Redditor abandonedfiancee (a wildly appropriate username) is asking the internet for advice on whether or not she should go through with marrying her fiancé. Recently, he bolted when they were getting mugged, leaving her alone with two robbers who had her at knifepoint.
This happened about eight months ago, and I’ve tried to be reasonable and put it past me but I’m really struggling. I’ve been told what he did was reasonable, makes sense, etc, but I keep coming back to that moment of total abandonment and fear when I realized he’d run. I just feel completely alone around him now.
We were walking home from a work function at a bar at around 1am. Neither of us had drunk that evening so we weren’t even slightly tipsy. Two guys across the street from us crossed over and approached us asking if we knew where such-and-such a street was. As fiancé turned around to point out where the street was, one of the guys pulled out a knife and told us to stop moving and to give him all our shit (phone, wallet, etc). I was surprised by how calm I was in the moment, and told them I needed to reach into my coat pocket to get my phone. As I was doing that, the guy pressed the knife against my ribs as warning because I guess he was worried I had a gun (even though that’s pretty unlikely in my country). When this happened, my fiancé bolted. It took me a bit to even realize he’d left me, and when I realized that he’d run I was certain I was about to get badly hurt or die.
Fortunately, the thieves seemed to get kind of spooked by him getting away and just hurried me up. They took my phone, bag (with my purse with all my money, cards, personal effects), necklace (worth like ten bucks) and legged it. The whole ordeal from start to finish took maybe five minutes.
It is not that unusual for someone to be abandoned by their partner when things get rough, but this woman was abandoned literally.
I was kind of in shock and wandered off back up the street, heading back towards the bar, not even really thinking. A few minutes later my fiancé found me and told me he called the police, who arrived about ten minutes later.
I found out that fiancé had run about a block away, calling emergency services as he ran. We were both okay physically, except for a tiny bit of broken skin on my ribs where they’d pressed the knife.
My fiancé says what he does makes sense – that if he’d hung around and it turns out they’d wanted to hurt us or worse, we’d both be fucked because no one else would be around to call the cops or an ambulance. That he wanted to be alive and able to help in case something happened to me. He also says that by running away, the thieves didn’t want to hang around any longer than necessary (which is true), which might have saved me. His mum agrees and has praised him for not being an idiot, but my own mother has quietly told me she thinks he’s a coward for abandoning his wife-to-be (but she also has very oldschool beliefs about gender roles). Fiancé asked me not to tell our friends exactly what happened, because he says they wouldn’t understand his actions unless they were there.
Despite her best efforts, abandonedfiancee still can't help but feel like she is an abandoned fiancée.
My own thoughts are that, by running away, he potentially significantly decreased my chance of survival. I’m only about 157cm (5’2”) and 51kgs (110lbs). He’s 178cm (5’10”) and 75kg (165lbs). The two guys were about his size. They would have been able to easily overpower/subdue me, but my fiancé there would have made it 2v2 (although we would have still been at a disadvantage, them still having a knife and size advantage) and not left me completely at the mercy of two criminals who mug couples at night. I also wonder, what would have happened if him leaving me had given them the courage to do something worse? I mean, I don't think they would have - they seemed pretty strung out, interested in valuables and cash only - but what if?
I look at him and wonder, do I even want kids with him? If I did have a child with him, would he abandon him or her in a dangerous situation because it was the ‘smart’ thing to do?
I’ve lost a lot of attraction to him. He accuses me of wanting to use him as a meatshield just because he’s a man, and that what he did was smart and not the machismo stupidity I ‘wanted’ that could have gotten us both killed. I didn’t want him to try to fight them… I just wanted him by my side. Which I guess is selfish, because it was a dangerous situation. I don’t feel safe around him anymore, which I used to. I’m even scared of the dark again, despite him lying in bed right next to me.
As I'm typing this, I kind of feel like Lex in Jurassic Park, after being ditched by the lawyer - "He left us! He left us!". Stupid thing to add, but I keep thinking of that scene!
I don’t know what to think. He doesn’t want to see a counsellor because, again, he says they wouldn’t understand the situation unless they’d experienced it themselves. We fortunately don’t have a wedding date set, so there’s no immediate pressure of marriage. Please help!
What do you think she should do? Could you ever forgive your significant other for leaving you to fend for yourself while getting robbed with a knife pressed up against your ribs?
Yeah, me either.