Bride says SIL 'ruined' wedding because she was 'stuck on toilet.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for telling to my SIL why I've missed her wedding ceremony and therefore ruining her wedding evening"
First, English is not my first language. Second, throwaway for privacy. I (24F) have a brother who is getting married to «Victoria» (25F). Vic and I have a very good relationship.
Last year, my brother proposed to his then girlfriend! Vic took the lead for all the wedding preparation because she is taking a gap year between jobs. My brother can support easily both of them and the wedding. So whenever we have questions about the wedding, she is the person we need to talk to.
Important background info: I’m allergic to nuts and coconuts. I don't need an EpiPen, but I have massive d**rrhea. Last time I had a reaction, I was so dehydrated I needed to go to the hospital.
For the wedding day, we have a caterer planned for an only-family brunch, then it’s the ceremony, and then we have a celebration with all the guests.
So for the meals at the wedding, I texted 2 months in advance to ask Vic if I would be able to eat (and told her my specific food allergies, in case she forgot). I told her that if not, I would be able to bring my lunch and eat among everyone without any problem.
It’s something I do sometimes at big family gathering, because I don't expect everyone to be extra careful every time for me. Vic told me that everything should be fine. 4 days before the wedding, I texted again to be sure, and she said that the menu does not contain any of my allergens.
Wedding day:
On the family brunch, I started to feel bad in my tummy. I privately asked the chef if anything contained any nut/coconut and hold and behold: the sauce for the egg contained coconut. I excused myself and went back home (20 minutes away from the venue).
After this… well you can imagine the toilet became my best friend. I passed the next 5 hours on the toilet. I texted my brother to excuse myself, that I won’t be able to come to the ceremony and I would try to come to the celebration.
So around 8 hours after the brunch, I was able to go back to the celebration. I did my wedding toast to my brother and after, Vic came to me and ask why I was absent from the ceremony.
I told her that the brunch did contain coconut and I passed the whole day on the toilet, that I’m glad I was able to come back to the ceremony and did not needed to go to the hospital. She then went back to my brother and spend the rest of the evening talking to guests.
Next Day:
I’ve received many many text from my brother, saying I was an *ssh*le to tell her during her wedding day that she was responsible of me being sick and that I should have told her some lie to make her happy. He told me she cried the whole wedding night about this.
Since then, I've received texts from family members, friends, bridesmaids, who called me an *ss for ruining her wedding night. I'm starting to believe was an *ss and should have said to her a false reason explaining my absence during the ceremony because it ruined her evening. So.. AITA? Should I've lied to her?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
It was important to let her know the truth. If she had caterers who promised not to use an ingredient and then they did, she needs to figure out why this happened and maybe get something credited back. Someone could have died. Her emotions were aimed at the wrong person! NTA.
The OP responded in the comments here:
This is a really good point. Right now, SIL and my brother are low contact with me, but it is something I'm going to investigated further.
They’re low contact with YOU? THEY … chose to go low contact … with YOU??? They should be falling all over themselves apologizing to you for poisoning you and demanding to know who in catering is responsible. YOU are the one who was hurt by someone’s carelessness….and I suspect that someone is Vic.
If they’re acting this way, I’m almost certain Vic did not do her due diligence or she would be storming down the doors of the caterers demanding to know who lied to her.
I think there's a high chance someone was supposed to check for OP's allergies and either forgot or downplayed it. Likely either brother or SIL. They are low contact because someone is embarrassed and deflecting it back onto OP.
I actually suspect it was brother and his reaction is him trying to make himself look better in front of new wife and family now by blaming OP for the incident
NTA. Her reaction is not your responsibility, unless you told her directly, or passively, that it was her fault.
NTA. She couldn't be bothered to find out what was in the brunch foods, or to pass your food sensitivity information on to the caterers. If you had been severely allergic, that would have meant an ambulance at the brunch. This is entirely on her. If she cried about it, that should be guilt for her earlier lies.
Nearly 3 months later, the OP returned with an update:
After the wedding and the Reddit post; after all of those comments and reflections: I texted my SIL.
I said that I was sorry that everything happened the way it did. But I was not wrong to tell her the truth, and this whole situation could have been very dangerous. I did my part with asking her about the allergies and even with that, a reaction happened. But I do feel sad that she passed a bad night indirectly because of me.
Victoria called me after my text and said she understood my situation and the fact that it could have been very dangerous. She assured me she called and emailed the caterer informing them of all the allergies and food requirements.
She said then that a part of her is mad at me because she thinks I should have told her the next day, but it’s on her to work on that and to process those feelings.
When she came back from her honeymoon, we investigated about this. After many calls, we found the problem. The caterer has 2 sub-teams. The main one (supper) was the one Victoria informed about the food requirements.
It was their responsibility to inform the “morning team” about it. (It’s actually impossible to contact the morning team directly, all the administration is on the main/supper team).
One of the workers of the morning team sends us their email stating all the food requirements and surprise surprise, the coconut was absent. So the lady in the Main team whom Victoria was working with misspoke in the email and forgot to mention the coconut note to the morning team.
Plus, coconut is not considered a common allergen so it is rarely written on the menu pamphlet. The catering, to excuse themselves, reimburse the whole bill for the morning and supper. It was a very fancy catering business, so the bill was quite high. They even gave additional sum (for me) with the condition that we don’t sue.
Victoria left me with the choice. And I chose to take the money. I know there is a possibility to get more if we sued, but in the end, no one died and I didn’t want to go trough a whole suing process. Plus, this whole situation could have been avoided if I went to the chef beforehand, so in court that would have played against us.
My bother and Vic did a whole post on their wedding Facebook group about this situation. They said that the incident was not their fault, nor mine, but the catering business who took responsibility for their action.
After it, many of the family members who wrote me insults apologized about their comments. My brother is still bitter about this situation and still thinks I could have simply waited a day before telling the bride about the incident. But Vic and I are closer now than we ever were.
So this is a happy ending. And I can only wish the catering will learn their lesson and create a better system for allergies. And for now, I will always double check with the catering business on future weddings!
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
As many people have pointed out in the original post, your brother needs to be thankful that his wedding didn't end with a funeral. Vic sounds way more mature than him. I'm sure you know that some forms of allergy can lead to an intensifying reaction with every exposure to the allergens.
I'm also guessing you were on the toilet alone, and could have dehydrated and gone into cardiac arrest from lack of electrolytes with no one around to help. Your brother needs to get over himself and appreciate still having a sister.
She was asked directly why she missed the ceremony. Something you don't really expect a direct family member to miss unless they had a good reason. Wth was OP supposed to say but the truth. I doubt the bride and groom would've been happy if she lied about it.
It's funny how the brother is still bitter, considering that if OOP didn't tell the truth, they might have never got free catering. Also, OOP did everything right imo. She couldn't have predicted that the bride would take the info that bad.
I get the feeling like this girl dealt with a lot more bs from her family before this that's caused her to be this nonchalant about being attacked for possibly almost dying from an allergic reaction.
I feel like everyone I know with a serious medical condition is extremely familiar with the way that something entirely out of your control and that may require accommodation and caution from others is perceived as a major inconvenience at best and an outright attack against them at worst.
Sometimes honesty gives you free wedding catering.