This is me:
Lots of people contacted me with unsolicited services and offers.
Many of us have a "type" when it comes to the sorts of people we're physically attracted to. For me, it's a pretty face and a tight body. Sometimes a pretty face and a tight body are like the foil wrapper on a dogsh*t burrito. Since I'm so hideously shallow, I eat (date) dogsh*t burritos a lot.
But I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. It's so easy with Tinder and OKCupid to instantly judge people's looks before learning anything at all about them. Modern romance, y'all. So I got into my Internet time travel machine, went back to 1995 and put an ad on Craigslist. It read:
I'm looking for a date. If you'd like to go on a date with me, please send a drawing you've done of yourself, with a caption. You don't have to be a great artist, you just need to have made a sincere attempt at capturing your own likeness in a drawing.
I'm a very fun first date and I always buy the first round.
Your future first date.
Most of the responses ignored the most basic component: NO DRAWING.
My anaconda don't want none unless you sketch some, hun.
At least some guys had excuses. Most just ignored the only requirement completely:
That's it. That's all he wrote.
Then I started to get some...mixed results:
Message: "I attached my picture. Hope you like it."
Message: "Hello...interesting post."
Message: "I really liked your ad/idea. Please find my sincere attempt attached to this email. Let me know what you think! I don't have such a steady hand, but I'd say it's a good likeness :)."
Message: "I'm interested."
Message: "I'm not Dorian Gray... but I try not to look at this very often."
Message: "Napolean didn't like cats because he couldn't conquer their souls!"
Message: "You filthy whore!"
Dating is a nightmare.