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First dates are a special human ritual that always start out with the best intentions, and often end up being an absolute nightmare. Because awful experiences are more fun in retrospect, people love sharing bad first date stories on various outlets like Reddit, Twitter, and Reddit again. These 23 people survived their harrowing first dates, but for the sake of the human race, let's hope these were all unique experiences never to be lived again.

1. Let supermin082's be a lesson for all: don't try mushrooms before a first date.

I went on a blind date when I was 16 to dinner and a movie. We went to go see 'I still know what you did last summer.' I got peer pressured into taking mushrooms for the first time (Id never done ANY drugs before). I ate them with a few friends that tagged along for dinner. We went to the movies after dinner, just us two. Well, at the beginning of the movie Jennifer Love Hewitt wakes up from a nightmare screaming, I proceeded to scream and run out of the theater. The rest of the night for me finished in this order: called dad from the payphone and told him I was tripping balls (60s dad, he understood). Stayed in fetal position out front of the theater. Girls dad picks her up with her crying, he kicks me angrily asking what my problem was. Dad picks me up. Dad drives me home while on the way looking at me and moving his mouth without saying anything just to fuck with me. Dad tells me to go to my room and don't talk to my mom. I have a conversation with my cat and black out.

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2. If seeing a movie on a first date, it's good to play it safe. MrF33 learnt this the hard way.

Took her to see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, which she had never heard of.

So much ass rape.

There was no second date.

3. There's never any reason to be wasteful, like @goblindick's date. Also, don't go to cemeteries.

4. The girl who clogged her date's toilet then carried her poop around in her purse exemplifies why you shouldn't go number two on a number one date.

5. Sometimes first dates go well—until they don't, like MetalandGerman's.

Backstory:

I worked in the stockroom of a retail store in college. One day a new girl starts working back there with me. She is attractive and to my delight is flirty and seems interested in me. I am working up the courage ask her out, when one day she is beckoned on to the sales floor and returns with a boxed lunch with a rose. "Well, shit," I thought and figured my options were gone.

Time goes on and she is still flirty but engaging but I never think anything else of it because I figured she has a boyfriend.

Fast forward a few weeks and as we are talking she up and asks me out. I thought it was a bit weird but as I was just finally getting away from me nerdy, awkward, shy personality I had all throughout high school, I was too desperate to have a pretty girl just give me attention for any alarm bells to really be going off.

So we set up the date and go to a local bar for $1 pint night (her suggestion. I swear I'm not that cheap). We hit the ground running and just proceed to get blasted. We are hitting it off well and things are going better than I really could have hoped. I even bring up the whole lunch/rose delivery at work a few weeks ago. To which she just responds, "Oh, yeah we aren't together anymore." Again, not trying to think too much of it because I am too blinded by the fact that a girl is giving me such attention.

We shut the place down, and walk out of the bar. she invites me back to her car, which I promptly accept knowing that there was no chance in hell either of us was going to actually drive anywhere.

As soon as the car doors close we are on each other. I feel like this one drunken make out is one of the greatest things to happen to me. I am flying high and feeling great. Like something has finally started to click in how I socialize.

Right when I hit this emotional peak is obviously when things start to go down hill.

Out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of a guy parked in the next car over just mean mugging the everloving shit out of us. Too emotionally retarded to appreciate the gravity of what was happening, I try and make a joke to her about it.

Her response: "Oh that is my boyfriend." My perception was a little clouded, but I seem to remember her saying it in a very matter-of-fact way.

He starts screaming to get out of the car, which we both do. Lucky for me, the boyfriend pretty much ignores me, but goes right for her. Screaming, yelling, the lot. It seems like just words for awhile but at what point I think I see his hand on her. I go up to them both in what I assume is an attempt to break it up

And that's when the lights officially go out. At some point after I approached I apparently raised my fist and he then proceeded to hit me first. I fall back and hit my head on the pavement. I wake up in the hospital, and am greeted by a police officer asking me how I was feeling, to which I just shouted "I got knocked out."

