Bride tells BFF she can't be MOH after she dropped serious cash on the event. + Update
"AITA for refusing to attend my best friends wedding?"
moh_throwaway1
I (28F) am entangled in a wedding drama of epic proportions. My recently engaged best friend (29F) asked me to be her Maid of Honor, and words can't even describe how happy I was. We've been inseparable since kindergarten, and I was ready to make her big day unforgettable.
I spent nearly $700 on her Bachelorette party, buying cute outfits for everyone and renting a party bus with all you can drink drinks. The other girls pitched in but I'm the most financially stable, so the majority fell on me.
I helped plan the wedding of her dreams, right down to contacting the vendors and setting dates when she was too busy. I made the save the date and invitation cards. What I'm trying to say is that I did a lot for her.
And then, two weeks before the wedding, my best friend asked me to step down and said that her future sister-in-law would be taking the role of MOH. I was outraged and we got into a huge argument over this where I, admittedly, said things I wasn't proud of.
Since then, I've received texts from our friends, my best friend's family, the grooms family, and even the sister-in-law telling me that I'm a drama queen who needs to get over herself and that it isn't about me. This has really gotten to me and I need to know, was I in the wrong?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the initial post:
Tough_Crazy_8362
I N F O: did you ask anyone to financially compensate you after you were asked to step down? This feels like a gross bait-and-switch.
Edit NTA this is some bull.
The OP responded here:
moh_throwaway1
I tried asking for some of the money back but she called me money hungry and said I never told her it was conditional.
Tough_Crazy_8362
Well apparently it was conditional since you were asked to step down! Like??? Have you talked to SIL?
The OP again responded:
moh_throwaway1
Once or twice before this went down. She has been texting and calling me to tell me what a self centered jerk I am, but I haven't replied.
Shot_Tension2810
"Am I the ahole for not attending the wedding."
NTA. She changed her mind about you being her MOH after you've done so much for her and spent so much money, so you get to change your mind about attending the wedding. Simple as that. INFO. Did she give you a reason for why she asked you to step down?
"Edit"
moh_throwaway1
Thank you everyone who's been commenting and giving me advice! I'm going to wait a week to let emotions cool and then try and have a sit down with my friend to talk about this. I'll be logging off for now because I'm going to make a huge batch of cookies and watch some TV to relax.
Edit 3: a small update and to answer some questions. I asked for $200 of the money back because $500 was a repayment from when she paid my rent in college for a month. I hadn't paid her back sooner because she requested I use it for her Bachelorette, she's been dating her fiance for 8 years, and they were waiting to be more financially stable before getting married.
Onto the update: I called her this morning and asked to talk, she agreed and we set up a meeting on Thursday at a local coffee shop. I'm a bit concerned because she sounded really shy and nervous on the phone. Hopefully that goes well and I can do an official update with happy news! Thank you so much for your advice and comments!
True to their word, the OP returned a week later with an update.
"UPDATE AITA for not attending my best friend's wedding?"
moh_throwaway1
Hi everyone! This is an update to my previous post, which you can find on my profile. First, I just want to thank everyone again for how kind and supportive you have all been but also how honest. I took everything to heart and everyone's advice was great! Now onto the update.
I met my friend at around 9am yesterday at a local coffee shop, she looked really bad. Her hair was super greasy and unkempt, she had really bad eye bags and she seemed totally exhausted. When I asked her what was wrong she just apologized. I kept prodding and it turns out that her in-laws are real pieces of work.
Apparently, they've been harassing her for nearly 3 years about having her SIL as the MOH at the wedding and, when my friend chose me, they went ballistic. My friend said she thought she'd be able to handle it until the wedding day but then her MIL threatened to ruin her wedding unless her SIL was the MOH.
My friend panicked and that's when she told me I would no longer be her MOH. She apologized for the money hungry comment and said that she was just in such an awful place mentally that hearing me mention the money made her really upset.
The reason all our friends were attacking me is because they knew about the MIL situation, as my friend never mentioned it to me because she didn't want me to step down because of MIL, and they thought I also knew the whole story.
And as for the fiance, he was completely in the dark. He doesn't have a good relationship with his mother already and my friend didn't want to be what destroyed that relationship.
When my friend told me all this I felt awful, I didn't know she was enduring three years of harassment because of me. I immediately apologized and she apologized and we both cried a lot.
When the tears stopped, she pulled out an envelope with $200 and gave it to me, I originally refused but she insisted so I took it. I encouraged her to tell her fiance because keeping this from him wasn't helping anyone and if he decided to cut off MIL then that was his decision, not hers.
After talking a lot more about future boundaries, our friendship, and the wedding, I decided I would go to the wedding and we'd still be friends. I know my friend didn't handle this in the best way but I've know her for over 2 decades and she's practically my platonic soulmate. That's not something you should throw away because if this.
Originally that was how my update was going to end, but as I was typing this, I received a text from my friend saying that her fiance disinvited his mom and practically half the family, including SIL, because of their treatment of my friend and me. She asked if I would be willing to be the MOH again and I said yes.
I just want to give a final thank you to reddit for helping me through this and I hope all of you have a nice night.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update from the OP:
Available_Tap_9084
Wow, what an emotional roller coaster! It's amazing to see how your friendship has stood the test of time and endured through this difficult situation. It takes a lot of strength to forgive and move forward, and I truly admire that.
Wishing you all the best for the wedding, and kudos to the fiance for taking a stand against the toxic behavior. Reddit really came through with some solid advice, as always. Stay strong!
The OP responded here:
moh_throwaway1
Thank you so much! 💕
MedusaStone
Have things been clarified with the other friends, and did they apologize to OP?
Christina_Marie
All of this! It is nice that the bride apologized, but it is also on her to clear the air with the other friends and help make amends between them and OP. I can sympathize with the stress Bride was under, but it does not negate the hurt done to OP by their other friends because of her actions.
Missicat
NTA if true....just can't quite believe you were her bestie and didn't know at all what the deal was? For THREE years? And everyone else knew?
Swimming_Ad_8512
Yeah somehow everyone knew except her and groom??? Somehow her friends knew but never brought it up? Either they somehow never brought it up or the bride would've had to say not to tell her, but then the friends wouldn't be mad at her because they would've known she didn't know.
FlyFlirtyandFifty
Kudos to your friend and her fiancé for open communication (even at this late date) and for fiancé standing up to his entire family. That isn’t easy to do, but I bet it’s a weight off their shoulders. Congratulations to them and best wishes for the future. I hope you all have a blast at the wedding!!