The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.
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Ben Franklin left something important out when he made that comment on death and taxes.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

"OMG you like to poop? Me too!" (via Thinkstock)

Every "relationship milestone" is bullshit, except for one: poop. It's a biological necessity, so it's something you'll always being dealing with during your relationship. But it's also a taboo, so the way you deal with it is indicative of how comfortable you are with your significant other. Thus, here are the 11 stages of poop in a relationship.

1. You don't talk about poop.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

Every relationship has to start somewhere. You've just met someone, and you don't want to scare them off with the whole "I have a digestive system" thing before you even get to know them. Totally understandable.

2. You've acknowledged that poop exists.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

You've broken the ice, and things are more casual. You now see eye-to-eye on the idea that there are people out there who use the bathroom for stuff other than peeing. Poop is still just an idea — something you've heard about in medical shows or comedy films — but it's an idea you're comfortable with. You still make sure to avoid coffee or spicy foods while out on dates, but maybe you've gone on a bathroom break that was a bit longer than usual, just to test the waters.

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3. You've acknowledged that each other poops.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

Congratulations! You and your partner have mutually come to an agreement that you're Homo sapiens of the primate order who expel biological waste through your rectums. I know it doesn't sound like much, but believe me, you've come further than a lot of couples ever get. Things are only going to get better from here.

4. You poop around each other.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.
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Instead of clenching your rectum for dear life or pretending to take a shower, you can now confidently said, "Hey babe, I'm going to take a shit" without permanently causing a cataclysmic rupture in your relationship.

5. You talk to each other while pooping.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

Pooping is now no big deal. You can now ask your partner whether or not they want to watch True Detective later while all that separates them from you discharging waste from your anus is a closed door. Hell, maybe you give each other status reports on what kind of poop it is and how you're holding up. Relationships are all about dialogue.

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6. You poop with the door open.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

At first, all societal barriers were dropped. Now, all literal barriers have been dropped. Your partner can come in to take a shower or brush their teeth, or even just stop by for a chat. They're okay with listening to your plops and smelling your home brew, because they're yours.

7. You've pooped in each other's childhood homes.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.
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You don't really get to know someone until you've seen where they come from and where they've shat. There's something so powerful about meeting another person's parents, looking them right in the eye, and saying, "I love your child, and I want to be there for them," and then sealing the deal with a colossal steamer in their family bathroom, preferably below a framed picture of one of their ancestors.

8. You share a toilet.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

Sharing food, a car, or even a bed is really not that big of a deal if you think about it. Taking a porcelain bowl, however, and saying, "This is ours" is an entirely different ball game. You've created a home for the two of you — and your poop.

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9. You've pooped out a baby.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

Expelling your decomposed waste is one thing. Expelling a living, breathing person who also poops is another. You've invited someone into your life to continue in your shared tradition of pooping, someone who will carry it on long past your death.

10. You've kept things interesting with weird poop sex stuff.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

Most couples reach a point in their marriage where sex and pooping just don't bring pleasure like they used to. Instead of consigning yourself to this fate, however, you've decided to take a stand against complacency. You've chosen to be brave enough to tear down those arbitrary barriers and combine them. It'll definitely take some effort, but you've refused to live in a loveless marriage where you don't include your poop in sex. You've chosen to open a second chapter and say "Yes" to life. Go you.

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11. You're there for their last poop.

The 11 stages of every relationship, explained by pooping habits.

You're holding your loved one in your arms as they prepare to say goodbye to this world. As they exhale their last breath, their muscles spontaneously relax as they expel their last pile into this world, leaving you to only carry on with their memory and their assurance that you'll be together in the next life. Pooping together, of course.

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