Warning: These tales are definitely NSFW (duh).
Look, we all know that as great as it can be, sex is, at its core, basically disgusting. It involves bodily fluids (ew) and often a whole lot of gross noises and ridiculous face-making. But these stories from Reddit take nasty to a whole new level. For. Real. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!
1. After reading this by finebushlane, you'll never eat cottage cheese again. EVER.
So a few years ago I had brought a new girl back to my apartment after being out drinking all evening. We were too drunk to make the beast with two backs so we passed out until morning.
When we awoke we started kissing and canoodling and I decided to go down on her. This is one of my favorite things and generally will do it as long as it takes to make a girl orgasm...
Anyway, I head down south and pull down her panties to see the hairiest bush i've ever seen in my life. Not only is it hairy but the hair is very long and also messy looking, kind of bedraggled. Like a homeless guys beard or an abandoned birds nest.
Slightly less enthused but still determined I plunged in face-first and started getting busy. The taste of this beaver, if possible, was worse than it looked. It was fetid and bitter and to make matters worse I had numerous pubic hairs caught in my throat which were tickling me and making me cough.
I decided to pull back for a second to regain my composure. I thought if I pulled open her lady-bits I might be able to have a better angle of attack on her clit. I opened up her pussy to a terrible sight. There were multiple lumps of what looked like cottage cheese dotted around her pussy lips and clit.Each lump ranged from a few millimeters in width to half a centimeter in size. It looked like some sort of fungus was growing there.
Needless to say I was fucking revolted and started gagging. I knew that despite my love of pussy I could not go down on her again without puking my guts up. I mumbled some excuse about a headache and not feeling good and fled to the bathroom, whereupon I spent ten minutes washing my mouth out and brushing my teeth.
Even now I shudder when I think back upon "cottage cheese pussy girl".
Edit: A friend just pointed out to me that the girl from my story is now the Lehman Bros of spank bank material. Perhaps if you ever have a boner and want to lose it sharpishly you can think of cottage cheese?
2. SisterNamedJan gives as well as she takes.
He pulled it out to come on my face, I was unprepared and snorted his semen up my nose. We started making out and I sneezed his semen onto his own face.
Probably grosser for him than for me, but not by much.
3. Aaaaaa667's girlfriend is a freaking TROOPER.
I had recently found a new girlfriend. A cute, blonde girl with lots of curves in all the right places. We had been together for a little while (this was back when I was a Jr. in college and she was a freshman) when we went to this huge party. We both ended up getting totally trashed and wound up back at my place. Needless to say I was waaay to drunk to get any bidnass done that night. The next morning we woke up and started to get it on. For some reason, Im always really randy after a night of heavy drinking. Anyway...midway through the sex, we are doing it doggy style with her on all 4 at the edge of the bed and me standing behind her on the floor. I am hammering away like a rabbid jackrabbit when, all of a sudden, i get that sour food, extra saliva feeling in my mouth. I knew what was coming but it was too late. As the puke surged up my esophagus, I clenched my hands over my mouth in a death grip, but to no avail. I spun around and tried to aim for my waste bin....but it was no use. I ended up projectile vomiting in about a 3/4 circle. I managed to go from her right side, across that wall, across the wall behind me (and the bookcase that was there), all over the waste bin, and i over spun and went passed the waste bin and got it on my floor and the bed on her left side. Luckily, only some puke flak got on her back....
She's a great girl though, that was 3 years ago and we are still together...
4. Dear kidmonsters, NOPE. Nope nope nope nope. Sincerely, the world.
I was in a band in college and we played a show this one weekend. I was pretty smashed after drinking for free all night, and this surprisingly cute chick saunters up and started with the whole, "oh my god, you like write songs and stuff?" Despite the fact that I am usually a bit shy in situations like this, she had her arm around me and is doing all the work. "Fuck it, let's do this," I think to myself. While she is mid-sentence, I grabbed her hand and started walking her out the door.
We headed back to her apartment, and things started to heat up. We were on her bed, ripping off eachother's clothes. Suddenly, in one swift move, she pounced me, knocked me onto my back, jumped on top of me, spun around and started sucking me off, 69 style. I was totally into it, and started reciprocating. Only a few moments pass before I felt a tap on my forehead. My face was fully between her legs, yet there was this tap tap tap on my forehead. Every couple of seconds, tap tap tap. This tapping continued and started to take me out of the moment. I pried my face from between her legs to get a better view of what was going on. To my horror, I witnessed, dangling from her asshole, a fucking tape worm, bouncing like a fettuccine noodle with every excited movement she made. I was totally disgusted, but kind of in shock, and she had no idea what is going on, just gobbling away down there. Before I knew it, I had thrown her off of me and I was stringing together a long series of "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck" as I put on my pants and ran out the door.
