The Reddit forum r/TIFU stands for "Today, I fucked up." It's a place where people post stories from their lives, and the most popular posts are—without fail—sexual fails. The following story has that and a disgusting amount more: butts, failure, sexy puns, a clever Lord of the Rings reference, and lots of dirty poo.
As you begin to read, you should know there's a happy ending and the couple's still together. Go ahead. This is the pinnacle of achievement for the written word: "TIFU by losing my wedding ring in my wife's asshole."
Alright, so I lost a bunch of weight recently. I was a big guy at the time of my wedding, and as a result of the weight loss my wedding ring is now a whole lot looser around my finger.
So, perhaps thanks to my new sexy physique (...) the missus and I were getting it on today. With a devious glint in her eye, she suggested: "How about anal?"
Excellent plan, of course. I got the lube and used copious amounts. Now, you've got to take it slowly; first, gently with one finger... Then two... And finally, my index, middle and ring finger were all lubed up and in there. Good times.
After my lady was sufficiently warmed up, we were happily banging away. But as I slapped her fine ass, I noticed something. Something missing.
"Hey, my ring came off," I said.
"Probably on the mattress," she replied.
Not on the mattress.
"On the ground?" she asked, now with a hint of nervosity.
Not on the ground.
Then it dawned upon both of us.
So my fingers went back in there. Yet my monster dong (...) had already pushed it far beyond reach. I spent a good 10 minutes with my hand up my wife's butthole. I even tried to lighten the mood by doing my best Gollum impression and hissing: "My preciousss! Give it back to us!" But she was not amused.
We finally had to give up the search. She drank 4 cups of coffee over the course of the next hour and made her retreat to the bathroom with a box of rubber gloves. From the living room I heard an explosive splattering sound, followed by a faint "Oh my God..."
After half an hour of scrubbing she handed me my ring back without making eye contact.
So now, whenever I look at my ring, I'm reminded of the vow I took to always be at the side of my lovely wife, on the day of our beautiful wedding ceremony. And how this particular piece of jewelry was violently blasted out of her asshole amongst a torrent of diarrhea.
Sorry to all aspiring and established writers alike. This is greater than any work of literature. Eat your butt out, James Joyce.