And that's the point when I realized at some point I had pissed myself while I was knocked out, which really just put the rotten cherry right on top of the fucked up turd and shame sundae that was my night

So that is the story about, hands down, the worst date and most pathetic night of my entire life

TL;DR: Girl asks me out, actually has boyfriend, piss myself

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6. Rarely is a first date too amusing, but this was the case for TheDirtyWeatherMan.

The tl;dr of it is I laughed too hard, started coughing, farted, pooped a little. It was a dealbreaker.

7. @featherandFlask feels that first dates aren't always the best place to share unusual medical histories.

8. A first date can teach you how to love being single, especially if face-licking is involved, like on hi_lampworking's date.

ok fun story - met a girl on OK Cupid for a first date a few years ago. She seemed attractive and normal enough until I picked her up. it's easier to just bullet point what happened from there (in order)

  • I arrived, she was on the phone and didn't get off the phone until she was actually in my car

  • as soon as she got off the phone, barely said hi, starts messing with my radio and AC knobs, flipping and turning everything randomly

  • instead of asking me to put something on, she gives up and decides to blast music from her cell phone and then sort of sing/whisper/mumble along with the songs

  • and then asks me if I like her singing, which i thought was a joke so I chuckled and said "yeah sure haha"

  • to which she became very offended and said I was an asshole

(time check - about 10min and 5 miles into the date)

  • so we sat in silence for a little while and my mind was racing with WTF did I get into... she went back to singing, vindictively and loudly while glaring at me (I tried to just face forward)

  • so then she turns and asks "are you taking me home?" and I reply "you want to go home?" and she just starts singing again

  • I make a U turn and start heading back

  • she leans over a LICKS the side of my face like a dog, while grabbing at my crotch

  • I'm fucking terrified, no idea if she's gonna yell, kick, scratch, punch, flash, kiss or suck.... I freeze with a stupid smile on my face and continue driving

  • awkward touching continues

  • I pull up in front of her house and stop the car. We sit for about 10 seconds and then she looks over and asks "Am I home?"

  • I say "yeah, probably best if we call it a night" and she gets out and leaves - SKIPPING to the front door.

  • I get home before 8pm, enjoy being single

  • I wake up the next morning and go to work... her fucking cell phone is in my car and it has about 100 missed calls and text messages. This is an older flip phone with no security so I open it up and all the texts are from "mom" and they alternate between calling me sexy, saying she wants to see me again, to name calling, to saying I stole her phone and she's going to call the cops, back to saying she can't wait to see me again.

  • I go into her phone, delete my number and our textx, put the phone in a padded envelope and overnight it to her with no return address.

I haven't heard from her since.

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9. Some first dates go poorly before they even begin. But that can be an opportunity to dodge a bullet, like @DeborahAharoni did.

10. Despite the best efforts, passive aggression cannot always be contained. kid320 knows this truth.

I decided to meet up for coffee with a girl that I had been talking to online. We talked for 45 minutes or so - normal first date topics like family, travel, etc. She then asks, "where did you do your undergrad?"

Now, I have a pretty good job, but that question sets the bar pretty high for a guy who didn't go to college. She is not only assuming that I went to college but is also assuming that I am taking part in some type of post-graduate school.

When I said that I went to technical school and then straight into the workforce she looked at me as if she'd never heard of such a thing. Apparently, I didn't pass all of her minimum requirements to be considered human. After a brief pause, she broke off her shocked stare, placed her hand on her forehead in a fashion that covered her eyes, inhaled briefly and followed it by a valley-girl, "eew!" She took her Blackberry out of her purse and whispered to herself as she typed, "he ... didn't ... even ... go ... to ... college ..." I then saw the left thumb hold the shift key as she deliberately pressed the exclamation point key once... ! Twice... !! Three times... !!! In reality, each one of those keystrokes was a simple tapping of a small piece of plastic, but, in my head, it sounded like a metal bank vault door was repeatedly slamming shut.