5. Welp, at least tiedyestarburst was on the toilet. *Shudder*
So, the boy and I like some backdoor fun from time to time. We talk about it more than we do it because it's tiresome to get ready and clean up after... usually worth it though ;). One Saturday afternoon, the boy is performing some world class cuminonumbulus when I feel a pressure at my nether orifice. I soon realised he was using some beads on me. We had some filthy and very very satisfying sex, then I went to the bathroom to clean up without removing the beads.
I'm so glad I did that.
I sat on the toilet to get the beads out.
I'm so glad I did that.
Those beads were solidly embedded in a great big turd.
I just stared at it dumbly for a moment before the smell hit me.
6. _NetWorK_ broke it. You know, IT.
I had this happen to me too, got home from working a night shift 8pm to 8am went at it with the wife then noticed a bit of blood, figured oh she started her period got off went to the washroom to clean up then noticed blood on the bathroom floor figured I must of have not wiped the underside, my stomach churned when I saw that my frenulum (banjo string) was now in two pieces. This is when the pain starts...
Had to call my friend who worked close to my house get him to get out of work 30 minutes early to drive me to the hospital. Here's the main content of our conversation.
"Hey John, it's Mike can you drive me to the hospital? I think I broke it." "Broke what?" "IT man" "Oh shit I'll be right over"
The trip to the hospital was another story within itself, ended up having a to have it packed with surgical skin graph (they are special bandages that are meant to promote skin repairs) and not use it for 5 days... I waited 3 and now it's all messed up it can pop out whenever it wants and where it's suppose to stop it just keeps rolling back... I really should have waited to extra 2 days :(
7. Darzel's story is a little bit of a different kind of disgusting, but it still definitely fits the bill.
Girl beneath me, rolls me over onto my back - in the process we roll off the bed and we land on the floor, me on the bottom and her still straddling me. Her leg went straight through a big glass of water. Blood everywhere. She had lacerated her leg straight to the bone in a clean cut: I could see her muscle. Within ten minutes of our initial playing around there were 6 firemen and 3 policemen in the room (she was mental and shouted down the phone that I had a gun so they would come sooner). I was high and drunk and so her roomie took control. Paralysed by shock and weed, I had to hide while they took her in the ambulance as she was THAT crazy that I was expecting her to call rape.
She required 62 stiches, 40 on the muscle covering her shin.
This is the singular most traumatic experience of my life.
8. What happened to mads-80 is just a risk of the position.
Sixty-Nine. She came. She farted. My hair blew in it's fetid breeze.
9. What happened to apatton19 would have deterred a lesser man. Or pretty much just anyone else probably.
A girl I had been dating for awhile climbed on me for 69. As she scooted back, I saw something white, realized too late that it was a clump of toilet paper, and got it in my mouth. Pretty nasty, but I spit it out and kept going.
10. As myamaacct, some holes should be left alone. Dear lord.
I work in an emergency room. One time we had a patient who had a colostomy (for those who don't know, this is a surgically placed hole in the abdomen where shit comes out of after the colon is rerouted away from the ass)
Anyway, some girl comes in once with an infection in her stoma (abdominal shithole). Turns out it was gonorrhea. Her husband had been cheating on her, picked it up and had been fucking her in her stoma
11. At least hong_kong_phooey managed to be helpful.
Having sex with my wife, and then noticing that something didn't feel quite right, she still had a tampon in from 4 days prior...and i had to help pull it out....
12. Tellme_areyoufree is still reassuring his ex-roommate.
Freshman year of college, I met this guy and brought him back to my dorm (I'm also a guy). He seemed nice and everything, and he was cute, and we started to fuck around. Eventually he decided he wanted to bottom (i.e. get fucked), and so we started having intercourse...
I started to smell the distinct smell of fecal matter very soon. I thought "whatever, I guess you should expect a little smell when having anal sex." I continued, and the smell continued to get worse.
Eventually, we finish, and I pull out - only to see a stream of shit spew out of his ass. It was everywhere. I mean, fucking everywhere. It was explosive diarrhea-type shit, on my bed, on me, on the wall even.
... and then my roomate walked in.
I found out later that the dude had a severe bowel problem of some kind, and really shouldn't have bottomed. My ex-roomate is still a friend of mine, and I still have to assure him that that's not what gay sex generally looks like.
13. How could what happened to Pict be real? HOW?
Sucking a chicks nipple in the dark. She was loving it. All of a sudden there is liquid.. Lactating.. sick. So keep going, she seems to be loving it.
Lights come on, dun dun dunnn, I had been sucking the pus out of a boil.
