Office introvert 'politely' asks female coworker to never talk to him. AITA?
'AITA for asking a female co-worker if they could possibly leave me alone?'
Long story short, I am not exactly comfortable around women, and I do what I can to minimize my interactions with females as much as I can. Has nothing to with capablitles or anything I just get extremely uncomfortable.
We have a new hire that has been trying to get to know people around the office better, and I happen to just excuse myself when she comes around. Thankfully I work in the field a lot so I am often alone.
So it does not happen often, but when I do come to the office she keeps trying to befriend or talk to me. I am civil and polite I say hello, and can handle idle chit-chat, even if it is visibility uncomfortable for me.
She brought this up with my friend in the office and he explained the situation, and since then it seems she has made it her mission to have me open up. On Friday I asked if she could leave me alone please, that I have no intention to become her friend or open up.
She lashed out and called me a misogynistic a**hole. I thought it over the weekend and it has been racking my brain. Am I really the asshole for not wanting to put myself in uncomfortable situations if I can avoid it.
If I have to take her out in the field or help explain my drafts I will push through, since it is work related. I still get uncomfortable but it is what it is. Those are situations I cannot avoid, but general interactions I do not think it is wrong of me to limit those when possible.
On the other hand, I also understand this is a me problem, I go to therapy but that only does so much. This is something rooted in trauma and I am not comfortable writing about it. She should not be punished for my own issues.
So AITA?
Update:
Thanks for all the replies was not expecting this many. I am going to talk my boss about this since we have to head up to NY. So we can talk about this on the drive to the airport.
I do not want to bring this up with HR cause I do not want her to get reprimanded or writen up over a first offense. I will see what my boss has to say. She is a talented drafter, I do not want to lose her over this.
I will provide an update after this week. I hope we can agree to let it go.
One last edit: I had no idea female and women could not be used interchangeably. English was never my strong suit, as you can clearly see by my grammar and syntax usage.
I am a math and science guy.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
You need therapy. You will have many female coworkers. You will have female bosses. You will never have female employees because you won't get promoted until you fix these issues you have. You are limiting yourself and alienating your coworkers. This will be noticed.
Good luck.
The OP responded here:
I am in therapy, and overall I am okay where I am at in my job. Sadly, therapy is not some magic bullet that is capable of fixing all forms of trauma. I have been at this for years.
Honestly I’d say YTA. It would be my biggest dream to say this to my co-worker if they were annoying, but instead I decide to exit the situation and say my pleasantries to keep the peace.
Her talking to you in order to build a good rapport with her teammate is normal even though it’s annoying. Her wanting you to see her as a human being. You telling her that you don’t want to know her as a person because she’s a woman is not normal.
You said in your own post that you barely see her most of the time. You’re at work and just like you would handle a client, you handle a co-worker. If she gets to a point that crosses the line, inform management.
Edit: things already said: “What if the role reversed” It would still be bad
“Why women can do this but not men” They can’t unless they properly disclose this beforehand. If it does happen then bad
“You hate men” No, I really don’t. I know there are issues that men have that I will never understand or will try to invalidate or say my struggles are worse then men because we are all individuals with struggles.
“She should have left him alone” She was not appropriately notified about his trauma. His friends explaining things is not sufficient. This should have been mediated by management. I’m done thx.
Literally most women have experienced trauma at the hands of men, and we still have to be polite to them. I'm mentally ill with severe anxiety so I'm not trying to be dismissive, but you can't just treat an entire half of the world differently based on an arbitrary characteristic.
People here would have a lot less sympathy if it was your black or gay coworker you were this uncomfortable around.
ESH, and I genuinely wish you well in your healing journey.
I was searching for a comment like this. So many people saying 'switch the genders!' but forgetting that statistically 1/3 approx of woman actually are in this situation already (depending on country of course) and have to just put on a smile and cope.
Eh ESH. You have a right to decline to engage in personal conversations, but you acknowledge yourself that when she comes around you walk away and you treat her differently because she’s a woman.
That’s where you became an issue. If you’re unpleasant to everyone and refuse to speak personally with everyone, that’s totally fine, but you are genuinely describing singling her out. That is a problem, it’s against nearly every workplace policy and you can get in huge trouble for it.
Further to that, the historic and current oppression women face does matter, even if your intentions aren’t misogynistic. Imagine if you were doing this to a POC, it would and should be a huge red flag to your employer and opens them up to liability.
You are free to avoid whoever you like in your personal life, but at work you have to do your level best to treat everyone the same. You can be antisocial to everyone, or you can stop being antisocial to her specifically. She also shouldn’t attempt to be your friend, that’s why she sucks.
You don’t have to be friends with anyone, but again, you are singling her specifically out for an immutable and protected characteristic, by your own admission. This is not okay in a workplace. You’ll have to find another way to be comfortable and at least polite.
For what it’s worth, I work in HR and the specific violations are under harassment, anti-bullying, and anti-discrimination policy.
You may want to check what your employer and state say specifically but I know nearly every training I have given and taken has mentioned singling someone out, especially for sex, race, sexual orientation, disability or perceived reproductive status, as a HUGE no-no.
Edit: and yes, these rules do extend to non-work related conversations. If I’m talking to three people at the water cooler and every time you come around I end the conversation and disperse the group by being “visibly uncomfortable” - I am singling you out.
I would still be subject to anti-bullying discipline. Which is fair honestly. If you’re professional to someone but make every “good morning” a living hell for them, it is a problem that affects their ability to do their job. It’s not high school where you’re allowed to have cliques where people are made to feel not included.
Funnily enough, these rules are a result of women being locked out of promotions and similar perks because they weren’t included in boys clubs. So cliques are taken seriously in many workplaces, and should be.