The stages of every relationship, as told through farting etiquette (fartiquette).

The stages of every relationship, as told through farting etiquette (fartiquette).
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An etiquette guide for the evolution of farting manners between you and your significant other.

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Where are you at in your dating life? Is everything flossing, butterflies and afternoon sex? Or have you slogged through every episode of each critically acclaimed HBO program to avoid talking to each other, and are now moving on to (shudder) basic cable? One way to analyze the slow disintegration of a romantic relationship is how you treat each other's farts. Here's the break down:

0-2 months:​ You get your farts out at home, then change your entire outfit in case anything’s lingering.

As far as you both know, neither of you has ever farted in your entire life. 

2-4 months:​ You fart a few feet from the door.

You're relaxing a bit. Maybe you've even eaten kimchi together. But farts are still outdoors ONLY!

4-6 months: You fart in the bathroom then spend twenty minutes airing it out.

You spend too much time together to successfully squeeze every toot out in the open air. Plus, you're ordering in a lot, and take-out food makes you gassy.

6-9 months:​ You fart by accident and both pretend it didn’t happen.

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Probably while you're planning a weekend get-away. You're relaxed and excited. Something slips loose, but you're both still too polite with each other to make jokes about bodily functions.

9 months-A year: You fart by accident and you both giggle. All bets are off.

It's during sex. 

2+ years: You discuss the sound quality and aromatic bouquet of your farts.

The human body is fascinating in its grossness, and you have unfettered intimate access to your partner's. Sometimes you hear more than you want to, but the juice is worth the squeeze.

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7+ years: You fart on each other.

Nothing keeps a LTR fresh like pinning down your partner, farting in their face, and running off while laughing maniacally. You have basically become siblings at this point.

15+ years: You fart to end arguments.

Things are getting stale. Staler than farts. You need to address your problems head on, not obscure them with clouds of gas from your personal tail pipe.

Anytime or on Death Bed: You accidentally shart. 

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Relationship over.

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