31-year-old blames virginity on his giant penis, elicits advice in frustratingly inexplicit letter to columnist.

31-year-old blames virginity on his giant penis, elicits advice in frustratingly inexplicit letter to columnist.
Advertising

In a letter written to The Mirror's advice columnist that will surely have people playing their tiny violins in sympathy, one 31-year-old complained about the enormous size of his dick.

"My problem is a big one," the anonymous man kicked off his letter to Coleen Nolan, "It’s most men’s dream to have a big penis, but for me it’s a nightmare." 

Are you crying yet?

"Thinking back,"  he continued, "I always knew it wasn’t average from when the older lads used to comment on it when in the showers after sport. It even got its own nickname."

For some reason, this guy does not reveal the nickname of his giant penis. Readers will be forced to come up with their own. And sadly, the punny letter turns into a bit of downer here.  

"Great you would think, eh? Well, no, because I’m still a virgin at 31," the man wrote. "The closest a woman gets is putting a hand on it and once an escort lady refunded my money and left."

Advertising

Again, more detail would be very helpful—did these women ever say anything? Is the giant penis literally the only thing standing in the man's way of fulfilling his dream? Too many questions.

The anonymous guy ends his letter here, saying, "Please help. It’s making me very unhappy."

Coleen gave this guy some pretty realistic advice, and in doing so missed some great opportunities for innuendos.

"I think the real issue for you is that you’re still a virgin. I think being teased at school can have a huge impact on you later in life," she responded. "That kind of teasing or ‘banter’ stays with you and can be a kind of block to what you want to achieve."

Advertising

Teasing is an emotional cock block, got it.  

"So, what I’m saying is, OK, you might have a big one, but it might not be as much of a problem as you think," she wrote. "Maybe you’ve built it up to be a larger issue than it is."

Is this Coleen's way of asking for measurements?

Advertising

"And maybe you’re not letting anyone get closer than putting a hand on it because you’re the one who’s scared," Coleen added, getting to the emotional stuff. "I honestly think that when you meet the right girl and feel really comfortable with her, you’ll sort it out." 

"It’ll be something you can deal with together," Coleen wrapped up. "And that might involve some counselling or sex therapy."

Coleen makes some great points, but some of her advice may be invalid if the guy's penis is truly way too big.

Advertising

Further proof of his struggles is absolutely needed. 

Advertising