There are intense deadlines, emotional booby traps and intricate maneuvers required to pull off your perfect day. One woman was incredibly hurt when she found out she was not going to be a part of the team at her longtime friend's wedding. But, she was very surprised to learn that her new boyfriend would be selected for the wedding party in her place.
One of my (28F) best friends, Mark (28M), just got engaged and he and his fiancée are planning to get married next Spring. For context, Mark and I have been good friends since high school.
My boyfriend (28M) has also really bonded with Mark over the past two years of us dating, and they regularly go golfing together. We have also done lots of couples' vacations/dates/outings together and were seemingly very close to Mark and his fiancée.
My boyfriend and I just recently went to their house for a party, and Mark and his fiancée asked my boyfriend (whom they know through me, and only for a couple of years) to be in the wedding party as a groomsman.
I was not asked to be a bridesmaid, so I would not be involved in the wedding party at all. When I asked Mark about this, he said it was because they wanted even numbers (5 groomsmen and 5 bridesmaids) for the wedding party, and that his fiancée already had enough bridesmaids.
I thought for sure I would be asked to be in their wedding as a bridesmaid, seeing as they were my good friends and I would have 100% included them in my wedding party if I ever got married.
So not only was I not asked to be in their wedding party, but my boyfriend, whom they'd known for all of two seconds, was. I felt very hurt that they would ask him to be a part of their big day but not me.
Just to clarify, I never expected to be asked to be in their wedding. Of course I would love to be in their wedding party because they are my friends (I have been friends with Mark since I was 16 and friends with Alisa (Mark's fiancee) for going on 8 years now) and I would love to celebrate their love and happiness, but I never ever demanded it.
If they never would have asked either of us to be in the wedding, I would have been totally fine with that. It's that they asked everyone else in our friend group to be in it, including my boyfriend. Everyone except me.
I confronted Mark about how hurt/sad/angry I was about this, especially because I don't know if my boyfriend and I will even still be together a year from now. Mark told me that he was sorry that my feelings were hurt, but he and his fiancée don't want to apologize for doing what they want with their wedding.
When Alisa (Mark's fiancee) talked to me about it, she said the only reason she didn't ask me to be in the wedding was because of the matching wedding party numbers, which was disappointing and hurtful.
I totally understand that it is their wedding and they should do what they like, but I also hoped they wouldn't exclude me like that because of wedding party numbers. I know everyone says to not make it about me - but what do you do in that situation? Not say anything at all? I just felt a little blindsided. Maybe Mark and I weren't as close as we thought. Perhaps it's all for the best.
Mark told me that this situation has impacted our friendship, especially since he doesn't think they have anything to apologize for. My boyfriend declined to be a groomsman and we haven't spoken to Mark since. AITA?
YTA. Groom has been socializing solo with your bf for two years (which you change to 'all of two seconds' at the end of your story) and selected him as a groomsman. No mention here of you socializing solo with the fiancee, and she probably picked people she was closer to.
You're not owed a spot in the bridal party just because your bf got one. You're being a bit dramatic here over a wedding that's not even yours.
After going back and forth I am going with ESH rather than Y T A because I feel like ultimately, your friends are being the bigger AHs. Mark and his fiancée should have known ahead of time that it’s kind of insulting that you’ve been his good friend since high school and he’s including your boyfriend in his wedding party and not you.
I think the considerate thing to have done was to not include you both or at least have a proper conversation with you about it. I think you crossed the line by expecting to be a bridesmaid, confronting him about it and saying that stuff about your boyfriend. The last thing was really not cool.
They sort of just blindsided you and I get why you feel so hurt. Yes, it is absolutely the bride and groom’s prerogative about who gets invited to the wedding and who is involved in the wedding party. But, they should also have some consideration as to how those decisions affect their friendships after the wedding is over.
The only non-AH here is your boyfriend. He has done nothing wrong and I feel bad that he is caught up in the middle. Anyway, it doesn’t matter whether I think you’re not an AH here. Mark thinks you are and does not want to apologize to you.