14. TI-83 got crabs in a place you'd never expect.
I remember this story happening to an acquaintance a few years ago.. So said acquaintance meets up with a few friends and they roadtrip for a night of drinking and debauchery in Canadia. The group ends up at a strip club and the protagonist of the story ends up picking up one of the strippers by the nights end. For some unknown reason, this guy thought it was a good idea to go down on the stripper before they do the nasty. They all drive home the next day and all is good. The day after driving back, the guy wakes up in the morning and can't open his eyes and proceeds to freak out. Paramedics are called. Turns out that the stripper he had gone down on had crabs. The crabs had gotten into his eyelashes and surrounding areas. Literally his eyes were crusted shut from the various liquids his body expelled (blood, plasma, etc.) as a result of the crabs feeding off his lifeblood. Horrible stuff.
15. Sobe86 learned the hard way (no pun intended) to always wear a condom.
I was going out with a girl, and one night we got drunk and had sex without protection. She wasn't on the pill, so she had to go to the pharmacy and get a morning-after type thing.
So a few days later, we were fooling around in the dark. I fingered her a bit, went down on her. I noticed it tasted a little weirder than normal, but didn't say anything. She repaid me in similar fashion. Afterwards I go to the bathroom, and turn the light on. My whole face and arms are covered in blood. I look like a vampire after a feeding frenzy. Initially I thought it was a cut on my face or something, but I couldn't find anything wrong. Also, the blood was not like any blood I'd seen before, like it was really thick and gooey. So I go back to the bedroom, turn the light on, and her entire lower regions are bathed in this syrupy horrible red gunk. It's all over the bed sheets, and all down the side of her legs.
She understandably freaks out. We call emergency services etc. At first we thought I cut her down there with my fingernails or something. But it turns out when a girl uses emergency contraception, it can wreak havoc with her menstrual cycle. And I spent 5 minutes lapping up her period blood. We never spoke of it again. Remember kids: if she isnt on the pill, use a fucking condom.
16. I-330's experience might explain why some folks just aren't cat people.
Last summer my husband and I were living with roommates who had a cat. We were drinking and started getting hot and heavy, he stripped down and jumped on the bed, said something about it being wet and jumped back up. One of us had left our bedroom door cracked and the cat had gotten stuck in the room, and pooped all over our bed. Worse is that apparently this cat was sick with worms. My poor husband was covered in kitty diarrhea, blood and worms.
17. Okay, okay, we get it: women can smell bad. But as emorrow64 points out, men really shouldn't talk.
Goin down on a guy can be like being locked in the trunk of a car with old cheese. WASH YOUR BALLS! And it wouldn't hurt to trim a lil. The grossest sexual encounter I've had was a guy who sweat so profusely it was dripping on me, then he flipped his sweaty ass around into my face to attempt what I can only assume was a 69 position but was more like bein force fed a butt sandwich and I could see the sweat glistening on his ass/ball hair, that, and the cheez smell coming from his balls made my eyes water and I threw him off me and ran to the shower. 30 minutes of soap and hot water and I still didn't feel clean.
18. As rivalthecreator says, really, really, really nothing does top the Jolly Rancher story. I may never recover.
Nothing tops the Jolly Rancher story.
Steve and his girlfriend Samantha went off to college in August. She went to Florida State, he went to Penn. So, she decides to fly to PA to visit him. He was really happy to see her so he decided to give her some oral action.
He had done this numerous times before and he always enjoyed doing it...but for some reason, this time, she smelled really horrible, and she tasted even worse. He didn't want to offend her though because he hadn't seen her in months...so he put a Jolly Rancher in his mouth to cover it up, even though it didn't do much to help.
In the course of eating her out, he accidentally pushed the candy inside of her... and stuck a finger in to grab it out. He took it out, and put it back into his mouth and bit it. Only...it wasn't the Jolly Rancher.
It was a nodule of gonorrhea.
As in, the blister-like structure that gonorrhea makes filled with diseased pus was the size of a fucking Jolly Rancher and the poor guy BIT it. I guess it was really dark in the room. He freaked out and started vomiting all over the place when it exploded in his mouth...
He demanded to know what was going on, turns out she had cheated on him at a club like, the first week of college, and fucked some random guy and the stupid bitch had no clue what was wrong with her. She noticed a strange smell though.
So now, Steve is freaking out that he now has gonorrhea of the mouth and God knows what else.
But hey, there's totally a chance that story's not real. Redditor Schrockwell wrote, "I've heard this story before. I'm guessing it's urban legend." So who knows. Either way, I think it's the nastiest thing I've ever heard.
19. Criscoxl brought up the grossest thing that routinely happens because of sex: the miracle of childbirth.
So this one time I'm having sex with my girlfriend right, and it was all good and sexy so we finish up and everything seems cool.
Then about 9 months later a fucking little human being comes out of her pussy! I mean just like pops out and I saw that shit with my own eyes!
The little fucker is still living with us.