My no-fail guide to staying single until you're 30.

My no-fail guide to staying single until you're 30.

Follow these rules to ensure you never get into a relationship.


It's so freeing to be single!

To an outside party, it probably looks like I've been purposely evading relationships my entire life. This was not my mission, but in retrospect I see the mistakes I made that contributed to my perpetual singledom.

But there's a silver lining: these mistakes can function as a guide to ensure you remain single until you turn 30. And why stop there? Reach for the stars! You can use these tricks to stay single forever.

Here is exactly how to stay single at any age:


This relationship is doomed.

Age 0-3: No flirting.

I'm sure you've heard parents say, "oh, he's such a flirt!" when their baby smiles at other babies or even adults. This is creepy. Don't do this. It's imperative that you never develop any silly baby-crushes; they'll never lead anywhere.

Age 4-10: Keep it casual.

Don't play into whole boyfriend/girlfriend stereotype that society places on opposite-gendered friendships. You're just kids! Now go play games before you learn the frustrating adult meaning of "playing games."

Age 11-12: Develop a crush on someone far, far away.

These pivotal pre-teen years are the perfect time to get a crush on someone from another school, or better yet, another country. This ensures you won't be able to see them or move the relationship to the next level.



What's the square root of penis, I mean Pi?

Age 13: Become infatuated with a teacher.

Fantasizing about a teacher is a way to create an impossible standard for yourself that none of your peers could ever live up to. Also, it sets the wheels in motion for you to date people later in life simply because they look like your 7th-grade Geometry teacher even if they're a terrible match.

Age 14-15: Misread signals. Be oblivious to your surroundings.

Wrongfully assume you're "with" the person you kissed during Truth or Dare. Mistake bus-ride conversations due to boredom for romantic encounters. Ask out people who are already spoken for. Live in a dreamworld. Write bad poetry. Keep thinking about that hot teacher.


Age 16-17: Get busy. Not the sexual kind of busy.

Enroll in every conceivable after school activity, partially to look good on college applications, partially so you don't have to deal with your loneliness. Develop deep crushes on people you don't know, and will never talk to.

Age 18-22: Go to a Liberal Arts school in an urban setting.

I went with NYU. The student body is 60% women, and half the men are still discovering their sexuality. I was guaranteed to never date anyone in college for four whole years. Also, try going out with closeted homosexuals, anyone who looks like your 7th grade math teacher, and/or your best friend's younger brother; you'll definitely remain single.

Age 23-25: Live life as a confident young professional.

Have an office romance. Party a lot. Become obsessed with someone who tells you "I'm not looking for anything serious." Try out another office romance. Refuse to do any type of online dating. Keep attempting office romances until you run out of possibilities and move to other office.



It's a metaphor for dating.

Age 26-29: Hop aboard a doomed dating roller coaster.

Age 26: Waiting in line. Date someone your age who is super hot but super boring.
Age 27: Uphill climb. Date someone older. Waaaaaaay older. Like, older than your parents.
Age 28: Downhill plunge: Date a 21 year old. It won't work out, I promise.
Age 29: Get off the roller coaster. If you have a year long panic attack about turning 30, you won't be able to stay in a meaningful relationship!

Age 30: You did it!

You've lived three decades without being in a serious relationship! It was hard work, and now it's time to celebrate. Congratulations! Now go get on Tinder.