'I’m about to go on medical leave, but I’m also hoping to take my long-delayed honeymoon.' UPDATED 3X
"I’m about to go on medical leave, but I’m also hoping to take my long-delayed honeymoon."
My husband and I eloped in December, and our dream honeymoon location is one where the weather at that time of year isn’t ideal, so we decided to push it back until August, our other anniversary. My coworkers even had a post-wedding show for me in which they had a money tree to contribute to our honeymoon fund.
In the intervening time (and honestly, for a very long time), I’ve struggled with severe chronic insomnia. I’ve used up the majority of my leave time (vacation and sick) on it, and am about to go on intermittent FMLA after a particularly bad month so that my job is protected during future flare-ups.
My coworkers are supportive and understanding, and my boss understands but also feels very strongly that my attendance needs to improve. I agree, but until I can get under better treatment (I’m waiting for a specialist to open up), I’m at the mercy of my illness.
The nature of my particular beast is that when I have flare-ups I can either take a couple hours in the morning (usually after laying in bed for five to six hours, I can finally get some sleep) and catch a few hours of sleep and be functional for six hours a day, or I can come in to work and be falling asleep at my desk and barely minimally functional for eight hours a day.
I do get my work done, and for the coverage-related aspects of my job we have several others in my position that help cover when I miss those few hours, and I do my absolute best to never miss a full day of work.
I’m very good at what I do, perhaps one of the best on my position at our organization, and I love my job and my work, and I’ve tried to express that so that I’m not seen as trying to take advantage or be flighty.
I believe that my boss takes me seriously and takes my illness seriously, but she also has made several remarks about my attendance that give me the impression she thinks I can just power through it and I’m choosing to have poor attendance.
I’m concerned that attitude will result in her denying me unpaid time off in August for my honeymoon, because “I should have thought of it when I was taking so much time off.”
We’ve already booked our week-long stay (the location is extremely popular) and it’s a known fact amongst the entire office that I’m going thanks to the shower. The only reason it’s not “on the books” at work is because nobody submits leave that early here.
I won’t be quitting if I can’t take this time off, but it would be hugely demoralizing because my husband and I have been trying to take this trip quite literally years and we’re finally financially able to make it happen.
I left my last job because they went back on their word about giving me a flexible schedule for school and time to take off for this trip when I was planning it originally several years ago, but I can’t leave without having something else lined up.
The rash part of me wants to mention my last job and the reason I left, but the sensible part thinks that’s not too smart. I know it’s perfectly legal for her to deny me that unpaid time off because of my illness-related absences but is there any way I can try to talk through the situation with her?
I’m also concerned if I bring the leave to her now, she’ll make me promise to have fewer absences between now and then … which I can’t promise. Is there a script I can use to talk to her about this?
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
This is a very soon update, but after the urgency in some of the comments I got I felt I really needed to push forward and talk to my boss ASAP (sorry, letter-writer who hates that term!), which I did today and it was a very positive interaction!
I used your script plus a few elements from the comments and highlighted my decreasing absences and listed some of the techniques I was using to try and stay ahead of the curve. She surprised me by letting me know she’d seen and noticed the improvement herself and she was very proud and excited to see that I was finding some methods to help mitigate my illness’s effects.
When I brought up my honeymoon she was, as commenters had predicted, vaguely aware of the trip and the approximate summer time of it but was naturally not thinking very much about it like I was.
She was actually very excited for me and asked about where we were going and such, and the whole conversation was much more relaxed than I feared it would be. She didn’t give me a firm absolutely go or a firm absolutely not, but said that if I can keep a similar level of absences that I’m at right now (1-2 hours a week), barring any major flare-ups she sees no problems with me taking that week off.
I also came to her with a game plan of my specialist schedules and how I was going to handle each of their needs leading up to and returning from my trip and what other admins I hoped to collaborate with on it, and she was really receptive to that as well.
I feel like while a small part of me is disappointed I didn’t get an enthusiastic and unconditional yes, I knew that was extremely unlikely and I think this is the best possible outcome all things considered.
I think my homework paid off, as did a lot of the comments helping give me some perspective and clarity, even if some of them got me a little emotional. I also realized my situation is much different from what others think of when they think admin and I’m lucky to be where I am.
