"For a good time, call the slut he cheated on me with."
Such a shame. Usually public declarations of love made during convenience store bowel movements go so well. We had high hopes for these two, from the moment they walked into that 7Eleven together. Matt even used the condom dispenser on the wall, so you knew he really cared. But alas, they've gone their separate ways. We read on a bathroom stall at Taco Bell that Jessica is currently "f**king everyone." Meanwhile, we have it on good authority (a urinal at Best Buy) that Matt has entered a happy, fulfilling relationship with your Mom.