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'AITA for wanting my bridesmaids to wear "immodest" dresses in my wedding?' UPDATED

'AITA for wanting my bridesmaids to wear "immodest" dresses in my wedding?' UPDATED


"WIBTA for wanting 'immodest' bridesmaid dresses for my wedding?"

Here's the original post:

I (20f) am getting married next summer. I grew up in a VERY religious household but was able to “flee the toxicity” as i like to say. The rest of my family are all still very active members in that church. I asked my 2 sisters (22, 17) to be my bridesmaids. Within said religion, once you reach a certain age you’re eligible to make extra promises and one of those promises is that you’ll remain chaste (no premarital sex,

wear modest clothing, etc). You’re then given “the magical underwear” to wear at all times. They essentially resemble knee-length shorts and a cap-sleeve t-shirt, but an “underwear” type material. My older sister has been wearing these for about 3 years now. Earlier today, we went shopping for bridesmaid dresses. The vision i have for my wedding is simple, but particular.

I would prefer my BM’s wear the same dress (Spaghetti straps, knee-length, flowy, semi exposed back and chest). My mom and older sister, during the entirety of this appointment, sat there and told me that I needed to be accommodating towards her religious needs with finding a dress for her that completely covers her underwear. Normally, i wouldn’t have a problem with this, but this is for my wedding!

I’ll wear what she wants for hers, so i don’t get why it’s such a big deal for mine. My mom tried to say it was the same as a Muslim woman wanting to accommodate for her Hijab (please correct me if i used the wrong terminology!!) or a member of Jewish faith wearing a Yarmulka (again, please correct me if needed). I don’t know if maybe it’s because I’m looking at it all with “sh!t-colored glasses”

but I don’t think it’s the same thing. They’re just underwear to me, and people have to wear underwear to accommodate different clothing all the time so why is this any different? Anyways, part of me wants to just rescind my invitation for her to be in the bridal party since it’s already caused so much drama, but i know that it will only cause more if i do.

I’d be risking my younger sister pulling out as a BM and i would be risking losing the financial help my parents have offered (that I am INCREDIBLY grateful for!). I don’t want her to be uncomfortable but i also want my wedding to look and be a certain way. So, am i the a-hole for not choosing a dress that accommodates her?

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

bleepybleeperson said:

I feel like I'll get down voted for this but I can't not say it. You're too young to get married. You've only lived outside of the church for a blink of an eye. And you haven't got the emotional maturity to figure out this bridesmaid situation. You don't know who you are, or what you prioritise. You shouldn't get married when you're still so young and new to the world.

Vixen7-9 said:

YTA. Regardless of religion, you can't push people to wear clothing they're uncomfortable with just because it's your day. Either find a new dress or remove her from the bridal party.

Fickle_Ostrich4923 said:

YTA. You should never ask someone to expose parts of their body that they don't want to expose. You don't have to agree with their reasoning or follow the rules yourself, but you just do not get to tell someone they have to wear less clothing.

UsernameTaken93456 said:

YTA, and your mother makes a good comparison. You think the "magic underwear" is ridiculous, your adult sister has made her choice. I would also just say, you claim you've fled the toxicity, but getting married at 20 sounds pretty standard Mormon.

CrystalQueen3000 said:

YTA. It is the same thing, it’s an item of religious clothing. Listen, you don’t get to stomp all over people’s beliefs or practices because it’s “your day”. If you don’t want to accommodate that then remove her from the bridal party and deal with the consequences.

Normal-Height-8577 said:

YTA. I have a lot of sympathy for you, but it is like a Muslim woman wanting an accomodation for her hijab and you are looking at your particular bugbear religion through sh!t-tinted glasses.

If you want your sister as a bridesmaid, you need to accommodate her religious needs. Or let her wear an extra bolero/cropped cardigan/some sort of wrap over the top that lets her appear to be wearing the same dress but without exposing her underwear/forcing her out of her religious garments.

I know it's easy to get carried away with imagining your wedding as a magazine photoshoot, but don't succumb to that. That's the first step towards Bridezilladom. Prioritise people and your love for then over achieving the perfect image - photos are for documenting how happy the day was and all the people who came to celebrate with you, not for winning glamour awards.

She later shared these updates:

This has brought in more attention than i thought it would, so i figured i should add a couple more things to help clarify. 1)i didn’t want to have an actual wedding in the first place. we’re only doing this because our families were sad about the fact that they wouldn’t get to see us get married if we did things how we wanted to. so essentially, if they want me to have a wedding that’s fine but i want to do it my way.

i’m already going out of my way to accommodate to them wanting to be there, i don’t want to push it further by having them dictate the whole day. the dresses are just the start of what they’ll push around once they realize they have a tiny bit of leeway. 2) the help my parents are providing isn’t a substantial amount. i am footing 90% of wedding costs.

the little bit that they’re helping out with means so much to me and more or less it “signifies” that we’re on good terms (very rocky relationship with them growing up). 3) i want nothing to do with this religion i left. i’ve dug deep into the history and know that it’s all lies brought up by con-men and murdering people bc god told them too and having child brides etc etc etc.

i can’t change the fact that my family are practicing this religion still, but i don’t want it to dictate my wedding. this is my last real step to “freedom” from the cult and the fact that it still has such a hold on every decision?? i’m not okay with it. it’s not just about the dress, or the undergarments.

I appreciate the honesty that a lot of you have provided! It has definitely helped me realize some things and make decisions. IWBTH here. I will be asking both of my sisters to step down as bridesmaids and just have my MOH participate (same to the groomsmen/best man, yes this has been discussed with my FH).

I realize that while i have the right to make whatever wedding i have, how i want to have it, i DID cross a boundary with my sister. i can’t ask her to wear something she’s not comfortable in just for my own wants. this is ultimately the best decision for keeping the peace as well as keeping my own standards for the wedding.

i would also like to say to everyone that thinks i’m too young to get married: i don’t care! i am confident and happy in the decision i am making to marry who i’m marrying and if things end up not working out down the road? then so be it. this is the decision we’re making for us and that’s that.

And finally, she shared this whopper of an update:

just in case anyone still cares and wants to be updated… ive called off the wedding! this was essentially the last straw with the issues i have with my family, so i’m officially no-contact with them. i’m not going to go into the specifics, but it’s always been a battle to get along with them so when this has been pushed to no end i decided they care more about their stupid religion than they do me.

it wasn’t just going to stop at the dresses… anyways, they are no longer on my list of priorities so idgaf about having a wedding at this point. fiancé and i are just going to elope and have a small, celebratory gathering with our closest friends and his family. i haven’t felt this good in a while.

i’m exhausted and sad about having to make the final push from my family, but i’m absolutely so happy to be done with their drama and bullsh!t. thanks to everyone who helped me see the clarity of the situation.

Sources: Reddit
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