Dating is tough, and it's definitely not any easier if you're a 19-year-old Lord of the Rings fan who tries to use The Secret to get girls. Redditor Alricson shared his story on the "Today I Fucked Up" subreddit, along with some wise dating advice: the best way to find a date is to be married first. Here is how the saga unfolded, and yes, it as nearly as epic as the Lord of the Rings (well, maybe just the less exciting parts where they walk really far for a really long time).
It all started when his best friend gave him a ring in a totally non-romantic way (right?).
I was always a big fan of Lord of the Rings as a kid. In fact, that’s how Sam and I met and became best friends in elementary school. Last week, I had my birthday. Sam got me a cheap, metallic, gold-plated ring. Now, most people never remember my birthday, let alone get me a gift, so I was pretty happy – even if Sam only got me it cause, “Every aspect of you reminds me of Gollum, I had to.” I still am genuinely happy, even though I’m not sure if Sam was just being a dick.
That's when Alricson said that he started getting a lot more attention than normal. Like, female attention.
Over the past couple of days, as I walk through the mall, Publix, or doing whatever miscellaneous thing I just happen to be doing; I notice the following trend, girls keep smiling at me. It was crazy, I had never gotten so much attention before, BUT I LOVED IT. And I knew EXACTLY why it was happening. I had just finished reading the book, The Secret. “FINALLY, it’s happening!” “These girls are coming to me because I believed they would!” I promptly tell Sammy about what’s happening, and he doesn’t believe a word. “Fuck you Sammy, you pessimistic bitch!” I say to myself, “I have The Secret, I HAVE THE POWAHHH!”
With his newfound "powahhh" came some newfound confidence.
Another day rolls around, I decide to act upon what’s happening, I talk to the first girl I notice giving me the eyes. I chat her up like she’s already mine (the confidence I had, even though it was built on sand, most likely helped push this interaction). I get her number, and we decide to meet up at this new Italian restaurant that opened up close to my place. The whole time leading up to the date, she’s texting me stuff like, “This feels so dangerous!” and “I’ve never done something like this before!” and “You know you’re terrible person right? ;)” I have absolutely no fucking idea what she’s talking about, and I do not care. The fact was, a girl who wasn’t drunk or inebriated, found my face not disgusting enough, to go on a date with me.
Despite being able to tolerate Alricson's face, things went totally awry.
We both get to the place on time, and we’re both hitting it off and having a blast; I’m telling her jokes, she’s laughing at my jokes, and I’m laughing at her laugh at my jokes. Everything’s going great…and then she says it. “So tell me about your wife.” I’m still riding high off emotions and my new-found “power”, so I assume I mistook what I heard. “Sorry? Didn’t quite get that?” “Your wife.” I sit there stunned for a minute, I’m often mistaken for older, but no one’s ever assumed I’m married before. “I don’t have a wife…I’m only nineteen...” The look on her face that was once seductive, was now some mix of shock and disgust.
”But what about the ring?!” “This? My friend got me it.” I take it off to show her how it’s already turning green, “He knows I love Lord of the Rings, so it was pretty cool of him to do this.” She gets up abruptly and says, “Sorry, this was a mistake.” And walks out of the restaurant.
At the end of the day, at least Alricson learned some valuable lessons.
I had never felt so shitty before, I was mortified. I felt like I just had dinner with Patrick Bateman, and he left in the middle of it, only to tell me he had to return some video tapes. I’m fine now though, I probably dodged a bullet, or maybe a chainsaw.
Never bring up Lord of the Rings on a date.
Girls are attracted to what other girls find attractive (but only shitty ones will try to sleep with another woman’s husband).
Fuck you Sammy, (He made me type this) That was rough.
Honestly, the person who should probably feel sh*tty in this situation is the woman who got off on the thought of ruining someone's marriage, not the teenager who wore "the one ring" on a date, even though that is an odd choice. So was the Patrick Bateman comparison, but here is the GIF anyway.
After all that, Alricson signed off with one last thought.
Fuck you Rhonda Byrne! The Secret is a heaping pile of shit!!!