NTA I feel like you’re not upset necessarily because you weren’t in the wedding party, but because they made space for your boyfriend but not for YOU. If I’m reading it right, you feel like your boyfriend is the preferred friend now over you.
I think if he hadn’t asked your boyfriend to be the groomsman, then I would say NAH leaning on YTA. But it was a really weird move of him to ask your boyfriend and not you. Why the hell can’t you be a groomsman? It’s 2023.
NTA, this sounds incredibly hurtful and I’m honestly shocked so many people think this is completely acceptable behavior. I don’t know that it’s a friendship-breaker in itself, but I’d be lying if I said I gave the friendship the same weight after this.
Especially that your boyfriend was included over you. Aside, it feels like that might’ve been something to do with gender l, as though you couldn’t be on the groom’s side, and I have always found that kind of thinking so utterly toxic and confusing. I’m sorry that this happened to you.
UPDATE – I called Mark, and we had a good chat. Unfortunately, in the end, we couldn’t really come to a real consensus. I apologized and admitted that I didn’t go about the situation correctly. I let my emotions get the best of me, and I acted hurt and immature rather than level-headed.
However, I still don’t regret bringing it up to him (also, he ASKED me what was wrong to start that initial conversation because he knew I was a little off after the party. I didn’t just go to his house and throw a tantrum). I understand it’s their wedding and they can do what they want, but I also have the right feel how I feel about it.
So many comments suggest that I should have sucked it up and went to the wedding as a guest with a smile, but our friendship would have been impacted either way. Our main friend group is comprised of 5 girls (including me and Alisa) and 5 guys (including Mark).
She took the 3 other girls in the group as well as her sister and SIL for bridesmaids. He took the four boys and included my boyfriend as well for “matching numbers”. If they hadn’t asked my bf, I probably would have been able to suck it up and watch all my friends participate in their big day.
Would I have been hurt? Yeah. Would our friendship be impacted? Probably. But I at least would have had my bf there with me. But no, I was the one left out. It seems it truly was a numbers thing, but I just can't get that to sit right - and I've tried. You cannot tell me that isn’t hurtful.
So yes, I am an a**hole. But at least I am sticking up for myself and not allowing people who I have been friends with for years to do hurtful things just because “it’s our wedding” and “we have to have even numbers”. Friendships should matter more than that, IMO.
Thank you all for your input, no matter what it was. I truly appreciate the third-party perspectives.
So now that bf isn't going to be in it, are they dropping a bridesmaid? If they are finding a random guy to match numbers couldn't they hand done that for OP and had 6 instead of 5? This is not nice of the group.
This was exactly my thought. Considering the bride wasn't able to compromise on aesthetics, I don't know if she'll be able to compromise on numbers either. So it seems highly unlikely she would just drop a bridesmaid. If she does, good on her I guess, but I doubt it.
Either they're going to pressure OP's boyfriend, or they had a backup in place already in which case why did they even ask the boyfriend.
I can't find her an a**hole. Her initial post was about her boyfriend being invited and not her. But the comments made it clear it was the entire friend group-but not her. It sorta sucks to realise you are the 4th best friend because the numbers need to match perfectly.
I don't know if that couple think of OP as an actual friend, but if so then they ruined a friendship to have more symmetrical wedding photos. Weddings bring out the weird in people, man.
I seriously can't imagine how hurtful I would find this. I think it was unclear in the initial post the extent to which all of the rest of the group were included except her. Obviously the couple can make whatever choices they want but that doesn't mean no one can be hurt and I hate this concept that we should suck it up and not tell our close friends when they hurt us, honestly.
Even if it IS because of numbers, essentially what this is implying is that she’s their least favourite, which still sucks. Even if it’s true they shouldn’t be leaving her out and making it painfully obvious, that’s just cruel.
With the updated info that you were the Only one in the friends group Not invited NTA. I’d have been very hurt as well. Especially when the new addition, your boyfriend, was added on to ‘make the nr even’. So they cared more about superficial details than the fact that they were being very bad friends to you.
Of course nobody is entitled to be in anyone’s wedding party, but there is a point where it’s just being rude and this is it.