Woman asks if she was wrong to suggest fiancé's 'disabled' friend skip wedding.

'AITA for uninviting a friend to my wedding so my bf doesn’t have to take care of him?'

Context: My boyfriend [fiancé] Freddie (30M) and Calum (29M) have been best friends since college. They were roommates and graduated together, and all that stuff. Me (30F) and Freddie have been dating for 6 years and we are getting married next January.

We’re incredibly happy and we can’t wait to have our fabulous wedding. We both deal with anxiety because we have very high profile, demanding jobs… so we agreed to have a small wedding, simple, relaxed and stress-free.

I’ve shared spaces with Callum at my bf’s family events, parties, and he hangs out with my boyfriend a fair amount of time. He's great. I like him.

Here’s the issue though: Callum does this thing where he sits or stands very still and stares into space for a long , long, LONG time. Freddie told me it’s a thing called catatonia, I call that just zooming out or dissociating as gen Z said.

The problem is that my BF [fiancé] usually babysits him when that happens. I mean, he stays right next to him the whole time. I thought it was like a cute, nice gesture, but on the day of our wedding, I mean, really? That sounds like the opposite of our dream day. He’s even taller than my boyfriend, so just imagine a 6 '4 guy just standing in the middle of our reception, next to the groom, lmao

Here’s the conflict: I talked this privately with Callum, just me and him, and he agreed that he would be a distraction. He declined the invitation. I asked him to not tell anything to my BF [fiancé] and he said he “would be too embarrassed to say anything” I said “Please don’t feel embarrassed, I know it's not your fault” and we left it at that very friendly and politely.

I told him he it is more than welcome to join us for our christmas dinner, cause I know he’s not close with his family, and like i said, I like him. I told my BF that Callum declined and he was disappointed but he agreed that less guests fitted with our idea of a small lowkey relaxed wedding, so it was still perfect.

The next day I told my Mom, my sister and my maid of honour, and they were visibly upset with me. My mom said it was an assholy move and that it was “ableist”, but I don’t think that's true because it is not really a disability.

I think it is more about his personality and his “thing” that I know is going to take a toll on my boyfriend that day. I want to make sure I was not a horrible person to pacify my conscience. AITA?

Here's how people judged OP:

Firm_Intention_3896 writes:

I hear divorce bells already

katyperrythegoat OP responded:

What an awful thing to say bud

5footfilly writes:

If fiancé finds out about this, there may be no need for divorce bells, because the wedding bells will never ring.

sandwichcrawler writes:

Also love how she tells him to keep it a secret but then goes ahead and tells the wedding party. 🤣 this will come out eventually.

anxious_annie416 writes:

OP seems to think the poor guy felt naturally embarrassed when, guaranteed, she made him feel so guilty and embarrassed for his disability. Her fiance will never forgive her if he did out. YTA.

Updates from OP:

I thought this subreddit was “AITA” not “please send me d threats and wish the worst for me and my soon to be husband”. Edited to correct what I said about his disability. That was ableist.

Too much (well deserved) hate today so I’ll stop with the edits and replies, just gonna say Fred is a loving person and I should be more like him. I owe Calum a huge apology, and my Fred deserves one too, not just for my lie but also bc I know he LOVES Cal. Should've known better.

LimitlessMegan writes:

I see that you now realize Calum has an actually disability, but you don’t sound like you’ve realized just how much you’ve hurt Calum.

katyperrythegoat OP responded:

Yeah, I f**ked it up badly. I was straight-up stupid about Calum’s catatonia. I genuinely didn’t understand what that represented for him, from my POV it was always almost like just an anecdotal fact about Calum. Like just his quirky “thing” he did from time to time.

bethanyanne171 writes:

INFO why was not inviting your fiancés best friend to the wedding (behind his back) a better solution to this problem than just having a conversation with your fiancé about having someone else manage Callum’s disability while he’s at the wedding?

katyperrythegoat OP responded:

Thank you for asking, and thank you to all the people who said YTA but still chose kind words and advice.

Like I said, Cal is not close to his family and I don’t think he has many friends, that’s why I didn’t think about anyone else to take care of him. My mom and sister offered so I’m willing to take their offer and come clean to Fred. Like I said, we’re both under a lot of anxiety and stress and I made an stupid decision.

I thought a white lie would be enough, cause I knew Fred is such a sweet person he would’ve rather take care himself rather than make Cal feel uncomfortable for a minute. I should learn more from him, for sure.