"TIFU by sucking my fiancés penis into the vacuum hose NSFW."
This actually happened quite some time ago.
We were cleaning and he flashed me, I had the vacuum hose out so I threatened him with it. I didn't actually do anything at first, but then I turned the vacuum off and asked him if he'd ever done that. He said no, and we both got curious. I thought that was a thing that guys did, kind of like a rite of passage.
Apparently it's a thing that no guy should do, because the suction doesn't just pull the penis. It pulls the balls as well. Luckily, I had my hand on the 'off' switch just in case. He was in pain for a few minutes, but nothing severe. His junk survived.
As irresistible as it can be to flash a woman holding a phallic-shaped perma-inhaler, hopefully men will learn to keep it in their pants in this hyper specific situation.
But what is so fascinating is picturing the man's reaction to his fiancé's suggestion. He probably went from "Oh god no," to "Well maybe," to "Aw, well, I've always said I'm open to new experiences—let's give 'er a shot!"
To the inevitable: "OH NO."
Commenters commiserated with the lady's theory that the act is a rite of passage, with one guy saying he made the same mistake not once but "a few times." A few times? That guy's a very slow learner. Or a very horny teenager. Others just wanted to join the couple on a double date: "You sound perfect for each other." Although some must have been disappointed that she didn't reveal the make and model of the vacuum—that sounds like one powerful appliance.
Hopefully, this will persuade everyone out there not to try putting their dingus in a vacuum hose, but somehow—tragically—you just know it won't.