Since the dawn of time, humans have been doing stupid and embarrassing things in the name of love (or at least in the name of attempting to hook up with the other human that they have a crush on). A recent AskReddit thread posed a simple question to all of the thirsty humans who have done stupid things in the name of hooking up: "What is the most outrageous/stupid thing you have done in hopes of having sex?"
Here are 10 of the dumbest things people ever did for a chance at getting laid.
1. greencaptain needs to get better at giving hints.
SO in shower, we hadn't even gone to 3rd base, and I laid on the floor by the door hoping that she would take the hint and take it upon herself to climb on top of me and make THAT our special moment. I ended up just sadly laying on the floor.
2. shyrra took a very long drive to take advantage of a very short layover.
Drove 2.5 hours (each way) to an airport where a girl had 45 minutes between connecting flights.
Worked though, did it in the airport parking garage, no regrets.
Started smoking. Got laid for 3 months. Still have the habit 20yrs later.
Fuck you Amanda.
4. I must say, I have nothing but respect for Cookingforaxl.
You people are lame. Here's what happened to ME the time I tried to get a man to come home with me:
I was newly single and had gone on a ski trip with several friends. On the trip I hooked up with one of the guys - no big deal, fun evening, yada yada. We parted ways after the trip convened.
Several weeks later I am invited out by friends to a fancy pants night club. I'm jazzed because I got invited, and also because it was a nice place and I could go pretend to be one of the beautiful people in my town. I dress in a nice pair of fitted wool slacks, a matching long wool coat, understated jewelry and trendy boots. Yep, looking good girl! I say to myself on the way to the club.
I arrive and it's me and 4 men, one of whom is hook-up dude from the ski trip. No problem, we all laugh and flirt and have a good time drinking expensive martinis. The guys decide they want to go to a strip club. Not to be left out, of course now I want to go because a. it's too early to go home and b. I got all dressed and shit, might as well go somewhere else. (And I like strip clubs anyway.) So we all head to the nearest club which happens to be the skankiest one in town.
We settle ourselves in and within an hour three of the four guys left the club, leaving ski-trip hook up dude and me. He plants himself at the stage and is happily waving dollars around. He is quite drunk. I leave, feeling a little rejected because, you know. Strippers command attention.
I go to my car but before I get in I think to myself, "self, you are a fine, good looking woman! And you want a little sumpin sumpin, so just go back in there and GET THAT MAN." I draw myself up to my full 5'4", stick my hands in my pockets and strut across the parking lot, determined to be the confident modern woman I see on television.
With my eyes focused on the entrance I do not see - not even a teensy, tiny bit - do not see the large white concrete tire stopper in the parking lot. I tripped over it. Well, I didn't just trip, I launched over it as if my boots had suddenly discharged tiny rockets from their heels. My hands flew out to stop my fall but I was moving too fast. I skidded across the gravel parking lot on my chest, coming to a stop a good three feet from the concrete block. In my shock and pain, I still didn't actually see what happened. I thought a car hit me.
Now, dear Redditors, this is the moment when most of you would have crawled back into your car and called it a night. But no - I was on a mission, damn it! I got up and took inventory. My slacks were torn at the knee. Both palms were bloody and had pebbles embedded in them. My shirt was torn. Snot was coming out of my nose. My navy blue coat was grey with dust. I walked to the door man. He took a step back and asked what happened. I told him I needed to go back in to get my 'friend.' He stepped aside and I marched in, determined now more than ever to get Ski hook up to come home with me.
Mr. Ski dude is still where I left him, happily stuffing dollars into a girl's panties. I sat down next to him. He turned his head and in a very shocked voice said, "Oh My God, what happened?" I held out both bloody palms and shouted (because it was loud in there) "I FELL!" He picked up some soggy cocktail napkins and tried to blot up the blood. Then, his face changes and he says, "why did you come back in here?"
AND THAT's WHEN I MADE MY MOVE.
I wiped the snot and dirt off my face. I smiled sexily back at him. I tilted my head and said, "I came for you."
He recoils. Like, almost off the chair. I wait for his answer and finally he says, "uhhh, I want to stay." That hangs in the air for a couple of awkward seconds. He turns back to the stage. I sat there with a few balled up napkins stuck to my palms.
I was defeated. I got up from my seat at the stage and realize I was just rejected by a man I had ALREADY HAD SEX WITH. Man, that stung. But my hands were hurting even more. I went to the bathroom which, if you've never been in a strip club, also doubles as the girls dressing room. I walked in and immediately one of the dancers grabbed my hand, took me to the sink and tried to wash out the grit. Others helped by blotting the blood off my knee and smoothing my hair. Bless those women. I don't know if they witnessed my complete humiliation but none said a word. They cleaned me up and sent me on my way.
Some months later, I happened to see Ski Dude again. Quietly, so nobody could hear, I looked him in the eye and said, "look, dude. If a girl comes to you bleeding from four different places, her clothing torn and dirty, and says she wants you to take her home, what she really wants is to GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM, got it?" He nodded. I stalked off indignantly. If I couldn't get laid, at least I could get the last word.
I still have a pebble embedded in my palm as a reminder of my worst attempt at getting laid in my entire life
5. shinyhappycat had a particularly cringeworthy karaoke performance. Yikes.
Did karaoke. I chose "My neck, my back" and sung it directly at the person I wanted to shag. Yeah, didn't work!
6. I wonder if Y0URmathT3ACH3R has watched Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. This story has essentially the same plot.
Sorry, this is long: A female teacher and I started at our first year teaching the same year. She was married and ended up separating and moving across the country at the end of the year. Didnt know her that well so a year goes by without seeing or talking to her. I end up seeing her at the store when she was visiting her friends and family. We talk and she tells me where she moved and that she liked it and in the process of getting a divorce... How you doin? We begin to email and talk on the phone fairly regularly, and it seems we both enjoy talking to each other. Six months later it's Christmas and she is back in town and we have dinner and a movie. Get a little handsy. We continue to talk on the phone and since i wasnt tied down, i was looking to move somewhere, i made the most sense to check out where she moved to, so i did, liked it(i liked her so, i liked it) and i got a job at a school, bought a condo, and moved across the country. I told myself and others it was just a change of venue and this was a good place, but let's face it, I moved for her. Not for sex so much as a relationship. We continued to talk everyday until the move and I visited twice more that school year. My friends and I drove across the country and start getting my place set up. They didnt really know her so we make plans to hang out that night. We go out to some bars and i notice she is acting kind of weird. After an hour or so, she introduces me to a guy she knows. (See where this is going) Turns out the guy isnt just a guy she knows but the guy she is seeing. The school I was employed at sucked, it was an at-risk school, but the principal failed to tell me that even after I inquired many times. The housing market also dropped so the condo wasnt worth very much. I ended up staying the year then moving back to my first school. There's more but that's most of it. TLDR: moved across the country for a girl, she starts dating someone else
7. A lot of us made the mistake of paying to see this movie, TooBadFucker. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Paid actual money to sit in a theater and watch Twilight 2. It worked though.
8. rise2glory's story has a heartbreaking ending.
Used to have a thing with this girl but she was only living in my town working and she was let go and moved hours away. We were friends on Facebook but I stopped talking as she was out of sight out of mind as sorts. Anyway out drinking with my friends and was going hard as was after watching Man Utd play at 1 that day and we all support them so we were going hard.
Around 9pm we heard that a pub down the road was having a party and all of us super drunk go and I thought I saw her but I couldn't be sure so i said I was seeing things until phone beeped and message on facebook from her are you in _______ pub?????
ended up going over and necking on all was well. She was staying in her friends for the night and wanted me to come but I was super drunk and tired as was drinking for about 14 hours at this stage. I said no said goodbye and went home. Woke at 4am and was still drunk saw she drunk messaged me also was clear if I went I was guaranteed sex.
Problem was she was staying in a friends house on a private estate about 8 miles out of town and I was far too drunk to drive and where I'm from a small town a taxi at 4 is impossible. I DECIDED TO WALK. The whole road up is pitch black and the only reason I didn't get lost was because my mate lived on the road and had walked it many times drunk but never alone and it was so eerie.
I reached the estate and, somehow, managed to scale a 10 foot wall I land down and .... SHIT... the whole lane of the estate is pitch black and no lights and I turn on my phones flash and I had 8% battery. Now I've been in the estate before but did not know it and had no clue where the house was but know 8% wasn't enough to get there. Every bone in my body was telling me this was a terrible idea and to go back but the chance of sex was there so I went halfway to the house. Phone died.
After 2 hours in the dark finally found the house got there and boom. Forgot a condom. SMH
9. We're glad that bacon helped lavachequipisse find their way back to their true self.
Became a vegetarian for 9 long months. Not even a grope before a dirty bacon sandwich brought me back to my senses.
10. This is pretty smooth. Well played, diab0lus.
Crashed a funeral at a church by myself for someone I didn't know. Signed the guest book, paid respects, etc. Fortunately no one asked me any questions. The girl I was trying to hook up with was hired to sing at the funeral. She thought it was hilarious that I showed up. During the ceremony I texted her a comment about how easy it would be to clean bukkake from the cathedral floor. It was entertaining watching her try to fight back laughter while sitting behind the priest conducting the funeral.
The hook up attempt was successful.