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"Crap, I fit everything until I got to the part about "no he-shes." He seemed so nice!"

This ode to undateableness was posted by NYC comedian Damian Chadwick on Instagram this morning after he saw it on his way to work. We don't know much about Malik, but we can't call him to ask questions because he was very specific that you must "be real when calling about this ad!" We also wouldn't want to clog up his phone line, since he's obviously getting lots of calls right now from highly attractive, super busty, red-haired Apache women who love hip-hop, reggaeton, disco and freestyle music almost as much as they love the New York Rangers, long subway rides, and tigers and cats in general, and they only drink a little and never touch drugs but love threesomes and foursomes (only one guy, of course), and look great in miniskirts and 6" heels but are not hookers.

Sources: Damian Chadwick