The conservative blog The Federalist recently published a mildly viral article entitled "12 Reasons Science Shows Conservative Women Have The Best Sex." The main source was a BuzzFeed survey in Europe showing that the further right along the spectrum men and women were, the more satisfied they were with their sex lives.http://giphy.com/gifs/applause-clapping-futurama-z1FzPhvrIZXTa
Author Joy Pullman took that finding and ran with it for The Federalist, speculating in her 12 arguments that conservatives have better sex because they're not "reaching for an erogenous zone and finding the wrong body part there," and because liberals are cursed with "men acting like women and women acting like men." She continued that arguing with this won't get you laid by anyone but a lesbian, and who wants that, anyway? (Lesbians, Joy. Lesbians want that.) The rest is the usual diatribe about liberals' pointless, empty lives; how the right "protects" women until they are "emotionally ready" (i.e. married), how f**king for reproduction just feels better and how getting consent is a pussy-dessicant.
But she didn't completely finish off the job. She was too busy dry-inserting her theories about unwed mothers to look at why liberal women can't screw to save their lives. So we're here to help, Joy: Here are 12 reasons liberal wymyn can't enjoy sex.
1. Too busy leaning in at work to lean over for men.http://giphy.com/gifs/politics-jon-stewart-sheryl-sandberg-irf1UUlhfjnhe
2. It's too hard to orgasm when they're preoccupied with the sociopolitical implications of each sexual position.
3. Having sex with their husbands in order to produce heirs isn't their only happiness in life.
4. Gay sex just doesn't count. Trib all you want, ladies, but we're not putting any lesborgasms on the scoreboard.http://giphy.com/gifs/vintage-wonder-woman-feminism-jcs06uzcpPN4c
5. In the time it took to verbally consent to have sex—BAM!—menopause.
6. That nagging feeling that America might slide backwards on women's rights if constant vigilance against the GOP and Religious Right isn't maintained is really making it hard to relax the butthole.
7. The fact that they've enjoyed validation and success outside of men's approval makes other pleasures less intense by comparison.
8. Chris Brown's "Fine China" came on the radio and now nobody's coming.http://giphy.com/gifs/shrug-shrugging-MvMGmujBL2CTm
9. They've exhausted their "bending over backwards" position explaining things to men.
10. They keep knocking over the collected works of Paulo Freire on the nightstand.
11. It's hard to orgasm under the male gaze.
12. It's just too sad now that their masturbation material is leaving the White House.http://giphy.com/gifs/obama-mic-drop-out-3o7qDSOvfaCO9b3MlO