She pressed a few more buttons on the phone, presumably sending this text message to her total BFF. She put the phone away, looked at me, and after taking a deep breath said, "well that is okay. Not everybody is capable of going to college." She put on a fake smile followed by an awkward laugh and just stared at me awkwardly. I couldn't believe that she'd react so rudely to something and then try to act as if it didn't happen. Perhaps she still believed that, like a child playing hide and seek, if you covered your eyes you would disappear.

After staring at each other awkwardly for a few seconds, I finally broke the silence by saying, "Wow, okay. So, yea... I, uhm guess it is about time to get out of here?" I stood up and took my trash to the trash can and she followed me out the door. I turned and began walking down the street and she followed closely and said, "how far away is your car?" This girl was expecting a ride!

So, I stopped and turned around and said, "oh, I am about a block this way. Where did you park?"

She replied, "Oh, I took the bus here. I don't have a drivers license."

Now, I am normally not a rude person. Even in that situation, I was going to just walk away and let that be that, but I just couldn't pass this opportunity up. I looked at her right in the eyes and said, "eew!" Pulled out my cellphone and typed, "she ... doesn't ... even ... have ... a ... license ... ! ... !! ... !!!" I then put my phone away, looked up at her, smiled and said, "That's okay! Not everybody is capable of driving a car! Lucky for you, the bus stop is right over there. I hope you don't have to wait too long!"

I wish I took a picture of the look on her face as I walked away. It was priceless.

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11. A lot of bad dates, like this one Anne Thériault overheard, involve one person talking a little bit too much about how great they are.

12. Usually on bad first dates, people don't feel the chemistry. @MatchmakerMary's first date realized he didn't feel the chemistry with any women.

13. There's a time and a place for crying, and it's not mid-sex on a first date, like this person experienced.

I slept with a guy on our first date, he was on top. At first I thought he was sweating, no big deal, I'm a trooper. Then I looked up, after a weird muffled sob, and he was crying. As I stared up into his tear filled eyes, in horror, he stated "Oh my god, I'm in love with you."

At this point, I stated loudly "I have to go. My mom is calling." Rolled him off of me, grabbed my stuff, and got dressed while walking out of his house. He called after me, sobbing in the doorway. I turned, halfway down the driveway, still pulling a shirt on over my head.

"Our signs are compatible! WE FIT PERFECTLY TOGETHER, EVEN IN THE HEAVENS."

Even in the heavens, guys.

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14. Once one awkward moment happens, it's much more likely another will, too. Binksalamander12 experienced a domino effect of awful moments.

I convinced a girl who I was crazy about to go out on a date with me and I knew I had to make it count. We lived by the ocean and she had dropped the hint that she had never been out on the pier at our local beach. Challenge accepted. I nervously drove her down to the beach and we proceeded to slowly walk out on the pier together, though she seemed hesitant from the beginning. We stopped short of the end and I leaned against the railing over the water while she stood back a bit from the edge. She didn’t really seem into it at all. Awkwardly I said, “this is a great view, huh?”, just as two pigeons flew up and landed at our feet. “Sweet, chicks dig birds” I thought to myself. To my horror, the birds began to make passionate pigeon love in front of us while neither of us spoke. I had never witnessed such violent passion. I quickly scanned around and saw a couple holding roses on the other side of the pier. “Awesome, they look romantic, chicks dig romance”, I thought to myself. We quickly walked away from the surprisingly forceful pigeon sex and stood next the happy couple. The man and woman were holding each other and both holding roses but something seemed off. I glanced up and noticed that both were sobbing, the girl I was with noticed too. As we were both looking, the couple took their roses and cast them into the sea. I had posted us up next to a damn funeral, some kind of sea burial. Between animal lovemaking and death I had executed one of the worst dates of all time. Just as I had accepted my failure, my date started getting fidgety. Based off of her body language and her expression it dawned that she hadn't told me about the pier as a hint but because she was terrified of it. Turns out she had a fear of heights and the ocean. That pier will forever be a monument to my most unsuccessful first date. Now let’s hear your story…

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15. When in doubt, take it slower than Soyala's date. Much, much slower.

