Bella recently went viral when she posted screenshots of texts from her now-ex boyfriend who cheated on her. In the texts, he launches into an epic, insane explanation for cheating, in which he ultimately claims he had to accept a blow job from a woman at a bar in order to cure cancer.
Yes, I am serious, Fred Armisen. The story begins, like so many cheating sagas, with booze.
"I didn't even get head tho babe," he argued. Before telling a story of how he got head. His story continues:
Okay, so just to paraphrase his argument: if this man had turned down this woman's generous blow job offer, she could have left the bar, walked into the street drunk and gotten hit by a car (that's how badly she wanted to give this guy a blow job!). But the car accident isn't even the most tragic part of this hypothetical story: the hypothetical guy driving the car has hypothetical kids. Their dad is arrested, so they grow up without a father. Growing up in a structureless single parent home, they end up on the streets instead of pursuing their true passions: becoming a doctor and a lawyer. And apparently the hypothetical doctor, or the hypothetical lawyer (as a side hobby?), was the one to have found "the solution" for cancer.
So there you go, this man HAD to accept this woman's blow job, to save "everyone" from cancer (because we're all going to get it eventually, I guess?).
Bella shared screenshots of their one-way conversation (because as you can see, she did not respond to his plea to take him back), and they quickly went viral:
People are divided. Because even though this might be one of the most bullshit excuse for cheating ever recorded, this guy's dedication to trying to get away with it is... inspiring people. And many even seem to think she should take him back.
But others agree??
And now everyone is arguing about whether she should take back this cancer-curing hero, or dump this cheating liar.
Others think she should leave him, but not because of the cheating:
None of the internet's opinion on this subject really matters though, because clearly Bella is NOT taking him back.