifts it to friends and family. When her 2nd oldest brother got married, she made the bride a shawl to wear over her dress in the evening. The bride loved it and ever since Lena has made shawls for everyone in her family getting married.
Now Lena’s oldest brother, George, is getting married again. Lena doesn’t have a relationship with George as he was hurtful to her as a child, but if she has to see him then she is polite but distant with him. She doesn’t want to cut off the rest of her family because of George.
I work with George and while we aren’t friends, we are friendly at work – Lena encouraged this. When George got moved to my team I was going to request a transfer, not wanting to expose Lena to George as my team do a lot of get-togethers with our significant others.
As it is a family wedding, Lena’s mom asked her if she could crochet a shawl for George’s fiancée and Lena agreed. It was arranged that once it was finished I would take it to work to give to George so that Lena didn’t have to see him.
Earlier this week, the shawl was completed and I emailed George at work to let him know that I would bring it in today, as the wedding is tomorrow. When I got in to work this morning, I gave George the shawl and let him know that Lena and I were looking forward to the wedding.
Come lunch time, Lena called me to let me know that George’s fiancée had called her and told her that she was no longer invited to the wedding. She claimed the place they are having the wedding and the reception at is too small for the number they have coming so they are having to make cut backs. However, I was still invited to the wedding.
I was mad at this because they clearly only invited Lena to get a shawl, which to me is just rude. If they had asked Lena outright to make one, she probably would have still done it because she loves to crochet.
On my way out of work, I noticed George wasn’t at his desk but the shawl was. I was still mad that they had used Lena to get a shawl and I just shoved it in my work bag. I left a note on his desk telling George that ,since Lena was no longer invited, the shawl and I would no longer be attending either.
On my way home, I told Lena what I had done and asked her if she wanted to go out instead, so we wouldn't have to waste having a sitter. Lena was upset that I had taken the shawl as it was causing an uproar in her family group chat where people were calling her petty because I took it back.
Lena wants me to give it back. I don’t think I should. They don’t deserve Lena’s kindness. However, at the same time, I don’t want Lena to be upset with me over George and a shawl. Am I the a**hole for taking back the shawl?
Edit: I have messaged the group chat, letting them know that I took it and if they should be p*%$#d at anyone then it should be me but I would also do it again because no one gets to be a d*%$ to Lena.
Info from OP in answered questions:
Q: INFO: Lena’s own family have no issue with her specifically being excluded from the wedding?
A: MIL will do whatever it takes for George to be happy. If Lena not attending is what makes him happy then she'll do whatever is needed to make it happen. If George is happy, then so is everyone. If not he makes everyone around him miserable. He's always been able to get what he wants because MIL has to make sure her 'baby boy' is always happy. gag
Q: You should tell all your work friends how awful George is. You said that you and your wife have socialized with your teammates a lot. They have to have some loyalty to you and her?
A: They're fully aware of how bad he is. I was at the bar while Lena was catching up with one of my co-workers, when George arrived at the Christmas party and he had a go at her in front of everyone accusing her of being a stalker and obsessed with him.
Even told people that the only reason she was there was because of him. A few of them have had little to do with him since, especially the co-worker Lena was talking to because she got on really well with his late wife.
Q: INFO: Are you sure that Lena is being truthful with you about being uninvited? Is it possible she realized she can't handle going to George's wedding and made up that she was uninvited so neither of you would go?
A: I'm sure. She was upset when she called, she's not one who can cry on command. She was also really looking forward to it because it meant she got to see SIL (2nd oldest brother's wife) as they don't get to see each other often due to living in different countries. We were surprised we were invited in the first place.
But uninviting a blood relative but keeping the spouse is something George has done before with their brother, Lena and I weren't invited to that event.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
No_Tumbleweed_544
NTA i would have taken it back. It was extremely rude to uninvite your wife but still “allow” you to come. No point giving the shawl back now. What’s done is done.
BoudicaTheArtist
NTA. Lena needs to stand up for herself and not be a darn doormat for her family. If they think it’s fine that Lena gets uninvited but thinks Lena is petty for you taking the shawl back, then why on earth is there still any contact with them?
FancyPantsDancer
Anyone who has an issue with the OP's actions should be out of their lives. George and his fiancee are terrible people. To use Lena for a handmade shawl and then uninvite her using a blatant lie. OP, switch work teams ASAP.
booksycat
Can we all stop calling Lena "a doormat" - she sounds like a woman with years of abuse trauma fallout going on still. Victimizing the victim isn't a great look for us today. Maybe instead of "stop being a doormat" we try "Sounds like Lena needs help dealing with the years of abuse. Have you guys discussed therapy?"
cultqueennn
NTA. Your wife needs to learn how to have a backbone. She's being used for her UNPAID skills and mistreated at the same time.
SpikeYoureSoHandsome
Came here to say this. She's not a doormat, she's lived a life full of trauma that it sounds like she's never received help for. If I were in her shoes, I would cut them off entirely and seek therapy. You don't treat the people you love that way.
Also, isn't this OPs wife's brother? So he's inviting his brother in law but not his actual sister? I don't have the words.
Disastrous-Bee-1557
Nope, she should wear if for the night out they will be having instead of going to the wedding. Post that to the group chat right in the middle of the reception.
Two weeks later the OP returned with an update:
So, everyone will be glad to know that I have not given George back the shawl. I mean part of the reason I haven't given it back is because he's on his honeymoon (I hope has rained for the 2 weeks), but even if he wasn't I still wouldn't give it back.
Later that evening, Lena apologised for being mad at me. She said that she should have never agreed to make the shawl in the first place and was grateful I had taken it back. Lena and I had a long discussion about her family and how they treat her. I told her that I would always stand up for her when it comes to her family because I will stand strong when she can't.
