Indian woman's SIL pouts that her 'extravagant' wedding will outshine hers. AITA?
"AITA for calling my SIL stupid after she got upset about my wedding dresses?"
I (24F) am Indian-American. My SIL (25F) is white. We're both getting married within a few weeks of each other. My parents and in-laws are paying for most of my wedding.
My brother and SIL decided to pay for their own wedding. My parents are going to pay for the reception because the groom's parents traditionally pay for that but they're paying for everything else themselves.
My SIL invited me to go dress shopping with her yesterday. She already had her dress for the white wedding and yesterday she bought lehengas (Indian dresses) for the reception and pre-wedding event (she's condensing all the events into one day). After she bought her clothes she asked to see mine.
I did most of my wedding shopping in India. I have four lehengas, all of which are from a famous Indian bridal designer. The one that I'm wearing to my actual wedding was about $10k USD and all of them cost about $25k put together. Including jewelry and accessories, my wedding outfits cost around $50k. I didn't offer any of this information, my SIL asked me to tell her.
After I told her she was pretty shocked and asked if I'm making my parents pay for all that. I'm not, they're paying for two of the dresses and the jewelry but my fiancé's parents are paying for my reception dress because they're hosting the reception and my mom's brother paid for my wedding dress because the bride's maternal uncle traditionally pays for the wedding dress.
My SIL said that just one of my dresses costs more than her only one and my wedding is probably going to overshadow hers because mine is two weeks before and the guests are probably going to be talking about how her SIL had nicer dresses and a much more extravagant wedding.
I said that she's being stupid and hardly anybody will even remember what I wore at my wedding. I'm generally pretty soft spoken and I don't cuss so calling someone stupid is about as harsh as I get. She got upset and left my house looking like she was about to cry.
Later my brother called and said that she's really sad and that I should have lied or changed the topic. I'm a really bad liar and I don't know how I could have changed the topic when she was there to see my dresses.
My SIL and I have been good friends since before she was with my brother and she's always been very emotional. She'll probably be over it by Monday at the latest but I feel bad about upsetting her. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA, though i am curious about why she and your brother felt like they had to decline help from your parents. When there's that big a disparity between wedding budgets and family support it's usually because there's some underlying tension somewhere.
Maybe they just preferred to keep it low key and under their control and she had last minute envy when she saw how luxe your setup is. If she usually calms down, reach out in a couple of days and ask her how she's doing.
Edited to say now that I've seen your dresses she's absolutely having last minute envy. Those are gorgeous 😍
The OP responded here:
SIL wanted no more than 80 people of her wedding, my parents had a list of about 30 more they wanted to invite. They were willing to give them money even if they didn’t invite all of them but my SIL didn’t want the pressure.
Well it sounds like she didn’t want to make the compromises it would take for her to have a grander wedding.
Question, what kind of tone was SIL taking with you when she was making the comments about your dress outshining hers? it's difficult to read whether she was being accusatory or was just speaking in the spur of the moment out of shock at the price of your wedding outfits.
While I don't think you're the AH I would maybe try and cut her some slack, because it though I think it was tacky to bring it up with you I do have empathy with her feelings.
Mostly because I actually think she's probably right that people will compare the two (not your fault, to be clear) given that two siblings are getting married so close together- it's unfortunately a situation that will invite comparison. And also because inter-cultural marriages tend to invite a lot more scrutiny anyway.
It sounds like she's already quite sensitive to the pressure of her wedding measuring up, enough so to turn down the financial support of her fiance's parents.
It's literally not your fault at all, but I can get why she's bricking it a bit- I don't care about designer brands at all but I would probably also feel extremely humbled if my SIL was getting married a week before me in 25k worth of gorgeous outfits.
The OP again responded:
She sounded like she wanted me to feel guilty about spending so much when she didn’t (even though she could have if she’d let my parents pay)
Ah that's a shame. Your dresses are insanely gorgeous so I can see why she was probably seething with jealously, but also it is completely unfair of her to take that out on you given that it was completely her choice to forgo the help from your parents. On to the real question: do you have a second brother...
The OP again responded:
I do, why?
So I can marry him and get to wear a dress as sublime as yours (it was a dumb joke haha)
After all of the comments flooded in, the OP returned with some thoughtful updates:
My fiancé and I chose our date first. Our birthdays are one day apart and we decided to get married on the day in between.
My brother and SIL chose their date because it wasn’t as expensive as the other dates they considered and the weather is good in their honeymoon destination around that time of year.
I’ve realized that even if I’m NTA I’d rather not risk losing my friendship with her over something so minor. I’m going to call her in the morning and apologize.