He pulled out his penis in the middle of a full movie theater and asked me to suck it

16. It's OK to trust your instincts and run away immediately. RazorEddie should've done that.

I'd forgotten about this one until I saw the thread title.

This was several years ago, before everyone had cell phones and I didn't have one at the time. It would've made things tremendously easier.

So this chick hits me up off a personal ad and we seem to hit it off. She's a little older than I am and the picture makes her look a little bigger than I normally go for, but whatever, she seems cool. It's kinda weird she wants to pick me up rather than meeting somewhere, but whatever, things happen.

I should've stopped everything when a dingy old Honda Civic rolls up and someone who's not a little older, but a LOT older and a LOT heavier than I expected gets out. But I don't, because I was young and stupid and don't want to offend her by doing the 180 back into my house when it's abundantly obvious that picture was reaaaaaaaally out of date. So I get into the car, which is full of trash, and we set out.

She tells me she needs to swing by her place and I say sure, whatever. Her place is in the projects, and I don't mean the kinda rundown but still nice part of town, I mean the actual housing projects. She invites me inside and I figure it's better than sitting in the car waiting to get shot and robbed, so I join her inside, where I meet her boyfriend(!) and kid(!!), neither of whom she'd thought to mention before.

Her boyfriend is remarkably laid back about me wandering in, apparently on a date with his girlfriend, and promptly offers me some of his drugs. Now I'm not against doing drugs, but I only do them when they come from sources I trust and when I'm around people I trust, so I decline, mainly because even with my experience, I can't identify the mounds of colorful pills and other paraphernalia he's selecting from. (Also for obvious reasons). Her kid, meanwhile, is toddling around oblivious while the girl does whatever it is she's doing in the bathroom. Dude drops his pills and eats what looks like blotter acid and we wind up watching The Simpsons like some weird extended family.

It turns out that he didn't know exactly what he'd combined either and he starts having a freakout and since she's in the bathroom and the toddler is a toddler, guess who's stuck talking him down, especially because he's talking about god talking to him and god's telling him thinks that aren't exactly making me any more comfortable in this incredibly awkward situation. But I've done this before, I have a lot of hedonist friends, and staying calm and talking someone through a surprisingly hallucinogenic experience is something I'm comfortable with. At least compared to exiting stage right into the heart of the ghetto as it's getting dark or getting murdered if his trip takes a bad turn.

She comes out sometime later to find him naked on the floor--his clothes had gotten too hot and were also gradually getting smaller and going to kill him, you see--with his eyes shut while I calmly try to talk him through what were apparently some weapons-grade hallucinogenics, among other things. She doesn't seem surprised by this at all, as if the whole evening is perfectly normal and it's common to find one's date walking one's boyfriend through a bad trip, and asks me if I'm ready to go. I ask if we should be concerned about leaving the guy there when he's got several hours to go and a kid around, but she shrugs and assures me everything'll be fine, so we head to the car.

She starts driving and we're discussing where to go for dinner. I know a really nice restaurant, which she says is too fancy. I know a kind of nice restaurant, but she doesn't like their food. I know a quirky hole in the wall that's kinda gross but has fantastic food, but she doesn't want to go that way. She suggests Taco Bell. I make a noise that's somewhere between "uhh okay" and "really", which she takes as agreement, and we go to Taco Bell. At this point, I'm just happy to not be in the projects and so I make the best of it, ordering a couple tacos and, being the gentleman, I pay when she orders what seems to be half the menu.

My chance comes when she disappears into the bathroom. Without even thinking about it, I'm gone. I'm out the door and halfway down the block before I even realize what I'm doing. And I see in the distance, back at the Taco Bell, her burst out the door and look around, then start shouting for me to come back. And then I see her get in the car. But she's not going home, oh no, she's starting to look for me.

This particular Taco Bell was on a main drag that backed up to kind of a residential neighborhood, so I wind up hiding behind hedges and shrubs as she patrols the streets looking for me. This goes on for two or three hours, with me skulking in the bushes as she circles the block and drives up and down the streets. I've dodged cops that were less determined.

