This is me:

Lots of people contacted me with unsolicited services and offers.

Many of us have a "type" when it comes to the sorts of people we're physically attracted to. For me, it's a pretty face and a tight body. Sometimes a pretty face and a tight body are like the foil wrapper on a dogsh*t burrito. Since I'm so hideously shallow, I eat (date) dogsh*t burritos a lot.

But I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. It's so easy with Tinder and OKCupid to instantly judge people's looks before learning anything at all about them. Modern romance, y'all. So I got into my Internet time travel machine, went back to 1995 and put an ad on Craigslist. It read: