Women have learned to be wary of self-proclaimed "nice guys," and for good reason. One Reddit user recently posted a long, rambling letter she received from an acquaintance in the r/niceguys subreddit, asking her to leave her long-term boyfriend for him.
In the comments on the post, the woman clarified that she'd moved across the country with her boyfriend of three years and began working at a restaurant. About a month later, one of her new co-workers, a guy she'd become friendly with, handed her this letter.
The letter is pretty much just a jumble of nonsense, but basically, her new "nice guy" co-worker was writing to explain to her why he was better for her than her boyfriend.
While this very... um, poetic (?)letter is admittedly a little difficult to decipher, poopsie_doodle did her best to transcribe it for the wider Reddit audience to enjoy.
Here's what it says:
courage, ill-timed, quickly becomes foolishness so, for nigh on a year, i have fallen upon my boulder-stubborn conundrum as a river. now, however, i feel I may be close to losing some, if not all, of the brilliant words and precious laughter which vibrate so shapely from within my [Redacted] choicest mornings. so here, legs tensed for the leap and breath held for the fall, I am prepared to move boulders, any mountains worth if youll let me.
you say [Redacted] is what you need right now. shame be on me for not crying out my objection instantly. that fortress of reason has given you much but, i do not believe he has anything more to offer. i believe his stasis, perfect for the [Redacted] of three years ago, can but only become your stasis. i offer you no argument against your need to steadfast Reason But, his is a cornerstone from some city structure, It's pressure-washed and rectilinear.
[Redacted] i have spent the worthwhile part of my life attaining to stillness so that here, searching for the peace inside the tempest, I may offer those years, those hours, to you. i offer you my fungus and graffiti, my vermiculate core and the cicatrix across my skin in exchange for your magenta-rare ruins and, your obsidian-thick umbrage, for the paise of your storms steam-blanched skirt and the wilderness of its center.
lay your vines across my side and let me hold you safe, but only that you may swing free through the wilds of the sky be on my team, and i will be your champion. give me your evenings i will rub your feet until you fall asleep as often as you'll let me [Redacted] before and after everything, lay down this garden bed, that we may grow our antiquated magic.
at your pleasure,
Um. What? Are those even sentences? Why is he offering her his "fungus and graffiti?" Is that some kind of gross euphemism?
For those saying to themselves, "Ugh and she has to WORK with this guy?!" Never fear. Poopsie_doodle also posted an update saying that she's spoken to her manager about the letter. He let her go home so she wouldn't have to work a shift with this guy, and he's going to talk to him about the letter, with her permission.
Guys. Please. If you're going to write girls weird letters asking them to leave their long-term partners, at least write them weird letters that make a little bit of sense.
Actually, no. Just don't write girls weird letters.