First off, I think dicks are pretty gross. And I'm not entirely sure how women put up with them. They're veiny, creepy little flesh monsters that serve next to no purpose besides helping you unrightfully earn 30% more than women. But some women just can’t get enough d**k. And I respect that. Which is why I've taken the time to compile this list of things you can turn to when your thirst for c**k is purely insatiable. Things like...
1. These veiny, throbbing, dick-shaped lipsticks.
Multiple colors available on Amazon for $15.
2. This rock-hard, but also rock-soft throw pillow.
Get it on Amazon for $8.99.
3. This penis egg-fryer, which is funny because that's what penises kind of do to a woman's eggs: fry them.
$6.75 seems like a reasonable price to pay for all of your eggs to look like a penis.
4. This cockfetti, so you can make it rain dicks whenever you want.
5. This giant penis cake mold.
Get it on Amazon for $9.99.
6. Not a fan of cake? What about this ding-a-ling Jello mold?
7. It's not a party without dueling inflatable wangs.
8. This penis throw pillow, which is admittedly less over-the-top than this one.
On sale for $23.44.
9. These dick earrings.
10. This dick piñata.
11. This floral penis mug.
12. These penis slippers.
Come on, at this price, it's a must.
13. This penis soap mold is a pretty great way to get more dick in the shower.
14. Got a sweet tooth? This penis cookie cutter is a no brainer.
15. These novelty glasses.
16. These schlong shaped candy bracelets.
17. These penis pattern leggings perfectly complement your penis pattern throw pillows.
18. Or maybe these leggings are more your style.
19. This movie poster from "The Lion Dick."
20. Say thank you to your thirsty best friend with one of these penis-shaped bath bombs.
21. This big ole dick mug.
22. This dick activity book.
23. Some dick flops.
24. A little penis shaped macaroni.
25. This penis shaped toothbrush is a great way to fight cavities while also getting a dick in your mouth.
26. This tote bag will give you some more penis if you're not color blind.
27. Peter Pecker's bag of (gummy) dicks.
Just to be clear, we may or may not receive and a portion of the sales from these dick products. Our mothers are obviously proud.