I asked her what she thought about going lower contact (we were already low contact) with George, his now wife, and her mom. Lena said that she wanted to go no contact with George, his wife, her mom, and to go low contact with everyone else but her 2nd oldest brother and his wife (we'll call them Michael and Sarah.)
She said she wanted to do this because of how toxic the group chat had become, which she has now left and has shown me that she has left and deleted the chat. We have both blocked everyone but Michael and Sarah. I’m going to wait a couple of weeks before I broach therapy for Lena again.
I just want the dust to settle a bit as I don't want her to feel pushed into anything. The story the wife gave Lena about there not being enough space was bul^%$*t, Michael confirmed that George had told him weeks ago that they were well under numbers for their venue. It was just a sh*t attempt at a power move.
I know some people were concerned about my work life after I took the shawl. I spoke with my manager and told him that Lena had made a shawl for George's wife but they had given a sh*t reason for uninviting her to the wedding the day before the wedding and I took it back.
When I told my manager this, he sighed heavily before telling me that he wished I hadn't taken the shawl because George could make things difficult for me but that he would have done exactly the same thing because George is a nightmare. I told him that I'd like to move to another team because it wasn't good for Lena to have to be around him.
He told me to leave it with him and he would see what he could do. I had thought of asking to be moved when George was first put on my team but Lena encouraged me not to as she didn’t want me to rock the boat with her family.
I heard back on Monday that I will be getting moved to another team at the end of the week. This other team is desperate for someone, so when my manager reached out to other managers to see if anyone had an internal vacancy this manager bit his arm off.
The day of the wedding, Michael called Lena and asked what our plans had been for the day. Michael knew that Lena wasn't invited to the wedding and rightly assumed I wouldn't go if she wasn't welcome. Lena told him that we had planned to go out for dinner and drinks. Michael told her that sounded like a plan and to text him where we were going for dinner.
Michael and Sarah had decided to skip the wedding after seeing the meltdown of George, his wife and their mom in the group chat; apparently they continued spouting abuse at Lena even though she had left the group chat.
When the family turned on me and our children, Michael and Sarah decided they weren't going to the wedding at all, they were just going to go to the ceremony after Lena had been uninvited. They messaged George to tell him their flight had been delayed and they wouldn’t be able to make it – their flight wasn’t delayed, it was just the excuse they used and George never responded.
Michael had seen George's abuse of Lena first hand, he had tried to protect Lena where he could but there was only so much he could do as a child himself and he didn't want to be on the receiving end of George's temper either. As an adult, he took the first chance he had to move away from his family while only maintaining contact with Lena.
So we went out with Michael and Sarah, having a much better night than we would have done at the wedding. There were no snide comments, no belittling, nothing. Lena was happy as she got to see Sarah and that was what she was looking forward to. Lena being happy was all I wanted. It’s all I ever want, my family to be happy.
Both Michael and Sarah’s phones did keep going off all night as MIL and George kept messaging them angry at their non-attendance, especially after Michael posted a picture of the four of us together having drinks on Facebook with a caption about how he was choosing Lena over George going forward because she doesn’t use people to get what they want like George did over a crochet shawl.
Michael admitted to me later that he did this to anger George because he’d have a melt down at the reception and then his in-laws could see what an a** he actually is. Given the gleeful messages I got from Michael last week after he had heard back from a cousin who attended, George had a complete meltdown.
Lena knows about this post, but she is not comfortable with me posting pictures of her work. She considered unravelling the shawl but she found it difficult to undo all her hard work, which I understand. It’s the very reason I didn’t unravel it myself and told George it was an IKEA shawl – well that and I didn't want to face a mad Lena.
After talking with Sarah about what to do with it, she has decided that she’s going to keep it but she will dye it. Michael suggested that she wears it to the family Christmas – we aren’t going to see Lena’s family at Christmas so it won’t be happening anyway.
Michael and I are at the same level of pettiness as I had previously suggested (as some people comment on my original post) that I could wear it to work when George is back. I didn’t show Lena many of the comments, she doesn’t need to see people calling her a doormat or saying she needs to grow a spine.
Those people clearly haven’t had their spirit completely broken by the people who are meant to love them unconditionally or were completely cut out of family events. When George graduated from university, Lena was left at home, she was 8 years old and left home alone all day.
Christmas was spent mostly in her bedroom, because her grandmother didn’t want Lena around as her presence would just upset George, until she was 14. Then she would sneak out and spend it with me and my family. Lena was just left out of everything.
Her dad used to work away from home a lot, so he had no idea what was going on, he just assumed Lena liked her own space. He had no idea that she would just stay in her room because she was used to being neglected by her family.
Here were the top rated comments after this final update:
Bevin_Flannery
I'm so glad to see this update, glad Lena has you in her corner, and glad you all got together with Michael and Sarah. And the petty part of my soul relished the part about Michael's FaceBook dinner photos.
SnooWords4839
I love that Michael posted a pic of the 4 of them and George ruined his own reception.
baronessindecisive
As a crocheter I can understand Lena’s pain at the idea of frogging her work (even with the painful association and difficult memories no doubt tied to it now). It can help sometimes to have someone else (usually a fellow crafter) frog for you if a project is misbehaving, though that’s clearly not the case here.
I LOVE the “IKEA shawl” comment from OP. I hope OP wears it at work; I especially hope that Lena wears it herself, particularly during the holidays, and that she considers keeping it the original color, which I bet is absolutely lovely.
Izzet_Aristocrat
So little lord fontlef*%$ can spend his wedding without them. Good. I've always wondered why people like George want these people they clearly don't like at their events or in their life.
nirselady
First of all, all I can see is oop in shiny armor on the back of a horse swinging a sword around. Second, I am dying to see what these shawls look like! They must be stunning.