Sex shop workers dish about the most NSFW things that have happened with customers.

Sex shop workers dish about the most NSFW things that have happened with customers.
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When you work at a sex shop, nothing is really Not Safe For Work, but by any other workplace practices, brave employees at "adult" stores have witnessed some hilarious, NSFW things on the job.

Join us to reflect on the quaint, halcyon days before internet porn, when some sort of transaction was needed to get frisky films. Whether they're selling sex toys or sex films or both, these trusty employees gushed to Reddit about the interesting friends they've made on the job.

1. Spiel2001's apprentice couldn't handle the 3D movie.

Just after I got out of the Army, in the late 70s, I worked at an adult theater running the projector, doing the lighting for the strippers, cleaning, and fixing shit. For the record, the sound system was the bomb, for the day, and there was nothing as grand as cranking up Dark Side of the Moon, after hours, and tripping out while cleaning the place up.

Anyway, aside from your usual run-of-the-mill creeps and weirdos, like the guy who would leave a used, green, condom in the middle of the aisle every Tuesday night, or the stripper who would fill her whoha with whipped cream and ping pong balls to launch into the front rows, it was not uncommon to have couples come in and get frisky. Almost always in the back rows. From the projection both, you could see them clear as day (most probably had no idea, others were likely hoping to get caught).

So, they hire this new kid and I'm teaching him how the projection booth works. It doesn't take him long to realize he can see what's going on in the theater and he takes to spending most of his "free" time sitting in the window where the spot lights are for the strippers.

His third or fourth night there, a couple sits right under the window, gets naked and starts fucking. The kid spots them and takes his seat, then starts leaning out to get a better look... Fell right out the window. Funniest shit I ever saw.

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2. Great Scott! VVHYY's customers had the ultimate masturbate-and-switch.

A friend in college worked at an adult book store (late 90s, early 00s.) They had a rash of people renting XXX VHS tapes, recording over them with Back to the Future, and returning them. Lots of pissed off renters coming back with tapes adulterated to be un-adult-rated.

3. _Wetkitty met a merry prankster.

I worked at small video store back in college that had a family section down stairs, and an adult section upstairs, mostly videos, but as time went on we added to the adult section with toys and other interesting things. Well this store was about 5 miles down the road from a military base, so more often then not we had a lot of guys from the base who would frequent the store picking up a few videos and things usually a few one off guys by themselves then every once in a while a group of them would come in with a regular usually looked like new guys that had just gotten stationed there.

Well one night we had a few of these guys come in for a few movies nothing out of the ordinary, but more so just horsing around looking for some time to kill and things. They settle up with me at the register with a handful of movies and stuff and start up some general chit chat with me about how busy we usually were, was there a lot of folks that came in for that kind of stuff. My typical answer usually at the time oh yeah man all the time. One of them starts mouthing off about one of their superiors who they believe is probably a closet homosexual, just in his mannerisms, and other things they have noticed about the guy. Well as they were about to turn and leave. Guess who walked through the door. Yup you guessed it. They all just kind of stand still in shock, politely move out of the gentleman's way and then hustle out of the store as quickly as possible.

Guy goes upstairs for a few minutes comes back down, with a few videos, 2 normal run of your mill pornos and then one labeled "Big Black cocks vs small white guy holes". I for the most part unphased at the time cause i had seen it all, but more so cause i had seen this guy come in as a regular and typically knew that he mostly stuck to traditional heterosexual porn, but was kind of curious about the other video. Needless to say I look up and get ready to ask this guy (really big black guy huge ripped upper body, reminds me of if Terry Crews and Ving Rhames had a love child, but guy is a super cool nice guys), and he has the biggest shit eating grin on his face and said to me..."Let's see if I can have a little bit of fun screwing with those guys tonight"

I lost it! A few days later he comes back and tells me left the video sitting out in plain site for anyone to see later that night, and has now had the time of his life intimidating his new guys. Tells me they all got super jumpy anytime they would be at attention and he would walk up behind them and talked to them in their ears.

Apparently he told some of his officers about what he did, and now they are all in on the joke, and running with it. Made my week.

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4. Here's hoping Laser_Fish got commission on The Behemoth.

I have two stories from when I worked at a porn store in college.

I was an avid reader, so I would bring books and comics in to read during the midnight shift (this was a 24-hour store). One time I was reading Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House" when some guy came in and asked what I was reading. He looked at the cover, said "That's weird," and went back to browsing dildos at midnight.

Now where I live there are weird laws about adult stores, one of which is that you can't have an adult store. You can only have "clubs" that sell adult items. So we got around this by selling a 50-cent membership card. I had a guy come in and give me a really hard time about the membership card because he didn't have one. I threatened to call the police and have him removed so he relented. After he got his card he commented, "I bet you think all of us gay guys are just after sex all the time." I thought it was weird; I hadn't said anything about his sexual orientation, nor about any other customer's. I replied, "I don't know about all gay guys, but it's 3 a.m. and you're in a porn store, soooo....."

The funniest sale I ever made was to a young couple, guy and girl. They browsed for a while then came up to the counter with a double-ended dildo thicker than my arm. It was expensive, too. I remember the guy looked really excited my be making the purchase while the woman... not so much. when the day shift guy who had worked there for years came in, he took one look around the store and said, 'Holy shit. You sold the behemoth?"

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5. Mr_nuts31 learned the scientific value of dildos.

I remember a buddy of mine who went in to a sex shop with a pair of calipers on hand to measure out the diameter of dildos. Mainly because he planned on using them as projectiles for his grenade launcher during airsoft games. Best part is he told the lady at the counter his intentions for the dildo. She said that launching them will hurt like hell, he didn't believe it because he thought that can be changed by adjusting the co2 pressure of the grenade shell.

Let's just say after some extensive testing (ie. shooting each other with it at different psi), we found out that getting hit by a dildo will knock you off your feet and break a windshield of a car.

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6. T_Peazy has a short and sweet rundown on his messiest clients.

Christ! Where to start. I worked at the same chain of adult stores in multiple locations over the course of 4 years. 2.5 years as a clerk. 6 months assistant managing. And 1 year managing my own location. I've seen some shit. Here are the TL;DRs:

  1. In one of the preview booths i once found a full fishnet body suit, a dildo the size of my arm and nipple clamps. We don't allow anyone to take items with them in there.

  2. Caught an old man sucking on a display.

  3. Caught a woman who appeared to be on drugs diddling herself with a display. And was offended when I interrupted her and asked her to leave.

  4. Papertowels covered in shit and blood.

  5. A guy passed out fave down with his pants around his ankles and rubber balls protruding from his ass.

6. There was a guy who bought a hard on pill and came back enraged that we sold him a fake. Demanding his money back.

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7. Kimchiandrice learned that baby heads can go both out and in.

My shining hour has arrived!

I was working the night shift at a adult store in the 90's. A rather large woman walks in and goes straight for the dildos and vibrators. We had samples glued to the wall for folks to feel and size up. We had a pretty wide variety, some of them rather large. After fondling the large size dildos with names like "BAM" and "BIG Haus" she comes up to the counter and asks rather politely if we had anything bigger. Internally, I'm like WHAT THE ACTUAL F--K, some of those things are as big or bigger than a babies head. I then sudden remember the "Mr. Big Head" we have in the back. A toy we had had on the wall for about a year and never even had a sniff at. We were about to send it back for a refund. This thing was insane. Like the rim of a Big Gulp cup big. I hand it to her. She slaps this massive vaguely dick shaped lump of plastic and silicone in her hand a couple of times....then smiles and giggles a bit. She says and I will never forget this, "Yeah....this will do great." She then hands me like three hundred bucks and walks out. I swear she had a spring in her step.

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8. Formershooter's friend saw Fifty Shades Darker live.

Not me but someone I knew who worked at a sex shop. One day a lady came in and asked to see the Ben Wa Balls (basically metal balls that you put up the vagina). They were in a counter and so he put them on top of the counter, she throws her leg up and puts one right in.

9. Iborgulos's brother's fix provided immediate results.

Not me but my brother owns an adult store and he told me this story.

Older lady comes in and tries to return a remote control vibrator saying it doesn't work. My brother, after putting on latex gloves, grabs the remote control and puts new batteries in it. With the fresh batteries installed my brother presses the "go" button and instantly the older woman lets out a moan and says, in what my brother called a old smokers voice, "oh yah it's working now!!!".

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10. kutthr0atb1tch had the family reunion of nightmares.

I used to work in an adult store during my early college years, at the time I was still living at home and parents thought I was working in a shoe store. Well, one day I was working the door checking IDs of people who came in when who of all people but MY PARENTS walk through the door. I had to check their IDs too. What's funny is that they were divorced when this happened but I was too mortified to ask them what they were doing shopping there together. Dad made me quit, oh the hypocrisy.

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