I managed to work my way back to my building, only to find her waiting in her car out front, but she didn't know about the back entrance, so I snuck in that way and left all my lights off. And locked and barricaded the door, because, Jesus.

The sight of someone strange lurking in the parking lot at that late hour prompts one of the neighbors to call the cops. She refuses to leave. She calls the cops a number of interesting profanities, judging by the screaming I hear from the parking lot, especially when they decided to take her in for disturbing the peace. And she took a swing at one of them, adding a resisting arrest charge to her collection.

The next (and only) time I see her is in the newspaper the next day in the police blotter.

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17. Plenty of people have more than a few bad first date stories. Terry Westlake certainly does.

I once met a guy at a nightclub and later went out with him on one date. He said his car was in the shop and he had a good excuse for not having any money. First we went to the race track where he tried to gamble with my money and then we went out for dinner, I had to pay. Then we went back to his house which turned out to be rented bedroom in an old man's house. I never went out with him again but I got a call from the hospital a few months later where he had given my name and phone number as his emergency contact. He was in ICU from being stabbed and left to die in the desert. Probably owed money to his bookie. When I refused to pick him up from the hospital I never heard from him again! Then again, there was another first date I had; this guy brag about what a good cook he was and insisted I come over his house for a gourmet dinner. When I arrived he was drinking a beer he had no shirt on and he ordered a pizza for delivery. Did I mention the ball game was on the television?

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18. It's healthy to mix up the conversation and not talk about bowel movements for an entire first date, but lauradiamandis's roommate's date didn't know this.

Roommate's worst first date involved a guy who talked about the color/consistency of his poop the whole time, including dinner

19. You'd think a guy would realize a strip club is not a good place for a romantic evening. @SamanthaBankey's date did not see a problem with such locale.

20. Everyone's heard a vomit horror story. This is CatChaseGnome's.

I had never had sushi and I went on a first date to sushi. I tried a piece of her raw salmon and when I felt that little sguiggly piece of cold fish slide down my throat, my stomach workers called for an evacuation of all non-essentials.

I puked and tried to cover it with my hand, sending vomit flying off in different directions, including hers.

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21. Vomiting on a first date is gross. Sliding around in a stranger's vomit, like dark_griever did, is worse.

First some background: I went to undergrad about half an hour from New York City. Best way to get in and out of the city is a train that goes to Penn Station, which just so happens to stop running at around 1AM.

I ask a girl out on a date and we go see a concert in Brooklyn. Everything goes alright on the date itself, but the concert is fucking long and we have almost no chance of making the train at Penn Station. Still we try. We were transferring subways in a rush, flying down the stairs. I must not have noticed the puke on the steps, but it sure as hell noticed me. I wipe out about 10 steps from the bottom, sliding on vomit the whole way down. I stand up immediately upon hitting the floor, but there's no salvaging this one or looking like it was intentional; my arms, legs, and back are pretty well coated in vomit. We stop at a Duane Reade to get antibacterial soap but the vomit on my clothing was not really removable. Then, we had to wait in deserted Manhattan for HOURS until the first train back at around 7AM. Somehow, we're still dating.

Tl;dr: Slipped on some puke, fell down stairs, waited for hours covered in it.

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22. Be forewarned: murder is not a good way to impress a lady, as repeat- knows.

Ran over her cat... RIP Snickers

23. For every ten awful first dates, there's one that has a very happy ending, like Tinchy's.

I met this beautiful woman one night, and I was not a very experienced "dater," so to speak. Well, I was obviously nervous. So, we met at a restaurant and I'm all prepped up, dressed nice. After we order, I lean back in my chair a little. The chair fucking breaks. I'm not a large man at all (5"11, 170), and I was more shocked than hurt. As I was on the ground, she got out of her chair to help me. And then it happened. I farted right at her. Needless to say, I thought the relationship was over.

I married her.

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Aw, that's nice. Still doesn't outweigh all the craptastic first dates people go through.

Sources: Crap Dates