And I also learned that despite my word-vomit, I’m still not all that great at explaining what I mean in just one attempt! That’s something to work on though as I proceed through the rest of my career.
Thank you so much for your help and the script and for the supportive and informational comments. Thanks to a few commenters I even discovered a couple of new avenues for treating my insomnia that I hadn’t tried before that I am excited to pursue.
I hope to be writing back one last time in August with confirmation of a wonderful honeymoon and hopefully some sleep-filled nights. :) Thank you again Alison and commenters!
Two and a half months later, the OP returned with another update.
I have a sad update to this tale. Just over a week before I was scheduled to leave I got my leave form back, and it was denied. I was given the excuse that it was “policy,” but I was told unofficially by another department head that I’m close to that there is no such policy at the org and it’s at the discretion of the supervisor, so I’m not sure why she gave that excuse, but either way I’m now not going to be taking the trip.
It’s extremely disappointing because all unofficial indications pointed to me being allowed to go, and my previous talk with my supervisor had been positive, but I knew this was a possibility.
I am frustrated that they waited so late to let me know since if I’d known a month ago I might have been able to get some money back on our lodging, but after the responses to the first letter were so strong about not booking until you have signed leave forms I realized I’d fudged up there and I just have to suck it up and take the hit.
Thankfully no activities were booked yet so the financial damage is relatively minimal, and we are going to keep what we had scraped together in a separate account for whenever we are able to take the trip.
Four months later, the OP returned with their final update.
I’ve finally settled in on this, thanks to a huge crazy set of circumstances in my life that started with a family emergency for my new husband and have culminated in us moving across town into a house from an apartment, a move we were not even close to expecting and accomplished in the span of one week.
Through all of that, my boss has been remarkably supportive of the situation, even sharing a situation with her husband that was very similar to what had happened with mine.
I never did speak directly with her about why my leave was denied the way it was and all of the reasoning behind it, but I’ve managed to let it go. My work did suffer for a few weeks, but it was such a hectic time for the month after I would have returned, I don’t think anyone noticed. With everything that has happened since, it seems much less important.
Also, I now recognize how much the lack of sleep and the recovery from that was affecting my emotional stability, which I think a few comments pointed out. I’ve now been able to sleep properly for several months and I feel incredible because of it.
I’m remembering things I would have almost immediately forgotten before, and I’m just overall back to my over-achiever self, which I definitely needed because our lives have been extra difficult the past month or so.
I appreciate the advice from AAM and all of the commenters, even though I wasn’t necessarily the best sport about it, and I’m so pleased to report that it seems like I’ve truly solved the insomnia issue that’s plagued me for most of my life.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I don't understand workplaces where you can book time off months in advance and not know if you're getting it until a week before, even taking a week to approve it isn't the norm anywhere I've worked (in the UK)
Insomnia is so awful. Especially because a lot of people don’t understand just how debilitating it can be.
The policy excuse is the most infuriating part. Either there is a policy and no one can explain it, or it’s just vibes and manager discretion pretending to be rules. Waiting until a week before is straight up cruel. At least solved their insomnia issue.
My wife booked off the Friday before, and the week after our wedding so we could take some time to ourselves. We weren't planning on going anywhere specific, but figured we might go on a bit of a road trip to see some family that couldn't make the wedding. She had the vacation time available, and asked months in advance. We figured we were all good.
The week of the wedding she was told it was denied. She pushed and was told that she could have the Monday and Tuesday, but they couldn't spare her longer than that. She ended up complaining higher up, and I think got the Friday before the wedding as well, but that was it. She didn't stay very long after that.
I can't imagine booking a trip until I had written confirmation of the time off.
As someone who suffers from severe insomnia, I find it interesting that she calls it an illness and describes experiencing insomnia as a "flare-up". I'm not saying it's wrong, nothing like that. I had just never thought about it that way before.
I usually call it a sleep disorder and a period of insomnia disordered sleeping. An illness and a flare-up is words I'd instinctively use for something that physically or emotionally hurts. I guess the consequences of insomnia are indeed painful... it was just interesting to get a fresh perspective on my insomnia!
Anyways I'm thrilled for her that she was able to heal. Insomnia has been a massive burden in my life, clearly it was much the same for her. I'm sad for her that her honeymoon was ruined by her boss, I hope she'll be able to take the trip some time in the future.